


Deals Between Lions and Men

by crownedSerpent09



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatting & Messaging, Chinaline friendship, Chinguline friendship, Crack, Drama, EXO texts, Group chat, Humor, Multi, and zitao is the new foreign exchange student, everyone wants a piece of minseok, in which layhan are bffs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-02 13:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 32,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8669770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownedSerpent09/pseuds/crownedSerpent09
Summary: [9:32 a.m.]baekhyunee: I woke up to jongdae’s naked ass at my window, I want explain





	1. there's a new transfer student

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Edit] just a heads up!
> 
> there are three main types of chats in this fic. i havent really given them names but theyll be easy to figure out from the people in them.  
> ot12 gc (main): used to be the chinaline gc, now everybody's there. usually easily distinguishable bc ppl from different "groups" will interact there  
> private messages: between two members  
> chinguline gc: w/ baekhyun, jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo
> 
> idk if anyone has had difficulty distinguishing the chats but I try to make it p obvious from the first few messages. lmk if something is unclear!

[9:32 a.m.]

baekhyunee: I woke up to jongdae’s naked ass at my window, I want explain

yeol: ur room is on the 2nd floor, wat tf

jongdae: cherish it

baekhyunee: chnayeol u could have just typed wtf, wtf

Do Kyungsoo: shut the fuck up

yeol: Kyungso!!!

baekhyunee: kyunGsOoO

jongdae: idont know them

baekhyunee: why you gotta

baekhyunee: show ur asa

baekhyunee: ass

baekhyunee: to sum1 you don't know

baekhyunee: fuck im hungover

baekhyunee: and in pain

baekhyunee: chabyeol come upstairs and bring me food

yeol: wtf im in pain 2

yeol: u just woke me

_ Do Kyungsoo has left the chat. _

yeol: SOO

yeol: COME BACK

_ yeol added Do Kyungsoo. _

jongdae: there's no use trying ksoo 

jongdae: u kno pcys never going to let u leave this chat

Do Kyungsoo: …

baekhyunee: back to my question

baekhyunee: why tf where you naked and looking out my window smelling the fresh morning air or sum shit jondae

yeol: why were you up so early after partying until 4

yeol: thus waking us all up by inciting baekhyun’s msss

baekhyunee: duck you pcy

baekhyunee: fukc*

jongdae: what time did you wake up baekhyun

baekhyunee: liek 9:30

baekhyunee: aka way too early

jongdae: and what happens every morning outside ur window at 9:30 Baekhyun

baekhyunee: OH FUCK

baekhyunee: YOU ASSHOLE WHY DIDNT U WAKE ME

jongdae: i did

yeol: is this about

baekhyunee: YES

yeol: JONGDAE U CRETIN

jongdae: minseok hyung was wearing a tank

jongdae: probably the last one of the year too since the weathers turning cold

Do Kyungsoo: you know, if i screenshot all this and send it to minseok hyung,

Do Kyungsoo: as evidence of three idiots stalking him as he walks back from the gym

baekhyunee: ‘tis not stalking if he passes right under our noses

yeol: ducking jongdae

yeol: im the only 1 in this house that has yet 2 see post gym, sweaty minseok hyung

yeol: even kyungsoo has seen him

yeol: btw ksoo ;-)

baekhyunee: makes this AWESOEM three man frat into a slightly less awesome four man frat

Do Kyungsoo: no.

jongdae: do it to add one more person that has seen sweaty minseok hyung in this house

jongdae: depreciate chanyeol’s value even further

Do Kyungsoo: you forgot about the part where I hate all of you.

jongdae: ;-)

baekhyunee: ;-)

yeol: ;-)

_ Do Kyungsoo has left the chat. _

yeol: *crack fingers*

jongdae: and so the cycle continues

 

[2:45 p.m.]

xingxing: there's a new transfer student

xingxing: his name is zitao :)

Lu the Man: chinese?

xingxing: ye

Lu the Man: we taking him under our wing then

galaxy_fanfan: hey lu han I saw minseok at softie’s

Lu the Man: WTFFF

Lu the Man: was he with anyone?

galaxy_fanfan: he was with that freshman

galaxy_fanfan: seokyun? suhun? willis?

Lu the Man: oh

Lu the Man: it's only sehun

xingxing: doesn't sehun have sort of a hero worship for minseok doe?

Lu the Man: ya but he's a kid

galaxy_fanfan: he's taller than you

Lu the Man: eat a dick, yifan

xingxing: i think zitao knows him and jongin too

xingxing: he roomed with them for one night but he and sehun got in a fight over the hairdryer

xingxing: he's living with kyungsoo now ^-^

Lu the Man: see? This just goes to prove that sehun is 100% a child

Lu the Man: jongin too

Lu the Man: he came over once while we were doing the dance thing and I tried to make him lunch

Lu the Man: he told me to just put soy sauce in his rice and he would be happy

Lu the Man: a kid

Lu the Man: neither of them have a chance w/ minseok

galaxy_fanfan: neither do you

 

xingxing: yifan I think he's going to find you

xingxing: he just marched out of the library

galaxy_fanfan: lu han, you should devote more time to studying

galaxy_fanfan: not terrorizing your innocent, well-meaninged friends

galaxy_fanfan: lu han?

galaxy_fanfan: oh sHIT SOMEONES AT THE DOOR

galaxy_fanfan: YIXING

xingxing: sorry what was that time you left your dishes in the sink until it grew green mold and tried to pin it on me? :) :)

galaxy_fanfan: YXIFNGKNDHAKSHFJ

 

[8:15 a.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: hyung, do you have the registrar list?

minseok: dw, i have it

Kim Junmyeon: thank you hyung!!

Kim Junmyeon: after this orientation, would you like to go out to eat?

minseok: like I tell you at the beginning of every semester junmyeon, I don't see you like that

Kim Junmyeon: that's okay hyung! I'll ask again next semester!

minseok: please don't

 

[10:02 a.m.]

yeol: fuck ufkc fukc do u see what i see

baekhyunee: fuck me up

jongdae: WHAT! Im stuck sitting w choir peple inform me of these events

Do Kyungsoo: minseok hyung is wearing gray trousers, chanbaek are drooling all over the floor.

jongdae: waht the hell

jongdae: why did i get lu han hyung’s roommate as my student leader instead minseok hyung

baekhyunee: the one that almost hooked up with you freshman yr before he found out you were a freshman?

yeol: he was such an asshole omg. you were like, 1 yr younger

jongdae: ur right.

jongdae: but fuck you, beakhyun, for bringing it up

baekhyunee: you aint the one that got a view of minsoek hyung’s ass doe

Do Kyungsoo: shut the fuck up, please.

Do Kyungsoo: i don’t need my phone going off every 2 seconds in the assembly hall

yeol: omg

yeol: he said please

baekhyunee: KYUNGSOO AH

Do Kyungsoo: oh fuck

baekhyunee: I DARESAY YOUR GETTING FOND OF US, KYUNGSOO

jongdae: you’re*

baekhyunee: fuck off, cameltoe

 

[10:56 a.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: hello?

Lu the Man: for the last time, yifan, stop adding your one night stands to this groupchat

galaxy_fanfan: i don’t know who this is tho?

Kungfu panda tao: hi?

Lu the Man: hi

Lu the Man: greetings

Lu the Man: hello earthling(s)

Kungfu panda tao: yixing ge added me to this chat?

Lu the Man: yixing

Lu the Man: we dont know a yixing

Kungfu panda tao: oh then my bad

Kungfu panda tao: sorry

_ Kungfu panda tao has left the chat. _

Lu the Man: whoops

Lu the Man: that wasn’t meant to happen

 

[11:07 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: so u going to add him back or nah?

Lu the Man: nah


	2. pandas are majestic creatures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [9:45 a.m.]  
> jongdae: LOLOLOL  
> jongdae: I GOT HIS NUMBER

[8:34 p.m.]

_Kim Kai added Kungfu panda tao._

yehet: who?

Kungfu panda tao: who tf are you

yehet: I asked first

Kim Kai: its zitao

Kim Kai: and that's sehun

Kungfu panda tao: Im not sehun

yehet: ofc your not, im sehun

Kim Kai: ure both idiots

yehet: I hate u

Kungfu panda tao: me or jongin?

yehet: \\_(ツ)_/

Kungfu panda tao: oh yeah I just saw this one guy get stalked across like three blocks

Kungfu panda tao: is this a korean thing

Kim Kai: what did he look like?

Kungfu panda tao: he was kinda short

Kungfu panda tao: I couldn't rly see from afar but he was pretty cute

Kungfu panda tao: cheeks

Kim Kai: that's minseok hyung

yehet: who was stalking him? im surprised he did whip them into the hospital

Kungfu panda tao: this group of three guys

Kungfu panda tao: the short dark one seemed like he didn't want to be there

yehet: say no more

Kim Kai: Kyungsoo hyung :) :)

Kim Kai: the other two were probably chanbaek

Kungfu panda tao: what's a chainbaek?

Kim Kai: park Chantelle and byun baekhyun

Kim Kai: chanyeol* but lol Chantelle

Kungfu panda tao: why does this minseok hyung let them stalk him tho?

yehet: they're lowkey friends lol

yehet: minseok hyung pretends they're an annoyance which they are but he's soft for them anyway

yehet: like he is for me :)

yehet: but more for me, as is natural

Kim Kai: *gags*

Kungfu panda tao: stfu omg

 

[12:25 a.m.]

_xingxing added Kungfu panda tao._

xingxing: sorry bout that, I was asleep

Kungfu panda tao: thanks ge, but for 12 hours?

Lu the Man: thirteen*

Kungfu panda tao: wait

Kungfu panda tao: i feel like ive seen your screen name somewhere

galaxy_fanfan: should I tell him?

Kungfu panda tao: tell me what?

Lu the Man: nothing important

Lu the Man: welcom zitao

Lu the Man: yixing has told us a lot about you

xingxing: that ones ^ lu han and galaxy fanfan is fanfan ge :)

galaxy_fanfan: my names yifan

Lu the Man: ok fanfan ;)

galaxy_fanfan: u wanna go xiao lu?

Lu the Man: bitch I'll beat ur ass in .5 seconds like I did yesterday

xingxing: how are you finding this university so far zitao?

Kungfu panda tao: to be honest?

Kungfu panda tao: batshit crazy

Kungfu panda tao: first I meet oh sehun

Kungfu panda tao: then I see this guy who's ok w/ being stalked by only a certain group of people

Kungfu panda tao: and now I find out that I've been doing friendships wrong apparently

Kungfu panda tao: like

Kungfu panda tao: yixing ge told me that lu han and yifan are rly good friends but they fight on a normal basis like its normal

Kungfu panda tao: which makes me question if sehun was trying to make friends with me?

xingxing: oh young taozi

xingxing: i hope u’ll figure it out

Kungfu panda tao: is this an existential crisis?

xingxing: :(

xingxing: we’re here for you

galaxy_fanfan: wow

Lu the Man: that was an entire drama w/ exposition climax and resolution

xingxing: hey

xingxing: zitao’s going through some hardships rn

Lu the Man: some people have war in their countries

galaxy_fanfan: let's help zitao solve some of his issues then

_galaxy_fanfan added yehet._

_xingxing added Kim Kai._

Kim Kai: hi?

Lu the Man: sehun are you secretly in love with

Lu the Man: wait what's ur family name?

Kungfu panda tao: Huang

Lu the Man: are you secretly in love with huang zitao

yehet: did you bribe me to secretly take pics of minseok hyung TA-ing because you think he's hot when he has authority?

Kungfu panda tao: r u srs

galaxy_fanfan: OMG

galaxy_fanfan: I would die laughing but this doesn't surprise me

xingxing: lu are you okay ure strangely quiet

xingxing: lu han

 

[1:03 a.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: hey yixing can I ask you something?

Kim Junmyeon: what do you do when you're roommate wakes you up at 1 in the morning muttering about murdering the entire freshmen class?

 

[6:58 a.m.]

baekhyunee: kim jongdae

baekhyunee: report to baekhyun’s room on the 2nd floor please

baekhyunee: seriously where are you

jongdae: I went out

baekhyunee: so early

jongdae: gym tho

jongdae: why are you up early?

baekhyunee: never slept. LoL tournament

jongdae: [thumbs up]

 

[9:45 a.m.]

jongdae: LOLOLOL

jongdae: I GOT HIS NUMBER

baekhyunee: ?

Do Kyungsoo: minseok hyung’s #?

jongdae: [grinning face x4]

yeol: why are you such a dick

jongdae: he came up to me first lolllll

jongdae: he was like “hey, u work at hj with me right”

jongdae: and i was like “yeah I just help out mr jeon around the office sometimes”

baekhyunee: omg stop this I can't listen to any more

jongdae: u want me to tell u everything during lunch later

baekhyunee: YES

yeol: dont u dad skip details

yeol: dare***

jongdae: let's meet at Kyungsoo’s restaurant

Do Kyungsoo: no

baekhyunee: you luv us tho soo

yeol: we’re coming

 

[4:54 p.m.]

Lu the Man: :((

 

[7:36 p.m.]

Lu the Man: WOW I love your support

Lu the Man: who needs bros like these when all they do is ignore you

galaxy_fanfan: yixing’s never on here

galaxy_fanfan: im ignoring you

xingxing: sorry lu ge, i was helping baekhyun organize their back to school party

xingxing: what's wrong?

Lu the Man: minseok refused to try out for the soccer team 

Lu the Man: but idc anymore

galaxy_fanfan: are we going to the zeta epsilon delta party

Lu the Man: does anyone actually call it that

galaxy_fanfan: minseok's going to be there

Lu the Man: hwo do you know?

galaxy_fanfan: he actually talks to me

Kungfu panda tao: who is this minseok

yehet: dw you uneducated zoo animal, you will see tonight

Kungfu panda tao: excuse you PANDAS ARE MAJESTIC CREATURES

Lu the Man: fuck i forgot they were here

Kim Kai: sehun is baffled that anyone could not have him as the center of their universe

Kim Kai: he hasn’t closed his jaw in 30 seconds

Lu the Man: yehet


	3. jongin is an enabler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [3:17 a.m.]  
> Lu the Man: fuck fuck fuck fuc  
> Lu the Man: he's dIRTY DANCING WHAT THE FUCK

[3:17 a.m.]

Lu the Man: fuck fuck fuck fuc

Lu the Man: he's dIRTY DANCING WHAT THE FUCK

Lu the Man: kim jongin thank you god for keeping this away from me for so many years

Lu the Man: i need another drink

Lu the Man: who took all the tequila

 

[3:47 a.m.]

_ galaxy_fanfan sent a picture. _

galaxy_fanfan: nice santa plushies, lu han

 

[8:20 a.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: power is being fully awake and rejuvenated while watching all the half dead partiers crawl back to their dorms as you jog

yehet: you disgust me

Kim Kai: you two are so cute

yehet: can u not

Kim Kai: you really don't remember?

yehet: what

Kungfu panda tao: …

Kim Kai: [grinning face]

 

[11:09 a.m.]

baekhyunee: im going to marry someone who works at mcdonalds

baekhyunee: wait

baekhyunee: that sounded better before I said it

baekhyunee: I want unlimited mcdonalds for life

yeol: same

yeol: this is actually the best thing in the world?

yeol: why search for gold when the only gold u need is the gold m

Do Kyungsoo: im judging you

baekhyunee: we don't need you kyungsoo

baekhyunee: im going to marry chanyeol

yeol: r u srs?

baekhyunee: buy me mcdonalds for the rest of my life and I'm yours

yeol: let's do it

jongdae: gross

yeol: haters gonna hate

Do Kyungsoo: [annoyed face]

 

[12:49 p.m.]

Lu the Man: why were you in my room

galaxy_fanfan: I hooked up w/ your roommate

Lu the Man: what the fUCK

galaxy_fanfan: it's not the first time…

Lu the Man: wth you know I don't like him

galaxy_fanfan: I dont either

yehet: then???

galaxy_fanfan: thx for not coming in tho lu man

galaxy_fanfan: where are you anyway

Lu the Man: i crashed at yours and yixing’s, where else

galaxy_fanfan: oh yeah, I forgot there's no way u can get dick

xingxing: how do you know he didn't? ^-^

yehet: OH SHIT

galaxy_fanfan: wait what

yehet: JONGIN WHERE ARE YOU

yehet: COME SEE THIS

xingxing: [smiling face x2]

Lu the Man: twice

Lu the Man: once on ur bed :)

galaxy_fanfan: YOU MOTHERUFKCS I WIL KILL U

Kungfu panda tao: holy shut

Lu the Man: oh yeah zitao you and sehun fucked

Kungfu panda tao: WHAT

Kungfu panda tao: your lying

Kungfu panda tao: ge

Kungfu panda tao: dont fuck w me please

yehet: like hell we did

xingxing: jongin was filming

 

[2:21 p.m.]

_ Kim Kai sent a video. _

Kungfu panda tao: nooooooooo

Kungfu panda tao: [grimacing face x10]

Kungfu panda tao: it doesn't show that we fucked tho :/

Lu the Man: no yeah we were joking about that

Lu the Man: also I didn't fuck yixing last night

galaxy_fanfan: you motherfuckers

yehet: congrats tao

yehet: you are among the few lucky ones that hav the chance to touch me lisp with ur unworthy ones

yehet: lips****** fuck

Lu the Man: did sehun just expose himself

yehet: DONT SAY ANYTHING LU HAN HYUNG ISTG

Lu the Man: ofc honey

Lu the Man: I won't embarrass you in front of your crush ;-)

yehet: delete urself 

Kim Kai: [crying laughing face x3]

 

[6:50 a.m.]

jongdae: hello children have you recovered from your weekend yet

baekhyunee: shut up jongdae

baekhyunee: we get it, you go to the gym, ur healthy, u suck dicks in public restrooms

yeol: I was just sent the 300000 won a dealer left me in his will

yeol: he's not dead

yeol: nor is he my dealer

baekhyunee: why doesn't anyone send me free money :((

baekhyunee: im cute and I can fit five sausages in my mouth at once

jongdae: I guess it takes one cocksucker to know another [peace sign]

baekhyunee: CHICKEN SAUSAGES

baekhyunee: u whore

yeol: im gonna by a gallon hat

 

[1:45 p.m.]

Lu the Man: yixing, I luv u

Lu the Man: uve always been there for me, forcing me out of bed in the morning/noon to go to class when I don't want to

xingxing: I only did it this morning tho?

Lu the Man: ur the best friend a man can ask for

xingxing: what is this about ://

Lu the Man: minseok asked me to be his partner for the civics project

Lu the Man: minseok asked ME

Lu the Man: TO BE HIS PARTNER

galaxy_fanfan: ok we get it omg

Kim Kai: lu han hyung are you still alive?

Kim Kai: breathing okay?

xingxing: I'll be over in five

 

[1:59 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: ur friends a dick

galaxy_fanfan: lol yeah lu han’s like that

Kim Junmyeon: not lu han the other one

Kim Junmyeon: even though lu hans :/

galaxy_fanfan: yixing? are you sure?

Kim Junmyeon: he kicked me out of my own room yelling about pulmonary related emergencies

galaxy_fanfan: LOL

galaxy_fanfan: he's only like that bc lu hans going through sumthing rn

galaxy_fanfan: yixing is normally a sweetheart :)

Kim Junmyeon: is he

Kim Junmyeon: interesting

 

[2:16 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: hey I know we haven't talked in a while but can I ask for your advice on something?

jongdae: ?? who dis 

Kim Junmyeon: oh my god it says my name right there at the top of the chat

jongdae: :))

Kim Junmyeon: are you really still salty about that one time?

jongdae: no im young and can't figure out my feelings remember

Kim Junmyeon: jongdae

jongdae: [check] Seen 2:24 PM

 

[8:19 p.m.]

minseok: hey, how is the piece for publications coming along for you jongin?

Kim Kai: it's not what I'm used to, but I'm working through it fine! thanks for asking, hyung

minseok: np I should thank you for helping out with that piece

minseok: I felt really bad for ducking out on that project but luckily I have you to save me!!!

Kim Kai: any time, minseok hyung

minseok: have you had dinner yet?

minseok: we can go to that pasta place down the street, my treat

Kim Kai: yes!

 

[8:46 p.m.]

_ Kim Kai sent a picture. _

Kim Kai: he's even prettier up close [heart eyes x2]

Kim Kai: wait

Kim Kai: that was meant for Kyungsoo hyung

Kim Kai: shit

Luhannie: KIM JONGIN

yehet: do you want to die


	4. sehun is a baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [5:46 p.m.]  
> xingxing: have I ever mentioned how weird it is for me when you sext your hookups while I'm in the room

[5:32 p.m.]

baekhyunee: im trying out for the football team

jongdae: are you stupid

yeol: u cant even bench 10 pounds

baekhyunee: um, fuck u guys

baekhyunee: also I don't need to bench shit for football park chantelle, u don't play football with ur hands

jongdae: u still cant kick a ball more than 10 feet tho

baekhyunee: i can kick YOUR bals

jongdae: [annoyed face x2]

baekhyunee: im gonna train

yeol: u have like

yeol: 3 days

baekhyunee: im a genius tho

jongdae: when did u get so funny baekhyun?

baekhyunee: you'll see

baekhyunee: u can kiss my ass, jongdae, when I get on the team

yeol: gl

baekhyunee: THANK YOU, channie 

baekhyunee: this is why im marrying you

yeol: u’ll need it

baekhyunee: [angry face x5]

jongdae: [crying laughing face x7]

 

[5:44 p.m.]

baekhyunee: LU HAN HYUNG

baekhyunee: ESTEEMED CAPTAIN

baekhyunee: KING OF FOOTBALL

Luhannie: wdy want

baekhyunee: take me

Luhannie: um no wtf

baekhyunee: not like that

baekhyunee: as ur student

Luhannie: ??

baekhyunee: I want to make the football team

Luhannie: is this…is this a joke?

baekhyunee: im deadly serious

baekhyunee: look at my face

_ baekhyunee sent a picture. _

Luhannie: okay….?

Luhannie: I believe u, I guess

Luhannie: but I can't

baekhyunee: :( :( :( :( :(

Luhannie: im too busy, sorry

Luhannie: there are important developments going on in my love life

baekhyunee: fine

 

[6:16 p.m.]

baekhyunee: JONGIN AH

baekhyunee: DONT IGNORE ME

baekhyunee: JONGIN

baekhyunee: JONIHN

baekhyunee: KIM JONGIN

baekhyunee: KIM KAI

baekhyunee: JONG

baekhyunee: IN

baekhyunee: NIE

 

[8:08 p.m.]

yehet: >:(

minseok: hi

minseok: what's up sehunnie 

yehet: i thought you liked me

minseok: I do?

yehet: then why have you never taken me out to dinner but you took jongin?

minseok: oh i was just thanking him for helping me out with pubs 

minseok: it doesn't mean I prefer jongin over you, sehun

yehet: but why haven't you asked me to hang out yet?

minseok: I didn't think you'd want to hang out with your math tutor

yehet: but ure my hyung 

minseok: aw sehunnie 

minseok: I'll keep that in mind [smiley face]

yehet: I demand recompensation

minseok: yeah I'll treat you to dinner if you want

yehet: good bc there's this chicken place I want to go to

minseok: now?

yehet: yeah come on hyung

yehet: I'll meet u in teh commons in 10

minseok: is this why you didn't talk to me about this until dinner time?

yehet: >:)

minseok: brat

minseok: I'll see you in ten <3

 

[8:20 p.m.]

_ yehet sent a picture. _

yehet: yehet

Luhannie: WHAT RHE FUCK

Luhannie: why is everyone moving on my man before me

yehet: bc the window was closing and one has to act fast

Luhannie: sehun u little shit

yehet: sux 2 suck

 

[9:39 p.m.]

Kim Kai: sorry hyung I was watching a movie

baekhyunee: >:((

Kim Kai: what did you need?

baekhyunee: train me for football tryouts

Kim Kai: ummmmm

baekhyunee: OLEASE KIM JONGIN UR MY ONLY HOPE

Kim Kai: but I'm not a football player?

baekhyunee: dont think I don't kno abt your history

baekhyunee: you were voted mvp on uour junior high football team

Kim Kai: it was a phys ed class

Kim Kai: and I was only voted mvp becuz the class was coed and the girls found me attractive

baekhyunee: u still watch football though, don't think I don't see ur watch history on kyungsoo’s tv

baekhyunee: that's good enough for me

Kim Kai: ...I guess I can

Kim Kai: but don't we have like three days until tryouts

baekhyunee: THANK YIU THANK YOU TAHNK YOU

baekhyunee: we start tomorrow

Kim Kai: [thumbs up]

 

[3:11 p.m.]

Luhannie: praise lord it's actually happening

galaxy_fanfan: what

Luhannie: we’re working on the project at minseok’s house

Luhannie: since he doesn't live with any kim Junmyeons

galaxy_fanfan: living w/ kim junmyeon isn't that bad

Luhannie: shut up, i don't even want to explore the idea of the story behind that statement right now

Luhannie: the point is I will be going to kim minseok’s house

Luhannie: my feet will touch kim minseok’s floor

Luhannie: my butt will touch kim minseok’s chair

Luhannie: I will have discussions with kim minseok in kim minseok’s space

Kungfu panda tao: shut up omg stop blowing up my phone

yehet: LOL

yehet: first time I actually agree w panda kid

Luhannie: fuck he's coming what do I do

galaxy_fanfan: propose

xingxing: shh don't get that idea in his head he might actually do it

yehet: that or suck his dick

yehet: right there in public

Kungfu panda tao: you're disgusting

yehet: don't act like you wouldn't consider it

Kungfu panda tao: does no one understand that I'm new? I don't know him

Luhannie: good

Luhannie: stay away

_ yehet sent a picture. _

_ yehet sent a picture. _

_ yehet sent a picture. _

_ yehet sent a picture. _

galaxy_fanfan: are those lu han’s ta pics?

_ yehet sent a picture. _

xingxing: minseok hyung looks really good in those glasses! ^-^

Kim Kai: askfjdkdj

Kungfu panda tao: ….

yehet: [smirking face]

Kungfu panda tao: ya okay i would consider it

galaxy_fanfan: hahaha

Kungfu panda tao: THAT LAST PICTURE OF HIM BENDING DOWN THO

yehet: no one rat me out ok I swear I will cut your balls off

galaxy_fanfan: [thumbs up]

Kim Kai: you should see him at hj architectures

Kim Kai: jongdae hyung was showing me pics the other day

xingxing: !!!

Kungfu panda tao: share!!!!

Kim Kai: he won't send them

yehet: how is lu han hyung doing

yehet: he's been silent for a while

xingxing: they're probably busy working on their project already 

Kim Kai: do you ever just think

Kim Kai: maybe we're kinda creepy?

galaxy_fanfan: yeah

yehet: and?

xingxing: minseok knows us

Kim Kai: tru

yehet: well, except for tao

yehet: zitao’s the only creepy one

Kungfu panda tao: hey you instigated this!!!

yehet: \\_(ツ)_/

Kungfu panda tao: make that face anymore and it'll be stuck like that

yehet: it's still better than ur ugly mug

xingxing: get married

galaxy_fanfan: HAHAHAAH

 

[3:31 p.m.]

Luhannie: he was impressed w/ my motorcycle brb gonna die

Luhannie: or puke

Luhannie: whichever comes first

 

[5:45 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: why did you send me a picture of your dick

galaxy_fanfan: are we not in that kind of relationship

Kim Junmyeon: i mean

Kim Junmyeon: yes but im at a student council meeting

Kim Junmyeon: chill out until after 7

_ galaxy_fanfan sent a picture. _

galaxy_fanfan: this'll be hard for u when u get here

Kim Junmyeon: fuck

 

[5:46 p.m.]

xingxing: have I ever mentioned how weird it is for me when you sext your hookups while I'm in the room

Kungfu panda tao: in case anyone wondered

Kungfu panda tao: im judging

galaxy_fanfan: no one did

galaxy_fanfan: and why not talk to me instead of sending this in the group chat

xingxing: I don't want to look at you right now

galaxy_fanfan: holy shit

galaxy_fanfan: your so cute when you're blushing

yehet: can you be a casanova somewhere else, some of us need our sleep

Kungfu panda tao: its five in the afternoon

yehet: im a baby

Kungfu panda tao: did he legit just say that

Kungfu panda tao: hello?

Kungfu panda tao: im so alone :(

yehet: you have me

Kungfu panda tao: that's worse

Kim Kai: just fuck already


	5. chanyeol starts a band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [4:20 p.m.]  
> Do Kyungsoo: jongin, I need your help.  
> Kim Kai: yeah, what's up?!  
> Do Kyungsoo: Im in the grocery store parking lot  
> Do Kyungsoo: this bitch was trying to get me to move so she can finish parking, in the middle of TWO PARKING SPOTS  
> Do Kyungsoo: so I, uh, ran her over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *in Chinese

[4:05 a.m.]

yeol: so u guys rmbr how I used to be in a band rite

baekhyunee: the band that u got kicked out of?

yeol: i didnt get kicked out, the members just left

baekhyunee: yeah...all at once to form another band, without you

yeol: details no 1 needs

yeol: i want to re-form my band

yeol: yixing hyung can play guitar and jongdae can sing

baekhyunee: hey why didnt you ask me to sing

yeol: jongdae’s voice fits the rock sound more

yeol: but u can play the keyboard, baekhyunnie 

baekhyunee: who tf wants to be a keyboardist in a band

yeol: so thats a no?

baekhyunee: who said no we’re forming a band!!!!

yeol: yayy!!

 

[7:41 a.m.]

jongdae: minseok hyung said he would go to our first show

jongdae: whenever we have it

baekhyunee: !!!

yeol: holla

jongdae: no dont say that that's not cool

yeol: i cant beleive sum1 died and made kim jongdae the cool police

jongdae: im not the cool police

jongdae: only the cool expert [sunglasses face]

baekhyunee: brb throwing up

yeol: stop him

 

[9:47 a.m.]

_ xingxing added yeol. _

_ xingxing added baekhyunee. _

_ xingxing added jongdae. _

yehet: what is this

xingxing: we’re forming a band!! ^-^

baekhyunee: yah! kid respect ur elders

yehet: isn't baekhyun hyung like thirteen at most

jongdae: yet u still call him hyung

yeol: makes u 12

jongdae: [tea x3]

galaxy_fanfan: so we're bringing just anyone into this chat now?

_ galaxy_fanfan added Kim Junmyeon. _

_ galaxy_fanfan added minseok. _

_ galaxy_fanfan added Do Kyungsoo. _

Luhannie: yah yifan what are you doing

Kim Junmyeon: ??

minseok: ???

Kungfu panda tao: omg is this minseok hyung?

xingxing: yup [smiley face]

Kungfu panda tao: hi minseok hyung!!

Luhannie:  _ piss off green face _ *

minseok: hi

minseok: who is  _ green face _ * and why are you telling them to piss off luhannie?

Kungfu panda tao: minseok hyung can read Chinese?

minseok: i studied it for two years

galaxy_fanfan: omg

galaxy_fanfan: omg that's why he changed his screen name

galaxy_fanfan: it's bc ‘luhannie’ is what minseok calls him. that's so cute

Luhannie: wu yifan

galaxy_fanfan: yes dear?<3

galaxy_fanfan: watchu gonna do?

Luhannie: say what you want now

Luhannie: but remember that I know where you live

xingxing: I think I just heard a scream coming from yifan’s room

Kim Junmyeon: hello jongdae

jongdae: no

Kim Junmyeon: oh come on

Kim Junmyeon: if you would just talk to me, we can put this behind us

jongdae: piss off

Kim Junmyeon: jongdae, be reasonable

jongdae: dont patronize me

baekhyunee: piss off junmyeon, he doesn't want to talk to you right now

yeol: and ur bringing it up in a group chat is kind of shitty, just saying

Kim Junmyeon: he won't answer when I try to talk to him in private

baekhyunee: then that's a sign that you should stop trying

Kim Junmyeon: u going to say anything in my defense?

Kim Junmyeon: wu yifan?

galaxy_fanfan: what

Kim Junmyeon: unbelievable

Kim Junmyeon: I suggest yixing might be rude when he kicks me out of my own room and ur going “no he's not like that!!” in .2 seconds

galaxy_fanfan: wtf i thought we weren't like that?

Kim Junmyeon: you invited me into your friend group chat

galaxy_fanfan: half of the people here aren't even my friends!

yeol: ouch

baekhyunee: hurts, yifan hyung

Luhannie: im okay with that

galaxy_fanfan: dont deny our love, luhannie<3

Kim Junmyeon: and you're always doing that!

galaxy_fanfan: what?!!

Kim Junmyeon: throwing how popular you are with other people in my face!!

galaxy_fanfan: ?? Dont act like ur not a hoe too junmyeon 

galaxy_fanfan: you try to get into minseok’s pants like, weekly

Luhannie: what.

minseok: oh my god just shut the fuck up.

minseok: you're both hoes that happen to be fucking each other, get over it.

minseok: and junmyeon if you ask me out again I will cut off your dick and pin it to your headboard

Kungfu panda tao: [shocked face]

Do Kyungsoo: [clapping x6]

yehet: :0

yehet: I told u zitao

yehet: hospitalization is real

Do Kyungsoo: minseok hyung can take care of himself

Kim Junmyeon: I guess

galaxy_fanfan: yeah?

Kim Junmyeon: I guess I overreacted

galaxy_fanfan: and i guess I should talk to you abt our relationship instead of just assuming

Kim Kai: now kiss!

Kim Junmyeon: no

galaxy_fanfan: were not like that

yeol: jesus that was a lot of drama

yeol: back 2 our band!

baekhyunee: we need a name first

yeol: any ideas??

yeol: yixing hyung?

xingxing: I'll be fine with whatever you guys come up with

baekhyunee: wait I think I have a concept

_ baekhyunee sent a picture. _

yeol: yo

xingxing: yo

jongdae: surprisingly, it works

baekhyunee: no objections?

yeol: let's do this

 

[10:43 a.m.]

baekhyunee: hey, are you okay?

jongdae: im fine

baekhyunee: he wasn't just a hookup, was he?

jongdae: no

jongdae: but it's okay

jongdae: im over him now

jongdae: mostly

baekhyunee: jongdae yah

baekhyunee: don't hesitate if there's ever something you want to tell us ok

baekhyunee: I know we make fun of each other a lot

baekhyunee: but I promised ur mother id take care of you

baekhyunee: and I know I don't always act like a good hyung

baekhyunee: but I am older than both you and chanyeol

baekhyunee: and Kyungsoo

baekhyunee: if you need me, I'll be here

jongdae: hyung.

jongdae: thank you

baekhyunee: <3 <3 <3

baekhyunee: also if you need us to tp kim junmyeon’s house we can arrange that, student council vice president or not

jongdae: you had to ruin it [laughing crying face]

 

[4:20 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: jongin, I need your help.

Kim Kai: yeah, what's up?!

Do Kyungsoo: Im in the grocery store parking lot

Do Kyungsoo: this bitch was trying to get me to move so she can finish parking, in the middle of TWO PARKING SPOTS

Do Kyungsoo: so I, uh, ran her over.

Kim Kai: OMG!

Kim Kai: with your car?

Do Kyungsoo: no, with my shopping cart

Do Kyungsoo: I scratched her car and I need you to come and convince her not to press charges

Kim Kai: okay, but how?

Do Kyungsoo: the power of dance

Kim Kai: …

Kim Kai: uhhhh

Do Kyungsoo: just trust me, jongin

Kim Kai: okay?

Do Kyungsoo: come quickly

 

[6:12 p.m]

Kim Kai: holy shit I can't believe that actually worked

Do Kyungsoo: what I did I tell you

Do Kyungsoo: I never doubt the power of dance, jongin.


	6. junmyeon is a concubine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [8:15 p.m.]  
> minseok: so like  
> minseok: what would you do if  
> minseok: say a mutual friend of ours suddenly seems cuter and cuter

[12:44 p.m.]

baekhyunee: HAHAHAHAHA

yeol: ?

baekhyunee: GUESS WHO MADE THE FOOTBALL TEAM

jongdae: no way

baekhyunee: JONGDAE HOW MY ASS TASTE

jongdae: nooooo wayyyy

Luhannie: I can confirm

Luhannie: he even made starter

yeol: yoooo

xingxing: congrats baekhyun!! ^-^

galaxy_fanfan: I thought baekhyun was about as athletic as I am?

Luhannie: im very confused about it too

baekhyunee: ID LIKE TO THANK NOT ONLY JESUS,

baekhyunee: BUT ALSO KIM JONGIN, FOOTBALL GOD

Do Kyungsoo: jongin doesn't play football

Kim Kai: I trained him based on football fan and fifa experience lol

baekhyunee: WHEN I THOUGHT ALL HOPE WAS LOST

baekhyunee: KIM JONGIN REACHED DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS AND SAID

baekhyunee: “BAKEHYUN, U WERE MEANT TO B A FOOTBALL STAR”

minseok: you could have asked me? lmao

baekhyunee: would you have agreed hyung

baekhyunee: honestly

minseok: tru

Luhannie: something is very wrong w/ the world

Luhannie: when byun baekhyun makes the football team and kim minseok still isn't

baekhyunee: y'all can suck my soon to be grass stained ass

jongdae: @ god wyd 

 

[8:15 p.m.]

minseok: so like

minseok: what would you do if

minseok: say a mutual friend of ours suddenly seems cuter and cuter

galaxy_fanfan: am I dreaming

galaxy_fanfan: are you actually interested in someone?

minseok: nvm forget everything I said

galaxy_fanfan: MINSEOK AHHH

galaxy_fanfan: I accept ur love

galaxy_fanfan: let's get married

minseok: no omg

galaxy_fanfan: lu han’s going to be so pissed off hahahaha

minseok: ...he will?

minseok: are you two

galaxy_fanfan: nah man

galaxy_fanfan: ;) ;) so it's lu han ;) ;) ;)

minseok: no

galaxy_fanfan: OH MAN

galaxy_fanfan: holy shit

galaxy_fanfan: minseok

galaxy_fanfan: minseok

galaxy_fanfan: don't ignore me now omg

 

[8:27 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: if i showed you somethingn on the condition that you couldnt tell lu han, would u agree?

xingxing: ...depends what it is

galaxy_fanfan: dw, its for his own good

galaxy_fanfan: and by his own good, i mean our amusement

xingxing: okay…

_ galaxy_fanfan sent a picture. _

xingxing: :0

xingxing: minseok could be talking about somebody else?

galaxy_fanfan: either, itll be interestign to witness

 

[9:56 a.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: so the guy i slept with last night has like

Kungfu panda tao: 20 pink rilakkuma dolls in his closet

Kungfu panda tao: these are my drunk decisions guys

Luhannie: what were you doing looking through his closet?

Kungfu panda tao: i was looking for the bathroom

Kungfu panda tao: he has nice soap

Kungfu panda tao: smells like vanilla and peaches

Kungfu panda tao: and mermaid soap dishes

yehet: ...i have mermaid soap dishes

yehet: and peach and vanilla soap

Kungfu panda tao: don’t even try to fuck w/ me rn hes sleeping in just the other room

Kungfu panda tao: oh

Kim Kai: :oooooo

jongdae: holy fucking shit

galaxy_fanfan: IT FINALLY HAPPENED

yeol: is no 1 going to call out the 20 rilakkuma dolls in the closet?

baekhyunee: like u can talk, u have 30

Kim Kai: im going to check if theyre okay

Kim Kai: theyre not

Kim Kai: i can hear screaming from down the hall

Do Kyungsoo: pls return my roommate before sehun permanently damages him.

Luhannie: no fucking way

minseok: my son just grew up :’)

Luhannie: your SON?

minseok: sehunnie is no longer a child

xingxing: they grow up so fast

minseok: *sighs*

xingxing: *sighs*

Luhannie: what is this~

jongdae: lmao lu han hyung trying to b cute ^

Luhannie: lets see how cute I am when I kick ur ass

Kim Junmyeon: you guys are a Mess

baekhyunee: kiss my ass :) :)

Kim Junmyeon: rude

 

[11:41 a.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: so what happened?

baekhyunee: lol kungsoo pretends not to care but he’s a hoe for drama 2 [inquisitive face]

jongdae: did u just call him kungsoo

yeol: kungfu panda tao + kyungsoo’s ship name

Do Kyungsoo: no

jongdae: oh yeah, who is this kungfu panda tao?

Kungfu panda tao: hi im zitao im the new kid

Kim Kai: thats not zitao lmao that was me

Kim Kai: [grinning face x5]

baekhyunee: wow...has anyone ever told you how unfunny you are

Do Kyungsoo: baekhyun.

baekhyunee: what

baekhyunee: [grinning face x3]

Do Kyungsoo: shut the hell up

Luhannie: so what did happen?

Kim Kai: i locked them in the dorm room while they were still screaming at each other

Kim Kai: it got rly quiet

Kim Kai: i think they’re having hate sex

Kim Kai: did you guys know zitao was looking for sugar daddies on tinder

Luhannie: wth

xingxing: this kid...aish

Do Kyungsoo: we will have to talk

galaxy_fanfan: he has sehun now

minseok: will it last tho

jongdae: daammmnn

Luhannie: for the record are you doubting zitao or sehun?

minseok: I’m not saying anything where they can see

Luhannie: msg me omg

galaxy_fanfan: desperate much?

Luhannie: go sext your 10698 concubines

galaxy_fanfan: only emperors have concubines so thanks for the compliment, lu han

Kim Junmyeon: excuse me

Luhannie: u heard what I said

jongdae: oh shit

yeol: *grabs popcorn*

baekhyunee: I LIVE for lu han hyung/junmyeon drama

Kim Junmyeon: have fun taking a shit with no toilet paper :) :)

galaxy_fanfan: [clapping x3]

 

[4:51 p.m.]

baekhyunee: i hate classes

jongdae: all u did was put gum under the table and sleep

baekhyunee: that’s besides the point. anyone wanna get a drink?

Kungfu panda tao: im down

yehet: let’s go to the bar with the green lamp shades

jongdae: oh yeah I love that place

minseok: i love alcohol

Luhannie: lets go

Kim Junmyeon: you wanna ride with me?

galaxy_fanfan: isnt it only a 20 min walk from ur dorm?

Luhannie: yeah but its cold

xingxing: can we carpool?

galaxy_fanfan: then i’m riding too its like 20 degrees outside

Kim Junmyeon: cool who else am i taking

Luhannie: minseok

minseok: I can walk

Luhannie: yeah but we’re not that far from your house, and it’s way too cold out there

minseok: lu han I live like 15 minutes from your dorm, it only takes me that long to walk to the bar

Kim Junmyeon: i can drive you, dw hyung

Kim Kai: wow...lu han hyung has never given that much of a shit about his dongsaengs

Do Kyungsoo: w/e

Kim Kai: hyung let’s walk together

Do Kyungsoo: do you think I want to deal with sehun and his boy problems

yehet: we cool now

Kungfu panda tao: thats to be determined

baekhyunee: so it’s settled? how many ppl are coming

xingxing: 12

yeol: TURN UP

jongdae: stop him

Luhannie: whos gonna drive us back when junmyeon inevitably gets too drunk

Kim Junmyeon: hey!

Luhannie: i see you on thursday nights

Luhannie: and mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, and fridays

Luhannie: saturdays you have to be sober for church

yeol: EXPOSE HIM

minseok: is he already drunk

jongdae: no he’s just like that

baekhyunee: he drank half a carton of expired coconut milk

xingxing: we’re ready to go!

Luhannie: gotchu fam, we’re outside

 

[2:13 a.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: I can hear colors


	7. lu han is not the oldest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jongdae: hello 911 I just witnessed a fucking slaughter

[7:14 a.m.]

baekhyunee: did i get arrested last night?

yeol: no that was me

yeol: u stood by and laughed bc u thot the police officer was a clown and that if u laugh clows leave u alone

jongdae: you just abandoned pcy to the police

baekhyunee: no its okay

baekhyunee: I remember that the police officer was high so he let chanyeol go when cy said “no i used the toadstool. that’s 50 battle damage.”

jongdae: that’s not

jongdae: there is no video game in which that exists

Do Kyungsoo: why do you guys always do this.

Do Kyungsoo: it’s 7am. suffer your hangovers like the rest of us. In silence.

minseok: the mute button is in the upper right hand corner

baekhyunee: oh shit

yeol: daaamm

Do Kyungsoo: why are you coming for me hyung

minseok: its too early and im too hungover to mask my hatred for humanity right now.

minseok: and lu han dont send me pics of a kermit the frog lamp and tell me its ur dick ever again.

jongdae: fuckk

jongdae: hello 911 I just witnessed a fucking slaughter

baekhyunee: is it bad that im lowkey turned on

yeol: by the kermit the frog lamp?

baekhyunee: what the fuck kind of question is that

baekhyunee: ya nasty

yeol: lmao

yeol: everyone knows the kinkiest out of all of us is jongdae anyway

jongdae: im not going to answer to that

baekhyunee: he did it in a church once

Do Kyungsoo: are you fucking kidding me

Do Kyungsoo: you were the last semi-normal one jongdae.

Do Kyungsoo: i had such high hopes

jongdae: yolo [peace sign]

 

[3:42 p.m.]

yeol: hey you guys want to have our first band practice

xingxing: now?

baekhyunee: i just started feeling normal again

jongdae: im at work

baekhyunee: ??? why

baekhyunee: youre not even an employee. you cant get fired if you dont go

jongdae: money

yeol: speaking of money

yeol: remember that 300000 won i got from that guy’s will

yeol: it turned out that it was the policer officer that was going to arrest me last night

yeol: his names jihoon

yeol: he plays basketball on weekends

jongdae: and?

yeol: and he can see the future

yeol: he knew if he left the money for me i can use it to buy drinks last night and get drunk, allowing us to finally meet

baekhyunee: okay?

baekhyunee: why did he want to meet you so much?

yeol: he doesnt know

yeol: but it probably means something

jongdae: u sure he wasnt just high when he “foretold” ur name and face or whatno

jongdae: t

jongdae: why do I want to accept your explanation of him being able to tell the future tho

xingxing: seems plausible

 

[8:39 p.m.]

Luhannie: fUCK ME

xingxing: ...no.

Luhannie: idk what im going to do when I go over to minseok’s again tomrorow

Luhannie: we’ve had like, two conversations

Luhannie: one in which I compared his hallway vase to a biblical symbol of sexuality

Luhannie: and the other where I sent him dick pics of a kermit lamp

xingxing: maybe get him to talk about himself

xingxing: ask him questions?

Luhannie: you know how fast that can escalate

xingxing: lol yeah I just want to see how minseok would react if one moment youre asking for his favorite band and the other you ask how many kids he wants to have

Luhannie: fuck why did you tell me that

Luhannie: gOD

Luhannie: im going to do that the next time I see him now

Luhannie: and it will be your fault yixing

xingxing: lolz

 

[11:45 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: shut up lu han.

Kim Junmyeon: I can hear you reenacting the leo dicaprio movie of romeo and juliet in the bathrooom

galaxy_fanfan: oh man

galaxy_fanfan: is he doing his voice impressions?

Kim Junmyeon: is that what they were?

Kim Junmyeon: I thought he was SLUGHTERING AN ANIMAL IN THERE

Luhannie: suck it up junmyeon

Luhannie: and pray you have talent like me one day

yehet: why do old people always fight like that

Kim Kai: its sad

Kungfu panda tao: have they had their oatmeal for the day yet?

jongdae: maybe theyll calm down after they remove their uncomfortable dentures

galaxy_fanfan: hahaha

Kim Kai: why are you laughing were talking about you

Kim Kai: hyung

galaxy_fanfan: it doesn’t matter. no matter which year I was born lu han is oldest, so I will always have someone to make old man jokes about

xingxing: he’s not the oldest anymore tho

xingxing: minseok hyung is

Kim Kai: :00000000

Kungfu panda tao: but can anyone really make old man jokes about minseok hyung. can they really. His face

yehet: ur right lets go back to making fun of lu han hyung

Luhannie: I will kill you all.

galaxy_fanfan: they’ll find your receipts on my dead body

 

[10:23 a.m.]

jongdae: the choir social is this sunday, if anyone wants to go tell me

jongdae: seojun especially asked for you, baekhyun

baekhyunee: ew no

baekhyunee: tell seojun i will never do choir again

jongdae: get over it omg

jongdae: its been two years

Kungfu panda tao: what are you guy stalking about?

Kungfu panda tao: talking*

Kungfu panda tao: I cant believe my phone just exposed you

yeol: cant talk

yeol: we made a pact to never bring up the Incident ever agin

Kungfu panda tao: now I really want to know

baekhyunee: im warning you, stay out of this, zitao

baekhyunee: some stones are better left unturned

_ xingxing sent a voice recording. _

baekhyunee: thanks for the suspenseful background music yixing hyung

baekhyunee: you a real one

Kungfu panda tao: warning or no

Kungfu panda tao: I will get to the bottom of this.

_ Kungfu panda tao sent a voice recording. _

yeol: hahaha what the fuck?

yeol: ducks quacking?

Kungfu panda tao: those are not ducks

Kungfu panda tao: and that was the wrong sound clip oops


	8. yixing is best friend of the year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [9:20 p.m.]  
>  _galaxy_fanfan sent a picture._  
>  xingxing: NO  
> Luhannie: what the fuck  
> minseok: no one asked for this

[4:16 p.m.]

baekhyunee: I’m the best

baekhyunee: at football

jongdae: don't lie to urself liek that

baekhyunee: you can ask anyone

jongdae: lu han hyung?

xingxing: he's busy

xingxing: he went to work on his civics project with minseok hyung

baekhyunee: I've never seen lu han hyung dash from the football field that fast

jongdae: lmao

baekhyunee: yixing hyung are you busy rn? we can start practicing for the band

xingxing: I can come over ^-^

jongdae: why don't you ask me or cy?

baekhyunee: bc you have no life

yeol: r00d

Do Kyungsoo: has anyone seen zitao?

Do Kyungsoo: he's usually home at this time everyday to watch detective kenan

Kim Kai: he's out with sehun

yeol: [moon with face]

 

[9:20 p.m.]

_ galaxy_fanfan sent a picture. _

xingxing: NO

Luhannie: what the fuck

minseok: no one asked for this

Luhannie: yixing are you ok

xingxing: I think I might atcually be cryin g

Luhannie: wu yifan say goodby eto your life now

galaxy_fanfan: wrong chat

yehet: im too young to have my innocence stripped away like this

galaxy_fanfan: ah shut it, uve done it with zitao, dont act like its something uve never seen before

minseok: WU YIFAN

minseok: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

jongdae: oh shit he’s yelling

Do Kyungsoo: Ive never seen minseok hyung yell before what’s going to happen?

minseok: NOT ONLY HAVE YOU SENT US AN UNSOLICITED PICTURE OF YOUR DICK

minseok: YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY

minseok: TO MESS UP SEHUN’S INNOCENCE

minseok: IN FRONT OF ME????

yeol: yiiiikkkess

baekhyunee: go ooooooff

galaxy_fanfan: oh no

galaxy_fanfan: im so sorry pls dont cut my balls off it was an honest mistake i never wanted to mess up sehun’s innocence pls

yehet: minseok hyung :(((

yehet: it was so horrible

Kungfu panda tao: omg

Kungfu panda tao: you tell him babe

Kungfu panda tao: I think sehun is crying

galaxy_fanfan: shit no

galaxy_fanfan: no he isnt

minseok: WU YIFAN

galaxy_fanfan: fuck

minseok: DONT WORRY ABOUT YOUR BALLS ANYMORE

Kungfu panda tao: i dont think he deserves a whole dick anymore

galaxy_fanfan: MINSEOK [weary face x4]

galaxy_fanfan: IT WAS A MISTAKE

galaxy_fanfan: hyung~~

minseok: APOLOGIZE

galaxy_fanfan: im sorry hyung

galaxy_fanfan: im sorry sehun

galaxy_fanfan: im sorry everyone who saw my unsolicited dick pic

jongdae: who was the dick pic for tho?

jongdae: >:)

galaxy_fanfan: junmyeon

galaxy_fanfan: please hyung i never wanted to show sehun my dick

minseok: I see

minseok: KIM JUNMYEON

Kim Kai: oh shit

Luhannie: he ain’t ever this way about me tho :(

 

[8:49 a.m.]

jongdae: im thinking about quitting choir

baekhyunee: dO IT

baekhyunee: leave that god forsekn place

jongdae: but I mean

jongdae: if this band doesn’t work out

yeol: itll work out

yeol: didnt u hear us at our 1st practice

baekhyunee: were prodigies

yixing: I’m still not that good at the bass though :(

baekhyunee: dw hyung youll get it

baekhyunee: fighting!!!!!

Kungfu panda tao: choir sounds terrible by the way you talk about it baekhyun hyung

jongdae: nah that’s jsut him

jongdae: choir is normal

Kungfu panda tao: rly??

Kungfu panda tao: whats different about baekhyun hyung?

jongdae: baekhyun’s just not normal

Kungfu panda tao: ah

Kungfu panda tao: okay

Kungfu panda tao: thats cool I guess

baekhyunee: lmao u were trying to find out what happened werent you?

baekhyunee: not happening

Kungfu panda tao: just you wait

baekhyunee: no im not going to do that

Kungfu panda tao: :(((

Kungfu panda tao: but I was going to monologue!

Do Kyungsoo: shut up no one’s trying to hear you.

Kungfu panda tao: kyungsoo hyung, I thought you were my friend

Do Kyungsoo: I am

Do Kyungsoo: zitao

Do Kyungsoo: don’t fucking cry I stg.

Do Kyungsoo: fuck

Kim Kai: he aint ever this way abt me tho :(

baekhyunee: yes he is

yeol: yes he is

jongdae: bitch is you blind?

 

[3:10 p.m.]

minseok: so Im thinking about going to that artisan coffee shop downtown

Luhannie: sounds interesting :))

minseok: u wanna go with me?

Luhannie: with you?

Luhannie: just you?

Luhannie: to get coffee???

minseok: um

minseok: yeah

minseok: I mean you don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to

minseok: I just thought that since we were talking more and that you liked coffee that we can go get it together?

 

[3:10 p.m.]

Luhannie: fuck fucj fuck fukc

Luhannie: minseok just asked me to get coffee with him what do i do

Luhannie: fuck i just fell off my bed

xingxing: say yes

Luhannie: YOURE RIGHT

Luhannie: damn yixing what would I do without you

xingxing: :)

 

[3:11 p.m.]

Luhannie: sorry I fell off my bed

Luhannie: coffee? we can totally get coffee together let’s go right now

minseok: okay!!!

Luhannie: I’ll meet you outside your house in ten okay?

minseok: yeah

 

[3:12 p.m.]

Luhannie: oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

Luhannie: it’s not even a date why am I being like this

Luhannie: gotta go dont text me in the next 4 hours or so unless I text you first

Luhannie: maybe 2 hours? maybe minseok doesnt want to spend that much time with me

xingxing: lu han

xingxing: breathe

xingxing: remember to wear cologne

xingxing: and don’t throw up as soon as you see him

Luhannie: tru tru tru

Luhannie: okay

Luhannie: im going now

xingxing: make me proud :)

 

[11:24 p.m.]

Luhannie: yixing

Luhannie: I think my heart has officially stopped

xingxing: how did it go?

Luhannie: so i got nervous

Luhannie: and ended up asking “this isn’t a date, is it?”

Luhannie: and minseok replied,

Luhannie: “no, but if you want to go on a real one I’m free this weekend”

xingxing: damn

xingxing: I understand now why your heart would stop

Luhannie: what if he didn’t actually say that though

Luhannie: what if my head was so fucked up from nerves and having kim minseok sitting across from me with a heart drawn in his latte that I hallucinated him asking me out

xingxing: do you want me to ask him,

xingxing: “did you ask lu han out?”

xingxing: b/c I can probably do it on the sly

Luhannie: no it’s cool

Luhannie: everything’s fine.

xingxing: u sure?

Luhannie: yeah I just need

Luhannie: I just need to jack off I think

xingxing: alright

xingxing: don’t do it while your roommate’s in the room

xingxing: like some people [glare face]


	9. yifan's no one's best friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [10:14 a.m.]  
> galaxy_fanfan: why  
> minseok: ???  
> galaxy_fanfan: I thought we had something

[10:14 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: why

minseok: ???

galaxy_fanfan: I thought we had something

minseok: what the fuck

minseok: is this about lu han

minseok: three people have already come up to me crying today I dont need your shit

galaxy_fanfan: ok but at the very least we were best friends right?

galaxy_fanfan: you dont tell me things about your lyfe

minseok: first of all, never spell life like that again

minseok: second, I barely count us as friends

galaxy_fanfan: omg

galaxy_fanfan: ok first of all, rude

galaxy_fanfan: im fucking amazing

galaxy_fanfan: secnod, I’m like the only one in the gc u actually talk to outside of necessity

minseok: I talk to jongdae

minseok: and sehun

minseok: and junmyeon

minseok: wait no, that’s only when necessary

minseok: and LU HAN

galaxy_fanfan: still

galaxy_fanfan: when did you even start liking lu han

minseok: like four years ago?

minseok: the constant staring was kind of a put off tho

galaxy_fanfan: damn

galaxy_fanfan: ure both so fucked

minseok: ?

galaxy_fanfan: well anyway

galaxy_fanfan: as lu han’s best friend, I am obligated to give this speech to you

minseok: yixing’s lu han’s best friend

galaxy_fanfan: why you gotta be like that

minseok: #you only lyve once

galaxy_fanfan: we are no longer talking

minseok:  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[6:31 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: this chat has been quiet all day, this is weird.

Kim Kai: wer’e in morning

yeol: didnt u hear?

baekhyunee: minseok hhung

baekhyunee: *sniffles*

baekhyunee: is taken

Kungfu panda tao: [crying face x6]

jongdae: now we only have sehun’s pictures of his dick outline

Do Kyungsoo: don’t be nasty, he can see this.

yehet: HE’S TOO BUSY

yehet: W/ HIS NEW BF [crying face x5]

Kim Kai: r u not affected, junmyeon hyung?

Kim Junmyeon: I mean

Kim Junmyeon: he rejects me like 4 times a week, so I’m used to it.

Kim Junmyeon: come on! let’s go get a drink

Do Kyungsoo: it’s Thursday, we still have classes tomorrow.

baekhyunee: who cares anymore

Kim Junmyeon: it’s close enough to friday for me!

Kungfu panda tao: i dont want to go out tho

jongdae: just come over

jongdae: we have enough alcohol stashed to last a year

yeol: ^ reasons y kyungsoo should live w/ us

Do Kyungsoo: no

Kungfu panda tao: my roommate!!!!

Kungfu panda tao: although i will trade him to u if you tell me your secrets

baekhyunee: can a man mourn in peace

Kim Junmyeon: let’s get going!!! Alcohol!!!!

Kim Junmyeon: I’ll even drive everyone

yehet: :( thanks mom

 

[2:19 p.m.]

Kim Junmyeon: I think we really bonded last night

jongdae: if by bonded you mean we all had a very nice time terrorizing not only one, but three bars then yes we became very close last night

Kim Junmyeon: so we’re talking again?

jongdae: I’ll talk to you, but that doesn’t mean I like you.

Kim Junmyeon: I’ll take it!!

Do Kyungsoo: why the fuck did you fuckers decide it was a good idea to put mentos in everyone’s drinks???

yeol: for science!!!!

Do Kyungsoo: they thought those were date rape drugs!!

Kim Kai: how did we not get arrested?

yeol: I told u, that cop is my homie

yeol: he told me I could burn down the hospital and hed be okay w/ it

Kim Junmyeon: that is not a healthy friendship

yeol: u think so hyung?

Kim Junmyeon: I mean

Kim Junmyeon: I don’t really care so…

baekhyunee: asshole

Kim Junmyeon: imagine me giving a shit

Kim Junmyeon: unrealistic, right?

Kungu panda tao: *air horsn*

 

[1:51 a.m.]

Luhannie: junmyeon I can HEAR you fucking yifan in the room next to mine

Luhannie: shut the fuck up or I swear TO GOD

galaxy_fanfan: WHAT THECJ UFCK 

Kim Junmyeon: did you set off the fire alarm what the fuck is this?

Luhannie: my preliminary measures

Luhannie: and no, I only set off the sprinklers in your room

Luhannie: you’ve interrupted my beauty sleep one too many times, Kim Junmyeon.

Kim Junmyeon: what! the! fuck!

baekhyunee: lmaoooooooo

yeol: *air horns*

Kim Junmyeon: you shady bitches

galaxy_fanfan: @ minseok do you see this

galaxy_fanfan: this is the true lu han

galaxy_fanfan: he’s evil and kind of a genius

galaxy_fanfan: the Worst combination

 

[7:05 a.m.]

minseok: yah i know

xingxing: u gonna expose me next yifan or?

jongdae: waht

galaxy_fanfan: oh yeah

galaxy_fanfan: yixing’s the fucking devil too

Kim Kai: hyung

Kim Kai: if sumthings going on dont hesitate to see a psychiatrist

Kim Kai: they rly help

yeol: HAHAHA yeah right

baekhyunee: yixing hyung is the last good human being left on this world!

Do Kyungsoo: hyung’s lost it.

 

[7:07 a.m.]

xingxing: i told u no one will believe you

galaxy_fanfan: HOW???

galaxy_fanfan: it’s the ^-^ faces isnt it?

xingxing: :) :) :) :)


	10. jongdae calls baekhyun "hyung" twice in one chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [6:56 p.m.]  
> Luhannie: he's coming he's coming he's coming he's coming

[6:56 p.m.]

Luhannie: he's coming he's coming he's coming he's coming

 

[10:16 p.m.]

xingxing: how was it

xingxing: how cute was he

xingxing: did u take pics

xingxing: did he take advantages

xingxing: are we going to be going on a double date soon

xingxing: wait I don't have a date

xingxing: reminder to self: gotta get a date to go on a double date w/ lumin

xingxing: “lumin” even ur couple name is cute

xingxing: did you kiss him

xingxing: is he gonna meet ur parents?

xingxing: is he gonna meet mine

 

[4:28 a.m.]

Luhannie: we fucked

 

[8:39 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: YOU FUCKED MINSEOK???

Luhannie: YIXING TOLD YOU???

galaxy_fanfan: NO BUT HE WAS SCREAMING ABT IT AT 4 AM

Kungfu panda tao: how fast was lu han hyung?

baekhyunee: five bucks says it took him a min and a half

minseok: it was a min 45

jongdae: HAHAHA

yeol: LOLLLL

Luhannie: fuck you guys

baekhyunee: good thing no one took the bet

baekhyunee: this band made me broke

jongdae: um? Try paying for band AND suits for choir??

baekhyunee: just quit

yeol: u hav so little faith in our music gang, jongdae

jongdae: were not calling it a music gang

baekhyunee: don't think we're dun w/ you, lu han hyung

baekhyunee: let's go to lunch together

Luhannie: fuck no

Luhannie: I hate you guys

jongdae: u underestimate our stalker tendencies

jongdae: we will find u

Do Kyungsoo: and y'all have the audacity to call me creepy?

 

[12:37 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: u kno what junmyeon

Kim Junmyeon: no I don't know what

galaxy_fanfan: seeing lu han and minseok together made me realize something

galaxy_fanfan: clearly lu han has found his happy ending

galaxy_fanfan: and there's no way no ones going to love yixing

galaxy_fanfan: maybe it's time for me to stop ducking around and just accept love in my life too

Kim Junmyeon: what r you saying?

galaxy_fanfan: kim junmyeon

galaxy_fanfan: will you go out with me?

Kim Junmyeon: aww yifan

Kim Junmyeon: not if you're asking by text im not

Kim Junmyeon: seriously who do you think I am? I'm expensive as hell

Kim Junmyeon: I want flowers, presents, a heartfelt speech, and a horse-drawn carriage

galaxy_fanfan: you're richer than me why am I the one who pays in this relationship??

Kim Junmyeon: the one who pays gets to top

galaxy_fanfan: expect everything you want and more <3<3

 

[7:52 p.m.]

jongdae: question

jongdae: that is yifan hyung and Junmyeon sshi holding hands and sitting across from each other in a suspiciously date-like fashion right?

baekhyunee: …..yeah

jongdae: how long have they been going out?

baekhyunee: a few days now

baekhyunee: almost a week

baekhyunee: are you okay?

jongdae: yeah

jongdae: idk

baekhyunee: jongdae yah, he's not worth your heartbreak

jongdae: im not heartbroken

jongdae: I was then but that was only because he was my first love

jongdae: im just going through some residual feelings

baekhyunee: you know what will cheer you up?

jongdae: rock our first performance on Saturday, get a record deal, and become world famous?

baekhyunee: I was going to say get a boyfriend but personal accomplishments work too

jongdae: thanks baekhyun hyung

jongdae: as a first step, im quitting choir

baekhyunee: whatever makes you happy

jongdae: [eyes x3]

baekhyunee: okay

baekhyunee: YOU FINALLY DITCHED THAT MESS THANK FUCKING CAMEL GOD

jongdae: I knew it

 

[2:13 p.m.]

Luhannie: so I need a date for the band performance on Saturday

Luhannie: wherever will I find one??

minseok: you can go with your boyfriend

minseok: oh wait, that's me

minseok: [pink heart with sparkles x2]

Luhannie: boyfriend hehe <3

minseok: ok enough of this being gross thing

minseok: when are you picking me up

Luhannie: u wanna leave at 5 and get there early so we can hang out before the kids get there?

Luhannie: or I can just pick you up from work

minseok: ok but i have to go home and change first

Luhannie: please let me watch

minseok: ur gross

Luhannie: u LOVE me

minseok: You say it once and he holds it against you forever

 

[4:49 p.m.]

baekhyunee: YOU GUYS ARE ALL COMING TO OUR PERF TONITE, NO EXCUSES

Kim Kai: can u guys at least tell us the name so we can buy tickets?

Junmyeonie: I can’t believe you guys paid other ppl to keep up out of the loop. Who tf does that?

yeol: whyd u chnage ur name

Luhannie: b/c i did it when i had a man

Junmyeonie: ew dont imply that I would imitate you

baekhyunee: you guys are both gross

baekhyunee: but it is Time

baekhyunee: To Reveal The Name Of The New Big Thing On Campus

yeol: consisting of members park chanyeol,

baekhyunee: light of your worlds,

xingxing: pelvic thrust,

jongdae: and dino-dae…

yeol: we give u

yeol: Lions and Men!!!

_baekhyunee sent a picture._

Kungfu panda tao: wow I did not see that coming

minseok: how did they get jongdae to agree to having baekhyun’s lion roar as their logo?

yehet: more like puppy growl

baekhyunee: zip it broccoli head

baekhyunee: it only took me 5 bjs

Kim Kai: ewwww

minseok: can you not say such things in front of the kids?

yehet: oh so now jongin is your son now too, minseok hyung? I thought u were over being disloyal

minseok: no, sehun.

minseok: jongin is my daughter.

Kim Kai: i dont want lu han hyung as a dad tho

Kim Kai: his laughing face scares me

Luhannie: shut up, youre adopted

jongdae: is byun baekhyun slandering me again

jongdae: he paid me 250 thousand won

jongdae: as if I want his mouth anywhere near my dick

jongdae: who knows where its been?

baekhyunee: up ur mom’s ass :) :)

 

[11:11 p.m.]

jongdae: hyung

baekhyunee: oh so it’s ‘hyung’ now?

baekhyunee: what a fake bitch

jongdae: can you not do that for a second

jongdae: I have actual problems

baekhyunee: what problems could u have

baekhyunee: our performance went great, kim junmyeon was kicked out of the club for pda 2 minutes into our show, we get free drinks for the rest of the night

jongdae: is it normal to have sex with a band member after ur first performance?

baekhyunee: oh shit

baekhyunee: was it yixing hyung or chanyeol?

baekhyunee: or was it me?

baekhyunee: im so sorry for not remembering us having sex jongdae

jongdae: no dumbass

baekhyunee: SO IT WAS CHANYEOL

baekhyunee: HOW WAS IT? WAS HE BIG?

jongdae: ...uve seen cy’s dick before

jongdae: u’ve also had sex with him before

baekhyunee: WELL U HVAE 2 GIVE ME AT LEAST SOME DETAILS

jongdae: cant, it wasnt him

jongdae: it was yixing hyung

baekhyunee: no it wasnt

jongdae: baekhyun he’s sitting next to me right now

jongdae: reading our texts over my shoulder

jongdae: we are literally still naked

baekhyunee: hold up

baekhyunee: where are you?

jongdae: dressing room

baekhyunee: ok brb

baekhyunee: sorry I had to look

baekhyunee: for research purposes

jongdae: baekhyun

baekhyunee: dat dick tho

jongdae: ik

jongdae: what do i do now

baekhyunee: is he still there?

jongdae: yeah but he’s unconscious

baekhyunee: okay here’s the thing

baekhyunee: you cuff

jongdae: what?

baekhyunee: you CUFF

baekhyunee: hurry up jongdae there’s not much time left!!1

jongdae: i fucking hate you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession- I only started this fic because I was inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/hy0xing/status/715604198855933956). So, essentially, everything in this fic has been leading up to this chapter. I never knew it would turn into this monstrosity, and I never really thought I would actually get to this point. In any case, I am celebrating both completing my objective and 10,000 words on a fic!! Thank you all for supporting me with your nice comments and kudos and your time. To show my gratitude, here is a preview to the Christmas Special:
> 
>  
> 
> [8:04 a.m.]  
> jongBAE: JINGLE BELLS MOTHERFUCKERS  
> jongBAE: MERRY CHRISTMAS  
> LuDeer: shut up  
> LuDeer: I liked him better when he was single and lonely
> 
>  
> 
> The Christmas Special will be taking place two months from the current events, so expect some...differences. I will post Chapter 11 sometime before December 24, and the Christmas Special will be Chapter 12, coming out on the 24 or 25. Happy holidays btiches!!!


	11. zitao becomes a thane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luhannie: who’s your new tutor?  
> Kungfu panda tao: jealous?  
> Luhannie: _eat an entire dick*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> italicized and starred words are in Chinese

[12:43 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: this chat has been so quiet lately.

Kim Kai: its becuz everyone is dating and 2 busy wi each other

Do Kyungsoo: I thought bros before hoes

Do Kyungsoo: was the golden rule

Kim Kai: if id wanted a third roomate i wouldnt hav helped sehun kick zitao out the first tmie

Kungfu panda tao: you did WHAT?

yehet: lol

yeol: aww did u miss us soo?

Do Kyungsoo: and now it is no longer quiet so i will go.

yeol: W8!!!

_Do Kyungsoo has left the chat._

Kim Kai: wait wat

baekhyunee: omg why did he leave the chat

yeol: KYUNGSOO AH COM BACK

yeol: THERES SO MUCH I HVENT SAID 2 HIM

baekhyunee: cry it out, pal

baekhyunee: it was so good while it lasted

yeol: WE DIDNT APPRECIATE HIM AND NOW HE’S GONE

yeol: GONE I TELL U

jongdae: parting is such sweet sorrow

yeol: THERS NOTHING SWEET ABT MY TEARS

baekhyunee: are they salty?

jongdae: as salty as they come?

yeol: NEVER WAS THERE A STORY OF MORE WOE

baekhyunee: than this of do kyungsoo

jongdae: and his park chanyeol

yeol: [crying face x11]

yeol: OH, I AM FORUTNE’S FOOL!

baekhyunee: under love’s heavy burden did he sink

jongdae: the sun, for sorrow, will not show his head

yeol: HEED ME NOW, CHILDREN

yeol: LOVE IS A SMOKE RAISED WITH THE FUME OF SIGHS

yeol: SAVE URSELVES

yeol: WHILE U CAN

jongdae: thus with a kiss, he dies

baekhyunee: o happy dagger! This is thy sheath, there rust, and let chanyeol die

yeol: [skull x2]

Junmyeonie: Good God!

minseok: do you guys just narrate each other’s deaths on a normal basis or…?

baekhyunee: we’re expert dramatists!!

Kungfu panda tao: more like experts in drama

baekhyunee: says the guy who stomped out of the dining hall after they ran out of tater tots

jongdae: I though you said that you were on a military-grade health regime to maintain ur figure?

Kungfu panda tao: dont u dare fucking question the validity of tater tots

baekhyunee: ooh big words

Kungfu panda tao: since lu han ge is now too busy watching minseok ge while he sleeps

Kungfu panda tao: I got a new and better tutor

Luhannie: excuse you I taught you how to speak fluently u ungrateful lil shit

Luhannie: who’s your new tutor?

Kungfu panda tao: jealous?

Luhannie: _eat an entire dick*_

Kungfu panda tao: maybe later

Kungfu panda tao: it’s actually you, lu han ge

Kungfu panda tao: from 6 years ago

Kungfu panda tao: myspace.com/ronaldosthighs

baekhyunee: oh

jongdae: my

yeol: god

yeol: i resurrected from the dead 2 see this

galaxy_fanfan: zitao

galaxy_fanfan: as a ge who loves you

galaxy_fanfan: start packing your bags

galaxy_fanfan: pm me for the number of the guy to get a passport and fake id from

Kungfu panda tao: what are you talking abt?

galaxy_fanfan: you have to leave the country zitao

galaxy_fanfan: you cant go back to china either, im pretty sure yixing’s family is the mafia

Kungfu panda tao: im not going anywhere yifan ge

galaxy_fanfan: YOU HAVE TO

galaxy_fanfan: THIS ISNT A JOKE ZITAO

galaxy_fanfan: IF YOU STAY HERE

galaxy_fanfan: HE WILL FIND YOU

yehet: wait lu han hyung

yehet: dont com ein here

Kungfu panda tao: WHAT EHFU CK

galaxy_fanfan: I WARNED YOU

galaxy_fanfan: IT’S TOO LATE FOR YOU NOW

jongdae: seems like lu han hyung unseamed him from the nave to th’ chops

baekhyunee: and fixed his head upon minseok hyung’s battlements

yeol: for love

jongdae: FOR THE CROWN

baekhyunee: THE SCEPTER

yeol: FAREWELL THANE ZITAO

Kim Kai: im so disturbed

Kim Kai: i didnt know the human body can bend like that

Kim Kai: txt if ure okay, zitao

Kim Kai: im going to find kyungsoo hyung and watch him skin chickens for a less distubing image

 

[1:02 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: jongin

Do Kyungsoo: remind chanyeol to add me back into the groupchat

 

[1:21 p.m.]

Kim Kai: kyungsoo hyung im coming over

Kim Kai: warning that zitao may not go home tonite

Kim Kai: and do u just want me to add u again?

Do Kyungsoo: no chanyeol has to do it

Kim Kai: ??

Kim Kai: whats teh difference?

Do Kyungsoo: trust me jongin

Do Kyungsoo: it has to be this way

 

[3:44 p.m.]

_yeol added Do Kyungsoo._

jongdae: KYUNGSOO YAH

baekhyunee: u missed lu han hyung’s myspace lolll

Luhannie: mention it again and I will turn zitao inside out

Do Kyungsoo: hands off my roommate

minseok: kyungsoo please

minseok: I actually like you

minseok: don’t give lu han reason to come after you

baekhyunee: minsoek hyung i take back everything i said about u being uptight

yeol: minseok hyung lowkey endorses the maiming of sophomore transfer students

jongdae: theyre actually lowkey terrified right now

jongdae: it’s good b/c this house is finaly quiet

jongdae: thanks you minseok hyung

baekhyunee: u are loudest of us all

Do Kyungsoo: jongdae hits 100 decibels when he breathes

jongdae: fuck u all

jongdae: I didnt come  here to be disrespected

yeol: then please get out

yeol: this was supposed to be my dramtatic reunion w/ kyungsoo

Junmyeonie: quote shakespeare again and I will blow up your frat

yehet: JESUS this is EXACTLY what we need right now! more violence!

yehet: why do old ppl hate humanity so much?

minseok: cause young people wont get off my fucking lawn!!

baekhyunee: THEY WILL NOW THAT ZITAO’S HEAD IS UP THERE

xingxing: keep it til halloween

xingxing: good way to be festive! ^-^

baekhyunee: youre so cute, yixing hyung!!

jongdae: :3 :3

yeol: hyung do you want to throw a party with us for halloween?

xingxing: sure chanyeol!

xingxing: it’s still a month away but it’s never too early to start planning!!!

baekhyunee: omg yaassss

galaxy_fanfan: UGGHHHH

galaxy_fanfan: LU HAN ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Luhannie: lolllll

galaxy_fanfan: HOW! DOES! HE! GET! AWAY! WITH! IT!

minseok: it’s the ^-^ faces

minseok: I do the same thing except using my face

Junmyeonie: you do have a nice face

Luhannie: [knife x2]

Junmyeonie: you know. objectively. from pure observation only. the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Luhannie: [panda x2]

galaxy_fanfan: you sick bastard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time...
> 
> [12:01 a.m.]  
> LuDeer: fuck I love you guys  
> LuDeer: even kim minseok  
> LuDeer: especially minseok


	12. Christmas Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months after the events of the last chapter...

[8:04 a.m.]

jongBAE: JINGLE BELLS MOTHERFUCKERS

jongBAE: MERRY CHRISTMAS

LuDeer: shut up

LuDeer: I liked him better when he was single and lonely

jongBAE: STUFF THESE CANDY CANES UP UR ASS HYUNG

LuDeer: what?

 

[8:29 a.m.]

LuDeer: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

yeol: lmao what he do

LuDeer: this bitch legit came into my room just to throw candy canes at me

jongBAE: ITS CHIETMAS

LuDeer: ITS DECEMBER 21

Seven knives: the winter solstice 

LuDeer: why is that even relevant

baekhyunee: ofc he knows the shortest day of the year

baekhyunee: that's when he prepares all his potions or w/e he does in that room of his

Seven knives: why are you still salty about me moving?

baekhyunee: you LEFT zitao

Kungfu panda tao: I don't mind

baekhyunee: YES YOU DO

minseok: baekhyun

baekhyunee: sorry hyung

Seven knives: im not arguing w/ you, baekhyun.

Seven knives: its Christmas 

LuDeer: [side-eye face x4]

galaxy_fanfan: [side-eye face x4]

xingxing: do you have any more candy canes jongdae? ^-^

jongBAE: would you like some hyung?

xingxing: yes please

xingxing: we can leave those two to be grumpy old men together

LuDeer: you guys are disgusting

baekhyunee: disgustingly CUTE

Junmyeonie: has everyone gone Christmas shopping yet?

Seven knives: all except sehun and jongin

yehet: I don't buy gifts

yehet: people buy gifts for ME

Kungfu panda tao: wait so you didn't get me anything?

yehet: oh you'll get a Christmas gift ;)

minseok: *clears throat*

yehet: I mean

yehet: I made you something

yehet: the best gifts come from the heart, right?

Kungfu panda tao: you didn't KNIT me anything did you?

yehet: no omg

yehet: that was just a phase

Kim Kai: oh no I forgot to go Christmas shopping

Seven knives: I can take you

Seven knives: today

baekhyunee: eager ;) ;) ;)

Kim Kai: shut up

Kungfu panda tao: his face is red lol

baekhyunee: jongin and kyungsoo sitting in a tree,

Seven knives: [knife x7]

minseok: baekhyun 

baekhyunee: I didn't say anything

 

[3:45 p.m.]

jongBAE: junmyeon hyung where are you???

jongBAE: we sent yeol alcohol shopping and he's been gone for four hours

Junmyeonie: on it

Junmyeonie: you should have asked me to buy it for you in the first place

baekhyunee: nah you had that meeting with the dean this morning right?

baekhyunee: don't be too busy around the holidays, hyung

Junmyeonie: thank you baekhyunnie :) [red heart x2]

yehet: aw

yehet: this is so heartwarming

yehet: I love how everyone is so loving around Christmas

yehet: even kyungsoo hyung came over this morning and delivered us figgy pudding

Kungfu panda tao: I don't even like figs but it was delicious

Kungfu panda tao: thanks hyung [smiley face]

baekhyunee: aw sehunnniiieeee

baekhyunee: zitao yahhhhhhh

yehet: I love you guys <3 <3

xingxing: I love you too sehunnie ^-^

xingxing: yifan is crying

galaxy_fanfan: no im not

minseok: yes you are you big baby

minseok: he's been sobbing into his soup for the last five minutes

galaxy_fanfan: fuck you guys

galaxy_fanfan: I’m grateful for you all

galaxy_fanfan: even you, lu han

LuDeer: you aren't getting anything from me

xingxing: he’ll break down by tomorrow

xingxing: it's Christmas Eve

xingxing: there's magic around the holidays 

Seven knives: [smiley face x2]

jongBAE: there IS magic

 

[12:01 a.m.]

LuDeer: fuck I love you guys

LuDeer: even kim minseok

LuDeer: especially minseok

LuDeer: even though you broke my heart

LuDeer: fuck I don't want to get my messy feelings involved in this

LuDeer: but minseok and baekhyun, I still love you guys

LuDeer: despite w/ev relationship drama

LuDeer: that went down betwee us

jongBAE: yixing hyung

xingxing: dw I got him

baekhyunee: lu han hyung

baekhyunee: im sorry

 

[9:18 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: top gift report!

xingxing: Christmas tree!

LuDeer: who gave you a tree?

xingxing: the manager that the mall ^-^

yeol: but isnt that thing like 50 ft tall?

xingxing: I know

xingxing: I donated it to the homeless shelter

baekhyunee: ure an angel, yixing hyung

Kungfu panda tao: Gucci hat

Kungfu panda tao: thx yifan hyung :)

Junmyeonie: money

jongBAE: lol he's right

jongBAE: but I can top that

galaxy_fanfan: let's hear it

jongBAE: blowjob

jongBAE: involving strawberry syrup

baekhyunee: I raise you minseok hyung’s nudes

jongBAE: no way

yeol: that's a lie

yeol: he told me he got lingerie with nice ass lace

baekhyunee: WTF YOU SWORE CONFIDENTIALITY

yeol: what am I ur lawyer?

baekhyunee: u were too drunk to remember weren't you?

yeol: Im not saying nothing

yeol: except that I got a yacht

yehet: WTF

minseok: language

yehet: well that's fantastic!**

yehet: HOW??

yehet: the most I got was jordans 

jongBAE: YEOL HAS A SUGAR DADDY

yeol: he's my soulmate

yeol: that happens to buy me stuff so that I don't leave him

Junmyeonie: that's a sugar daddy

Kungfu panda tao: that's the dream

yehet: hm?

Kungfu panda tao: nothing

galaxy_fanfan: well Chanyeol wins this one for sure 

yeol: yaaa boiiii

baekhyunee: chnayeol u know I'm ur best friend right

Kungfu panda tao: chanyeol hyung we’re close right?

yeol: yah calm ur shits I'll take you all on vacation during spring break

galaxy_fanfan: hell yeah

LuDeer: holla

xingxing: thanks chanyeol ^-^

Junmyeonie: MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS

yeol: merry Christmas everyone

Seven knives: so I'm finally done decorating my room

Seven knives: do you all want to come say it in person?

baekhyunee: wait

baekhyunee: is that why you wouldn't let anyone in for two weeks?

Seven knives: yeah what did you think it was?

baekhyunee: im coming over right now

jongBAE: wait for me omg

minseok: Merry Christmas everyone :) :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol


	13. kyungsoo does a thing with his eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [6:18 a.m.]  
> galaxy_fanfan: hello 911  
> galaxy_fanfan: hello  
> galaxy_fanfan: is this 911

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to our regularly scheduled nonsense...

[6:18 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: hello 911

galaxy_fanfan: hello

galaxy_fanfan: is this 911

Junmyeonie: yifan in korea we dial 112 for police

galaxy_fanfan: help my friends are scaring me wat do i do

baekhyunee: shh junmyeon hyung shut up for a sec

baekhyunee: yes this is 911, what is your problem?

galaxy_fanfan: who was the other guy?

baekhyunee: don’t mind him, he’s new

baekhyunee: how may I help u?

galaxy_fanfan: yeah

galaxy_fanfan: so one of my friends, im pretty sure he can mind control people

galaxy_fanfan: it’s rly scary but mostly becasue he used his mind control to get me to let him have the last fry

galaxy_fanfan: and my other friend has tried to kill me on multiple occasions, i always let him get close because hes like under 5 feet and skinnny as a pagenat queen so i think i can take him

galaxy_fanfan: and my other other friend is a hoe for drama and for freshman dick and both of those are legitimate concerns, more legitimate than my other concerns that i have listed for you abve but it doesnt matter because i tihnk my french who looks like a pageant queen decapitated him

galaxy_fanfan: friend* srry

baekhyunee: sounds like ur in a big pickle

baekhyunee: you want some free advice kid?

galaxy_fanfan: well yeah thats why i called you guys

baekhyunee: actually you texted

galaxy_fanfan: oh yeah nice new text messaging system

galaxy_fanfan: you guys are the future

baekhyunee: uh huh

baekhyunee: so here’s the advice

galaxy_fanfan: im listening

baekhyunee: when ur in a big pickle

baekhyunee: the best way to get out is to eat your way out

galaxy_fanfan: just eat?

baekhyunee: like how they say in nike. Instead of just do it just eat it

galaxy_fanfan: just eat the brined cucumber?

baekhyunee: hold up don’t go talking about eating cucumbers while ur in my house

galaxy_fanfan: im not?

Junmyeonie: yes you are.

Junmyeonie: wake up dumbass

 

[7:04 a.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: oh fuck

jongdae: wth

jongdae: were you high or something?

galaxy_fanfan: i think?

yeol: yifan hyung was kind enuff 2 drink up the rest of my expired coconut milk 4 me last night

yeol: thank god

yeol: it was getting near the time 2 throw it out

jongdae: that “time” was 2 YEARS AGO

Luhannie: PAGEANT QUEEN??????

yehet: your third friend reminds me of my dear deceased boyfriend zitao

Kungfu panda tao: stop telling people im dead

yehet: sometimes it feels like I can still hear his voice…

Kungfu panda tao: SEHUN

Kungfu panda tao: guys im not dead

Kungfu panda tao: you literally saw me last night

Kungfu panda tao: just severely injured and maimed

baekhyunee: i kno whos next LOLLL

minseok: kyungsoo you up?

Do Kyungsoo: YES.

minseok: come over, we can plot their deaths

minseok: I’ll make breakfast

Do Kyungsoo: got it hyung

galaxy_fanfan: WHAT THE HELL WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME TO DIE

Do Kyungsoo: STOP WAKING EVERYONE UP AT 6 AM WHILE EVERYONE IS HUNGOVER

yeol: ohs ht i

yeol: oh shit*

jongdae: gdi baekhyun

baekhyunee: it wasnt just me!

jongdae: ur right it was chanyeol

yeol: what??? I have never done anything wrong in my life

Junmyeonie: does anyone actually believe that?

yehet: *crickets*

baekhyunee: lu han hyung’s at the door what do i do

Luhannie: let me in

galaxy_fanfan: NO BAEKHYUN DON’T LET HIM IN

Kungfu panda tao: he let him in didnt he?

jongdae: u know it

 

[4:57 p.m.]

baekhyunee: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

baekhyunee: ^ that was my preview

baekhyunee: for whats coming next

Junmyeonie: what’s going on?

yehet: this better be worth my time

baekhyunee: story time kids

baekhyunee: gather around

Kungfu panda tao: i wonder what this is about

xingxing: im here, baekhyunnie!

jongdae: byun baekhyun do NOT tell them

yeol: im always up 4 making fun of jongdae

jongdae: this is not abt me

yeol: methinks the lady doth protest 2 much

Luhannie: ew don’t start that shakespeare shit again

Junmyeonie: you don’t seem to have anything against shakespeare in the bathroom at 3 am sunday night!!

Luhannie: let it go

minseok: [snowflake x4]

Luhannie: dont do this

minseok: youre the one who sings it in the shower tho

yehet: YIKES

baekhyunee: focus, people! on me!!!

Kim Kai: y?

galaxy_fanfan: for the view, obviously

baekhyunee: THANK you, yifan hyung

galaxy_fanfan: [raised hand]

baekhyunee: [raised hand]

baekhyunee: my Very Important Announcement is….

baekhyunee: theyre turning kyungsoo’s restaurant into a themed restaurant!!

baekhyunee: what’s more

baekhyunee: it’s artic themed

baekhyunee: and kyungsoo will be dressed as a penguin

Kim Kai: i thot there were no penguins in the artic?

baekhyunee: who cares!

yeol: LOLOLOLOLL

yeol: OH MY GOD

Junmyeonie: that’s so cute!!!

Junmyeonie: we should all go to the grand opening and support him!!

yehet: lmao goodbye I was never here for this conversation

Luhannie: same gotta fuck my boyfriend bye

minseok: excuse

galaxy_fanfan: baekhyun why dont you value life youre one of the ones I actually liked

Kungfu panda tao: i don’t know what this is about I don’t understand korean sorry

Do Kyungsoo: …

Do Kyungsoo: … 

jongdae: for the record, i told him not to

Do Kyungsoo: … 

Do Kyungsoo: dont come unless youre helping burn that place down

baekhyunee: aw but kyungieeee

Do Kyungsoo: byun baekhyun

Do Kyungsoo: how about I finally join your frat?

baekhyunee: lol no!

baekhyunee: as if I would give you access to where I sleep at night!

Do Kyungsoo: I will find a way

 

[2:53 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: I can still see him

Kungfu panda tao: it’s getting creepy

Kungfu panda tao: and i’m pretty okay with the majority of the things kyungsoo hyung does

yehet: it’s been three days

Kim Kai: is kyungsoo hyung watching baekhyun hyung practice from the bleachers again?

yehet: yea

yehet: he hasnt blinked once in seven minutes

Kim Kai: is he doing that thing with his eyes?

Kungfu panda tao: I don’t know what thing that is but I’m pretty sure I havea good idea

yehet: i swear there’s like a dark outline surrounding him

Kungfu panda tao: there’s fire burning in that dark space too

yehet: hellfire


	14. chanyeol ingests expired dairy AGAIN. when will he learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [8:21 p.m.]  
> baekhyunee: help I need an adult  
> baekhyunee: chanyeol just ate a bowl of bad ramen and now he's puking all over the place  
> Do Kyungsoo: baekhyunee you are an adult  
> baekhyunee: no I need someone adulter

[10:16 a.m.]

yeol: ewwwwew

yeol: i saw jongdae’s naked ass again

yeol: I wnat recompeonsation 4 my burnt eyeballs

Do Kyungsoo: Seriously?

Do Kyungsoo: Are you just skipping over the fact that we walked in on jongdae and yixing hyung fucking?

yeol: I didnt want 2 do yixing hyung dirty like that but I mean I guess

jongdae: ah waaeee????

jongdae: why r u coming after only me??

baekhyunee: bc u a hoe

galaxy_fanfan: use protection kids

 

[2:34 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: oh my god why are you doing that

xingxing: doesn't feel good does it?

galaxy_fanfan: well I mean I don't mind

xingxing: *gasp*

xingxing: im telling junmyeon

galaxy_fanfan: no

xingxing: ur not convincing

xingxing: but seriously, stop sexting people while we're in the same room

galaxy_fanfan: this is my house too

xingxing: the living room is PUBLIC space

 

[7:41 p.m.]

Luhannie: why are your clothes all over the couch?

Junmyeonie: oh I didn't think you would come

Luhannie: I live hear

Luhannie: here*

Junmyeonie: yeah but ure never here so I just assumed u moved out.

Luhannie: wtf??

Luhannie: you don't think I would have informed you if I moved out?

Junmyeonie: can't talk, busy

Junmyeonie: ask minseok if u can sit on his couch

Luhannie: what the fuck

Luhannie: ?

 

[8:21 p.m.]

baekhyunee: help I need an adult

baekhyunee: chanyeol just ate a bowl of bad ramen and now he's puking all over the place

Do Kyungsoo: Baekhyun you are an adult

baekhyunee: no I need someone adulter

Do Kyungsoo: im coming over

Do Kyungsoo: i hate you

jongdae: how do you get bad ramen?

jongdae: are you sure it wasn't something else?

baekhyunee: well he also ate the old cheese in the fridge

Do Kyungsoo: Why do you guys keep feeding him expired dairy he's lactose intolerant

yehet: lmao

jongdae: it's baekhyun’s fault

baekhyunee: wow where's the loyalty here?

jongdae: he keeps buying cheese but he never eats it

baekhyunee: they're right next to the sausages and I feel bad if I take 4 boxes of sausages and nothing from the cheese rack

 

[8:48 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: oh yeah we definitely need an adult for this

jongdae: by “everywhere”

jongdae: why did you only mean MY BATHROOM?

baekhyunee: anyone there?

minseok: [resigned face]

minseok: I guess I'm coming

jongdae: thanks hyung

jongdae: can you also bring a phone number to a funeral home, im going to kill chanyeol

minseok: [thumbs up]

 

[9:21 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: I AM MADE OF 90% ALCOHOL AND 10% MISTAKES

yehet: oh boy

yehet: is junmyeon hyung drunk again?

Luhannie: thursday night is usually when he goes the hardest

Junmyeonie: U DONT KNOW ME

Junmyeonie: YOU DNOY KNO ME

Junmyeonie: SO SHUT UO BOY

Junmyeonie: SHUT UP BOY

yehet: im muting this conversation

Kungfu panda tao: come on guys

Kungfu panda tao: we should be more supportive of junmyeon hyung and his alcohol problem

Kungfu panda tao: that's why I'm going to start a fund

yeol: for the june moon disease?

baekhyunee: symptoms include bad jokes, church oppa hair, inexplicable ability to do the splits (ok I admit I'm actually impressed by this one)

jongdae: call 1111111 to donate to this terrible affliction now

yeol: in the arms of an angel…..

Kungfu panda tao: all proceeds go to me

yehet: isn't this supposed to be for a good cause?

Kungfu panda tao: I’M a good cause

yehet: lmao he's broke bc he ‘doesn't understand Korean money’ note the absurdity here

yehet: it works the same way Chinese money does, u don't spend it on a Gucci haul two days before you have to pay ur book fees

galaxy_fanfan: zitao :/

galaxy_fanfan: >:/**

galaxy_fanfan: what have I taught you about budgeting

Kungfu panda tao: I know dad…

xingxing: if you need money, why don't you get a job?

Kungfu panda tao: that's a great idea, yixing ge!

Kungfu panda tao: kyungsoo hyung, does your restaurant need any new workers??

Do Kyungsoo: I can ask for you

Kungfu panda tao: yayy!!

Kungfu panda tao: from this day on, I am an independent woman who don't need no man!!

baekhyunee: (should i…)

jongdae: (let him have his moment)

galaxy_fanfan: what about sehun?

yehet: he still want that man tho

Kungfu panda tao: ;)))

Luhannie: ewwwwwwww

yehet: like you can talk

yehet: don't think I didn't see where you hands were wandering today during lunch

minseok: okay this conversation is done

minseok: baekhyun and jongdae, stop lurking around the group chat and clean the bathroom

xingxing: how's chanyeol?

Do Kyungsoo: he's fine now and resting

xingxing: feel better chanyeol ah!!!

 

[12:33 a.m.]

yeol: soo

yeol: soo

yeol: listen to this

_yeol sent a voice recording._

yeol: sounds sick right?

Do Kyungsoo: great to see youre up and about annoying me again.

Do Kyungsoo: note the sarcasm there

yeol: do u think I should add more synth?

Do Kyungsoo: no keep going with the guitars

yeol: youre absolutely right!!!!

yeol: wow I knew u would b the best person 2 go 2 4 this

Do Kyungsoo: whatever, let me study now.

yeol: <3<3<3

 

[12:57 a.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: you sure ure alright?

yeol: [one hundred x2]

Do Kyungsoo: good.

 

[1:08 p.m.]

Kim Kai: so um. guys?

baekhyunee: what is it jonginnie?

Kim Kai: apparently someone voted me the mayor of a small town in pyeongchang

Junmyeonie: lmao what??

_Kim Kai sent a picture._

minseok: you should check if it’s legit

Kim Kai: i did

Kim Kai: well, my parents did

Kim Kai: apparently it is?

Kim Kai: i get paid a portion of the town’s taxes?

Kim Kai: like a very small portion bc the council runs everything but

baekhyunee: wow r u srs

baekhyunee: if this is an elaborate prank

baekhyunee: im going to both hate you and be super impressed

jongdae: how???

_Kim Kai sent a picture._

Kim Kai: what my lawyer said

minseok: man

minseok: I gotta get into politics

minseok: I might have no qualifications but when has that truly stopped people from coming into power?

yeol: i support u, minseok hyung!!!

Junmyeonie: let me run as your vice anything

yehet: i call online strategy

Luhannie: Minnie, you know I’ll be there with you every step of the way

baekhyunee: we might as well just crown him king rn

Do Kyungsoo: minseok hyung would 100% be a better king than this current government

galaxy_fanfan: who can resist that face?

jongdae: and those arms?

xingxing: and that butt?

minseok: yikes

minseok: if any national intelligence agents are listening in rn we’re not actually going to overthrow the government please don’t come arrest us

Kungfu panda tao: why not? let’s overthrow the government

Kim Kai: sounds like a regular saturday for us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anything about the South Korean government but in my experience, all governments are pretty shitty wherever you go so...


	15. junmyeon is addicted to bad jokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [8:34 a.m.]  
> Junmyeonie: good morning kids!  
> Junmyeonie: what did the buffalo say when his son went off to college?

[1:12 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: zitao

Do Kyungsoo: the manager wants you to come in for an interview on friday.

Kungfu panda tao: omg really? thats great!!! do I need to prepare anything?

Do Kyungsoo: no

Do Kyungsoo: just come.

Kungfu panda tao: thanks kyungsoo hyung!!!!

galaxy_fanfan: kid...im proud of you

galaxy_fanfan: already entering into the workforce, becoming a responsible young man,

galaxy_fanfan: my only regret is not cherishing those moments we had when you were still young and idolized me

Kungfu panda tao: u mean the two months since we met?

galaxy_fanfan: shhh, say no more

galaxy_fanfan: just remember me as your loving father when you're out there, alone in the world

Kungfu panda tao: I have kyungsoo hyung

galaxy_fanfan: and don't forget to call your mother

Kungfu panda tao: junmyeon hyung?

galaxy_fanfan: that's right

minseok: oh my god stfu

minseok: you're so extra holy shit

Kim Kai: dont u do the exact same thing w/ sehun, minseok hyung?

minseok: [check] Seen 1:46 PM

 

[9:26 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: Jongin where are you?

Kim Kai: o shit

Kim Kai: did we have plans?

Do Kyungsoo: yes?

Do Kyungsoo: movie night at the dorms

Do Kyungsoo: did you fall asleep again?

Kim Kai: no lmao

Kim Kai: sorry hyung, im in pyeongchang

yehet: what even?

yehet: get your ass back

Kim Kai: yeah I was at my inauguration ceremony

Kim Kai: im at the after party now

yehet: wtf

Kim Kai: it's nice here

Kim Kai: im already friends w/ all 362 of the residents

yehet: damn get here tho

Kungfu panda tao: Hurry up!!!

 

[10:13 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: HAHAHAHA

Kungfu panda tao: you will NOT believe was just happend!

jongdae: spill

Kungfu panda tao: sehun just got rejected by two girls in a row it was hilarious!!!!

Kim Kai: um

Kim Kai: arent u 2 dating?

Kungfu panda tao: listen to my story

Kungfu panda tao: we went to get frozen yogurt bc we decided to wait until you got here for the movie

Do Kyungsoo: I didn't want to go

yehet: no one asked

yehet: and zitao don't exaggerate, I was completely cool and collected

Do Kyungsoo: you threatened to sue the second one after she threw her drink in your face

Kim Kai: lmao

yehet: muscle spasm

Kungfu panda tao: of your mouth? [crying laughing face x3]

yehet: the tongue is a muscle

baekhyunee: Pleeeease tell me someone took a video of this

Do Kyungsoo: ofc 

baekhyunee: soo I knew I could count on you

Do Kyungsoo: for 200 thousand won

baekhyunee: dang

Kungfu panda tao: I’ll buy it!!!

yehet: huang zitao I will destroy you

Kungfu panda tao: worth it

 

[8:34 a.m.]

Junmyeonie: good morning kids!

Junmyeonie: what did the buffalo say when his son went off to college?

Kungfu panda tao: huh?

Junmyeonie: bison!!!!

Junmyeonie: [crying laughing face x6]

Kungfu panda tao: anyone else confused to whats happening right now?

xingxing: oh no..

Luhannie: he's starting again

minseok: I’m surprised he held off for this long

Kungfu panda tao: whta is happen?

galaxy_fanfan: junmyeon is addicted to bad jokes. really bad jokes.

Junmyeonie: my jokes are hilarious

Luhannie: [annoyed face]

 

[12:28 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: oh this is a good one!

Kim Kai: no hyung

Junmyeonie: A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.

Junmyeonie: guess what he replied!

yeol: noooo

Junmyeonie: ‘No. I’m the chip monk!’

_ Do Kyungsoo has left the chat. _

_ yeol added Do Kyungsoo. _

Do Kyungsoo: wtf chanyeol

yeol: sorry, it's just habit at this point

_ yeol has left the chat. _

 

[2:15 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind…

yehet: why didn't you? 

xingxing: get the brain transplant

 

[5:40 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: what do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married?

Junmyeonie: cant elope

minseok: lu han give me the keys to your house

Luhannie: babe I'll come with you

 

[9:58 p.m.]

baekhyunee: thank god

baekhyunee: it's finally, blissfully silent

Do Kyungsoo: until you came along

_ baekhyunee added yeol. _

baekhyunee: yeol it's safe now

yeol: oh thank god

Junmyeonie: jeez..

Junmyeonie: one fifth of ppl are just too tense!

jongdae: ugghhhh

_ yehet and ten others have left the chat. _

 

[2:21 p.m.]

_ Luhannie sent a picture. _

minseok: yo what did I tell you about sending that kermit lamp

Luhannie: oh shit

Luhannie: that always shows up when I'm trying to send you sexy pics im sorry..

minseok: what did I say about sexting me at work tho

Luhannie: keep doing it?

minseok: lu han

Luhannie: sorry, I won't do it again!!

 

[2:29 p.m.]

minseok: so...u sending that pic or what?

Luhannie: [pink arrowed heart x4]

_ Luhannie sent a picture. _

Luhannie: with my love

 

[3:51 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: minseok I’m worried about yixing

minseok: what is it this time?

galaxy_fanfan: I found bullet shells in the stuffing of his bunnies

galaxy_fanfan: there was like an entire collection of them

minseok: what were you doing opening up his rabbits?

galaxy_fanfan: that’s not important

galaxy_fanfan: why would he have bullet shells minseok?

minseok: idk, some people collect stamps, some collect bullet shells

minseok: i don’t think we should judge the interests of our friend, yifan

galaxy_fanfan: okay but am I the only one legitimately concerned about this?

minseok: are you?

galaxy_fanfan: well probably, youre the only one ive told so far

minseok: talk to lu han, I don’t have time for this

galaxy_fanfan: but lu han is yixing’s best friend there’s no way hed sell yixing out

galaxy_fanfan: they might even be in league with each other

galaxy_fanfan: im sorry to break it to you like this, minseok

galaxy_fanfan: but I warned you when you first started dating lu han

galaxy_fanfan: (((he’s not all that he seems to be)))

minseok: go to sleep yifan

minseok: stop drinking six cans of monster every night at 4am and do your homework at an acceptable time like the rest of us

galaxy_fanfan: this must be hard for you to digest minseok

galaxy_fanfan: since, you know, affection blinds all of us

galaxy_fanfan: but i promise

galaxy_fanfan: layhan are not who they say they are


	16. kyungsoo has a problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [7:25 p.m.]  
> Luhannie: MINSEOK AND I GOT AN A ON THE CIVICS PROJECT!!!!  
> jongdae: no one cares  
> Luhannie: dream team<3

[1:43 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: ho 

xingxing: who?

xingxing: that can be anywhere from 1 to 12 people in this chat

Kungfu panda tao: damn, savage

Do Kyungsoo: seok from drama lost his textbooks and now he keeps breaking into our room to use mine

Do Kyungsoo: sorry I accidentally hit send before i typed out the rest of the message.

yeol: is he making problems??

Do Kyungsoo: no but now he's under the impression that we're friends and I do not agree with that.

xingxing: the only solution for this type of situation

xingxing: is to murder him

Luhannie: no, yixing

xingxing: what is he going to do lu han, tell him directly? not possible

baekhyunee: i know, u can hire a chainsaw murderer and have him “conveniently” come in while hoseok is there and have him warn him that if he ever got friendly with do kyungsoo again, the ghosts of past russian presidents would come haunt him

minseok: that is strangely detailed yet strangely plausible. Although I'm not sure russia has had presidents for that long

xingxing: sounds good!!

Luhannie: no, don't hire a chainsaw murderer oh my god

xingxing: ur right, lu han will do it for free!

Luhannie: no

Luhannie: stop whoring me out yixing

Luhannie: kyungsoo can take care of it himself

baekhyunee: I know some good costume shops

Kim Kai: do u want to hide in my village for a while?

Kim Kai: my villagers will never btray u

yeol: no no the only solution is leave the country

yeol: I'll go with u kyungsoo

galaxy_fanfan: I gotchu fam

galaxy_fanfan: do you guys want to be citizens of the republic of mexico or congo?

Junmyeonie: you don't have to leave the country smh

Junmyeonie: y are all of you so extra?

jongdae: are you srs

Junmyeonie: oh who am I kidding

yehet: nobody

Junmyeonie: make his mother fall in love with you and divorce his father. And then run off with the father

yehet: good idea hyung, his family will be such a mess that he will h ave to leave school for sure

jongdae: I think baekhyuns plan is more plausible

Kim Kai: no myne is the simplest!

minseok: why did you spell “mine” with y

Kim Kai: lu han hyung spells ur nickname luke “mine” sometymes

Kim Kai: lyke***

minseok: stop that!

Kungfu panda tao: I don't understand

Luhannie: dw about it, jongin is just bad at sppelling

Kungfu panda tao: no why can't kyungsoo hyung just tell him to not use his textbooks anymore

baekhyunee: who's using kyungsoo’s textbooks?

Do Kyungsoo: hoseok from drama

xingxing: who’s that?

Kungfu panda tao: the cause of this problem?

galaxy_fanfan: I thought the probelem was kyungsoo needed to hide from the Korean fbi

yeol: no the problem is hoseok from drama won't stop leaving kyungsoo alone

Do Kyungsoo: no that's not it. hoseok just thinks we're friends and we're not.

yehet: I thought the problem was that jongin was a bad speller and needed to hide from minseok hyung

minseok: you were trying to break up my parents?!

Junmyeonie: no that plan was for chanyeol

Junmyeonie: I thought he wanted for un away with kyungsoo but soo’s parents wanted him to stay in school

Luhannie: that's a horrible plan

Junmyeonie: you're a horrible speller

minseok: lu han doesn't even know what the plan is

Luhannie: ure right, fuck you junmyeon

Junmyeonie: what did I do!

Luhannie: you tried to break up minseok's parents!!

Junmyeonie: no I didnt, sehun did!!!

yehet: wtf no?? Y r u dragging me into this im just a child?

Kungfu panda tao: WAIT holy shit

Kungfu panda tao: kyungsoo hyung please explain from the beginning

Do Kyungsoo: i’m going with baekhyun’s plan.

 

[7:25 p.m.]

Luhannie: MINSEOK AND I GOT AN A ON THE CIVICS PROJECT!!!!

jongdae: no one cares

Luhannie: dream team<3

minseok: hell yeah

baekhyunee: does it matter? my counselor told me that because I dropped choir in the middle of the semester, those credits don't count!

jongdae: don't you get something from being on the football team?

baekhyunee: I want to quit :((

yeol: omg why??

baekhyunee: to be honest

baekhyunee: the only reason I decided to join the football team 

baekhyunee: was to get closer to my real dream:

baekhyunee: becoming a cheerleader

Luhannie: jesus christ 

yeol: whooooooaa

jongdae: I JUST SPAT BLOOD

Junmyeonie: are you serious?

baekhyunee: yeah

yeol: well okay, follow your dreams baekhyunnie!!!!

baekhyunee: I can't we don't have a cheerleading club on campus

baekhyunee: also I have no technical skill, so there's that

minseok: I know

minseok: you should take up martial arts again

minseok: I’m the club president

galaxy_fanfan: wait what?

galaxy_fanfan: why didn't any of us know about this before?

Luhannie: I can't believe you would keep that from me

minseok: sorry it just didn't come up

Luhannie: kim minseok I could have had an actual physical representation of you being a badass

Luhannie: I lov e my imagination but

Luhannie: come to the bedroom

minseok: lu han

yehet: ewwwwww

minseok: i’m hungry we can do this after dinner

Luhannie: no

 

[7:53 p.m.]

xingxing: we haven't heard from them, they're doing it

Kim Kai: ewwwwwwwww

galaxy_fanfan: sex is a natural part of being in love jongin-ah

yehet: you would know if you weren't a virgin

yeol: :000000

Kim Kai: so does that mean u and junmyeon hyung in love, yifan hyung?

galaxy_fanfan: I did not say that

xingxing: whipped

galaxy_fanfan: wtf hiding

xingxing: I didn't say anything!! ^-^

baekhyunee: omg look at yixing hyung he's so cute!!!

baekhyunee: jongdae u better treat him right

jongdae: shouldn't you be asking him to treat me right?

baekhyunee: well, you're not cute so…

jongdae: fuck you

baekhyunee: :p


	17. sehun exposes everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yehet: u forget  
> yehet: if I go down I bring you all down with me fuckers

[8:45 a.m.]

xingxing: you know yifan, you can just let junmyeon borrow some clothes instead of hiding him naked in your closet to keep him warm

xingxing: junmyeon-ah, you really wouldn't have had this problem if you just wore your own clothes in the first place

Luhannie: omg hahahah

jongdae: what's going on?

galaxy_fanfan: yIXInG stop texting the group chat!!!

xingxing: well you locked me out of your room so how else am I supposed to speak to you?

Junmyeonie: I

Junmyeonie: WAS

Junmyeonie: wearing my own clothes at first

xingxing: then what were you doing naked in yifan’s closet?

yehet: oh em gee

Luhannie: HAHSHSHAHAHHAJAA

galaxy_fanfan: yixing can you just

galaxy_fanfan: find lu han and get him to watch powerpuff girls with you or something

galaxy_fanfan: my life is a mess

baekhyunee: lmao

jongdae: sux [crying laughing face x3]

 

[9:20 a.m.]

yeol: AYYO WASSUP MY HOMIES

yehet: what the fuck is wrong with him

Do Kyungsoo: are you sure you're ready for the long list that's about to follow?

yeol: howz it BURNing!!!!!

yehet: dad I'm scared

galaxy_fanfan: me too son

minseok: it's okay if you ignore the crazy man he won't bother you

minseok: wait what

minseok: yifan?

galaxy_fanfan: I am all of your dads

galaxy_fanfan: even you, minseok

yehet: so ur

yehet: grandpa?

galaxy_fanfan: no im your dad

yehet: minseok hyung is my dad

yehet: I can't have three dads

yehet: oh wait, I guess I'm getting rid of lu han hyung

galaxy_fanfan: lmao do it

Luhannie: [middle finger]

Luhannie: I always liked jongin more anyway

yeol: DAB BOY DAB BOY DAB BOY

Do Kyungsoo: BYUN BAEKHYUN COLLECT HIM

baekhyunee: I CNAT GET HISM TO STOP DABJGN

baekhyunee: DID U THINK I WANTE DTHIS, KYUGNSOO?????

baekhyunee: I HAVEBT SLEPT IN TWO DAYS

xingxing: oh no why? :((

baekhyunee: HE KEEPS SHOWING UP IN MY ROOM AT 2AM PLAYING FUCKING GUITAR AND DABBING

baekhyunee: JONGDAE BUILT A BARBED WORE FENSE IN FRONT OF HIS ROOM SO H ECAN ONLU COME HERE

Do Kyungsoo: I KNOW FUCK

Do Kyungsoo: HE KEEPS SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR

Do Kyungsoo: BAEKHYUN PLE ASE

baekhyunee: I CANT KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP KYUNGSOO WE MADE A BFF CODE

baekhyunee: IT SPECIFICALLY SAYS WE CANT DO THAT

Do Kyungsoo: GODAMMJT BAEKHYUN I HAVE A CAT NOW

Do Kyungsoo: DO YOU KNOW WHATS AT STAKE?????

Luhannie: you have a cat?

galaxy_fanfan: seriously that's what you focus on?

galaxy_fanfan: there are people being tortured here

Luhannie: yeah but

Luhannie: I could maybe

Luhannie: look after him while kyungsoo kills chanyeol?

Luhannie: just a suggestion

Luhannie: I've always wanted a cat

Do Kyungsoo: it's a her and yeah if you want

Luhannie: hell yeah

minseok: um 

Kim Kai: wait chanyeol hyung are you just okay with your friends plotting your deaths here?

yeol: lmao I dont mind

yeol: it’s not it's the first time that it's happened to me

Do Kyungsoo: I can't stand you

yeol: love you too, soo [kissy face]

 

[7:29 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: babe we on for tonight?

yehet: yeah where are you taking me

Kungfu panda tao: sushi bar on 47th?

yehet: isn't that kind of expensive?

Kungfu panda tao: yeah but I'm making serious bank now

yehet: you work part time at a service job where you periodically dress up as a penguin

Kungfu panda tao: I have that $$$$$$$$ tho

Kungfu panda tao: like really really

yehet: zitao

Kungfu panda tao: okay but I just want to treat you once

Kungfu panda tao: please?

Kungfu panda tao: you're like

Kungfu panda tao: so pretty and handsome and talented and you dance really well and you deserve it???

yehet: tao I don't need expensive food to enjoy life and all that shit

yehet: and you don't need to spend money to impress me

yehet: just come over and we'll make potstickers and force jongin to spend the night at kyungsoo hyung’s again

Kungfu panda tao: you sure?

yehet: I happen to like staying in ;) ;) ;)

Kungfu panda tao: okay!!!!!

Kungfu panda tao: staying in it is

 

[2:35 p.m.]

minseok: sehun point your phone elsewhere and focus on your work during class please

jongdae: busted LOLOL

yehet: but hyung

yehet: im just using my phone to look up stuff during class

yehet: I am a Good Student

minseok: bullshit

minseok: i’ve seen your camera roll

yehet: oh shit

Kim Kai: LMAO rip sehun it was nice knowing u

baekhyunee: HAHAHA

yehet: u forget

yehet: if I go down I bring you all down with me fuckers

yehet: I ahve receipts

minseok: just pay attention during class sehun

yehet: no minseok hyung

yehet: I accept my punishment

yehet: as long as everybody else is punished along iwth me

Kim Kai: why r u leik this

Kim Kai: i thot we were friends

yehet: yet you were the first to betray me

minseok: sehun I swear to god

minseok: professor ahn is starting to lecture

yehet: if youve seen my camera roll does this mean you know about jongdae hyung’s gym pics?

jongdae: what the fuck

jongdae: I mean what gym pics

 

[2:46 p.m.]

jongdae: I will toast your ass

yehet: :P

jongdae: 425 degrees, 30 minutes

 

[2:47 p.m.]

yehet: also

minseok: I get it sehun can you just PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE NOW

Do Kyungsoo: sehun literally SHUT UP

yehet: okay but can I just say one more thing?

minseok: will you actually pay attention to your lecture afterwards?

yehet: promise

minseok: ok go

yehet: lu han hyung’s paying me for these pics

galaxy_fanfan: yoooooo

galaxy_fanfan: im pretty sure you just broke like, 5 rules of the bro code

Kungfu panda tao: no one uses the bro code except you and lu han, yifan ge

xingxing: yikes when lu han gets here

minseok: yikes

minseok: we might have to talk

xingxing: oooh

baekhyunee: ooooooohhh

yeol: yoooo

 

[3:12 p.m.]

Luhannie: DUDE KYUNGSOO YOUR CAT IS THE CUTEST THING EVER

Luhannie: CAN WE KEEP HIM LONGER??

minseok: like hell we are

galaxy_fanfan: oh shit

Junmyeonie: it’s really happening oh man.

Luhannie: what’s happening?

xingxing: scroll up


	18. junmyeon is a detective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [8:25 p.m.]  
> Luhannie: hey so about leaving the country

[6:30 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: ok who the fuck did it

yeol: did what?

Junmyeonie: someone replaced all the pictures of the junior representatives with pictures of squidward

Kim Kai: lmao what?

Junmyeonie: I know it was one of you three

Jongdae: um rude?

baekhyunee: do you even have reason to suspect us

Junmyeonie: I've been watching you three trade squidward memes for WEEKS

baekhyunee: okay so you do

yeol: yeah but so?

Kungfu panda tao: yeah noah fence junmyeon hyung but most of the junior class try to emulate baekhyun chanyeol and jongdae hyungs anyways

Junmyeonie: really?? why

Kim Kai: bc their funny

Junmyeonie: bullshit I'm the funniest here

Kim Kai: uh huh

Kungfu panda tao: mmmm

Junmyeonie: I should have aborted all of you

yehet: ure not our real mother

Junmyeonie: you're adopted

 

[8:25 p.m.]

Luhannie: hey so about leaving the country

Kungfu panda tao: nooo lu han hyung you can get through this!

yehet: you have a life outside of minseok hyung, remember that

Kungfu panda tao: we’ll support you through everything!!!

yehet: nah

Kim Kai: zitao will support u thru everytjing!!!

galaxy_fanfan: if lu han’s decision is to make a new life in another country, without minseok

galaxy_fanfan: we'll support him too

Junmyeonie: yeah hyung

Junmyeonie: we haven't always gotten along

Junmyeonie: but let's just say I am honored to have been your roommate

Junmyeonie: now please leave quickly

Luhannie: im not leaving the country wtf

galaxy_fanfan: then why'd you ask

galaxy_fanfan: I've been waiting for one of you to leave for years

galaxy_fanfan: what else am I going to do with my Mexican passports???

Luhannie: im asking for a friend

Junmyeonie: oh a “friend”

Junmyeonie: okay lu han hyung

Junmyeonie: whatever saves your pride

Luhannie: no jesus christ

Luhannie: minhyuk wants to do a foreign exchange program in france and asked me to ask for him

Luhannie: since we have a bunch of people experienced in quick getaways in this group for some reason

Luhannie: minseok and I are fine

baekhyunee: wait what?

Kim Kai: ???

yeol: why did you come to our party alone last night then?

Luhannie: he has a canned food drive thing this morning and didn't want to go

Luhannie: why do you guys assume we have to be attached at the hip?

yeol: because u r???

Kungfu panda tao: lu han ge’s being suspiciously calm about this separation tho [magnifying glass x4]

Luhannie: im calm????

Luhannie: smh you all think so lowly of me

Junmyeonie: hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

[7:57 a.m.]

Luhannie: minseok left for his fundraising thing :(((

Luhannie: im so cold

Luhannie: I can't believe he left me alone to fend for myself in this cold dark world

Luhannie: doesn't he love me??

Luhannie: he didn't even have time to make me coffee >:((

Luhannie: xinggggggg

Luhannie: let's run away together and leave minseok and your screaming dinosaur behind

 

[9:33 a.m.]

xingxing: how do I leave a two person conversation

xingxing: moreover how do I delete my brain so I don't ever have to remember this shit randomly when I'm peacefully having a Sunday morning poop or shopping for my generic brand cereal or crossing an intersection

 

[12:56 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: okay whoever the fuck is doing it stop

jongdae: what is it now?

Junmyeonie: the pictures keep getting replaced

yeol: wasnt us

Junmyeonie: fine! was you kyungsoo?

Do Kyungsoo: what the hell

Junmyeonie: I know those junior reps were the judges that gave you third place in the baking competition last year

baekhyunee: don't drag kyungsoo into this!!!

Junmyeonie: well I checked the printers in the library and someone printed those squidward memes using chanyeol’s ID card, so it can only be someone in this group!!!

jongdae: chanyeol who did you give your id card to?

yeol: minseok hyung

Junmyeonie: minseok hyung????

yeol: like a week ago tho

minseok: wasnt me

Junmyeonie: of course it wasn’t, it was probably kyungsoo

jongdae: maybe it’s you, junmyeon hyung why are you being so defensive??

Junmyeonie: why would I put the pictures up, I’m the one working on this case!!

yeol: ure right jongdae, he does seem suspicious…

Junmyeonie: I didn’t put up the pictures!!!

baekhyunee: you know who’s been too quiet lately? Jongin

Kim Kai: y would I do it?

Do Kyungsoo: no he didn’t do it, yifan hyung did

galaxy_fanfan: excuse me???

xingxing: guys let’s stop blaming each other…

Luhannie: yixing!!

Luhannie: it’s totally you

xingxing: what?

Luhannie: yifan has been saying youre not who you say you are for a while now…

minseok: that’s right

minseok: and who would know better than your roommate??

Do Kyungsoo: no that’s precisely why yifan hyung is suspect

Do Kyungsoo: he’s been going on about yixing hyung for a while now, trying to cast off suspicion…

Kungfu panda tao: yeah I would believe yifan ge did it over xing ge any day

galaxy_fanfan: me????

galaxy_fanfan: yeah right

galaxy_fanfan: why are you pointing fingers, kyungsoo?? seems suspicious…

minseok: but zitao was also pointing fingers

galaxy_fanfan: the culprit is huang zitao!!!

Kungfu panda tao: no way!!!!

jongdae: hang on

jongdae: it might actually be baekhyun

jongdae: chanyeol has more than one id because he lost it once and replaced it before he found it again

jongdae: baekhyun has the extra

Junmyeonie: byun baekhyun!!

Junmyeonie: I should’ve known.

baekhyunee: no wait

baekhyunee: I gave chanyeol that id because minseok hyung borrowed his

galaxy_fanfan: park chanyeol!!

yeol: it wasnt me tho!!!

yeol: the culprit is never the one whos name is associated with the crime!!!!

Junmyeonie: youre right.

Junmyeonie: then who did this??

 

[2:14 p.m.]

yehet: muahahahahhhhh

yehet: do you want me to replace the pictures again tomorrow, minseok hyung?

minseok: yeah lmao

minseok: I think we can keep it up for one more day

Luhannie: be careful though, they’ll be much more alert this time around

yehet: yeah

yehet: but no one suspects this handsome face

minseok: I knew sehun’s sneaky ways will get us something

minseok: and it turns out

minseok: lu han can be sneaky too, even if he’s painfully unsubtle with most things

Luhannie: hey!

Luhannie: I am the mastermind behind this operation

minseok: really

Luhannie: okay, second mastermind

yehet: the junior reps are a mess right now

yehet: I heard they can’t say anything during council meetings because everyone keeps laughing every time one of them speaks up

minseok: good lmao

minseok: that’s what happens when they say shit about junmyeon

Luhannie: talk shit, get hit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao y'all thought 
> 
> ((but in all seriousness the xiuhan breakup won't be coming for another few months, and I already have parts of it planned, so...take that as you will))


	19. minseok has a work crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [5:27 p.m.]  
> minseok: YOO SEUNGHO SUNBAENIM GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AND ASKED ME TO CALL/TEXT IM HOLLERING

[3:39 p.m.]

baekhyunee: ay yo can one of u come to the 4th floor restroom of the f building third stall and bring me and chan food

Kungfu panda tao: …

Kungfu panda tao: who's going to ask

Kungfu panda tao: I guess it's me then

Kim Kai: y do u need some1 to bring u food in the restroom??

Kungfu panda tao: yah I was going to ask

Kim Kai: :p

Junmyeonie: children

yeol: weve been hiding in here for 2 hours pls come

Kungfu panda tao: y

baekhyunee: well, there was a craft beer exhibition

yeol: and we didnt kno it was hosted by seojun

baekhyunee: aka 2nd soprano aka 4th year soloist aka most demanding person in the universe

jongdae: omg i told you not to go!!

baekhyunee: u didn't tell me seojun would be there!!!

jongdae: I was going to but you kept asking me to, quote “send u minseok hyung’s gym pics before he wreaks armageddon on our asses”

yeol: they were desperate times

baekhyunee: yah i am done with this conversation

yeol: yeah!

yeol: so u still going to bring us food or nah?

_ Seen by jongdae and 9 others. _

 

[5:27 p.m.]

minseok: YOO SEUNGHO SUNBAENIM GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AND ASKED ME TO CALL/TEXT IM HOLLERING

Luhannie: Who???!!?

xingxing: haha someone's excited ^-^

baekhyunee: I've never seen minseok hyung this excited outside of a dbsk concert lmao

minseok: he's the sunbae from work that I told you about, luhannie

Luhannie: I don't recall

minseok: I must have mentioned him once or twice

jongdae: oh mr kang’s nephew who manages relations between hj and kang?

jongdae: he is pretty scream-worthy

Luhannie: scream worthy

baekhyunee: so what ur saying is

baekhyunee: he's a chaebol who's interested in giving minseok hyung his number

xingxing: yikes

Luhannie: who is he

minseok: don't be ridiculous, he's just a work sunbae 

jongdae: [eyes] why do you always call him sunbaenim even though he's younger?

jongdae: why don't you call me sunbaenim

minseok: why the fuck would I do that

jongdae: um i started working at hj on september 28 2015 at 9:37 am but you started november 8 2015 at 3:20 pm so I am your sunbae

yehet: s t a l k e r

minseok: u're so weird

minseok: seungho is a sunbae bc he's mentoring me. Who tf calls their coworkers sunbae

Luhannie: okay but back to my question

Luhannie: w h o  i s  h e ?

_ xingxing sent a picture. _

baekhyunee: daaaaaamn

minseok: where did you get this omg

xingxing: he's on google

yehet: he has fansites lmaoo

Junmyeonie: yifan get on here lu han hyung’s about to lose his shit

Luhannie: I am

Luhannie: not

yeol: suddenly im online

Kungfu panda tao: I heard there was drama, im here

galaxy_fanfan: what were you, lu han? [ear x2]

Luhannie: I am chill

Luhannie: minseok can stab whoever he likes

Luhannie: stan*

Luhannie: actually

galaxy_fanfan: oooooo

Do Kyungsoo: Freudian slip

Kim Kai: y this guy tho?

Kim Kai: he's not that gr8

galaxy_fanfan: u right, jongin

baekhyunee: yeah, lmao he's rich, that's about it

baekhyunee: 10/10 would bang but u guys know my standards

jongdae: lower than sungjae’s jaw when you walked out of that choir room?

baekhyunee: pre cisely

yeol: he's like 5’9”? lololol

galaxy_fanfan: shorter than lu han

Luhannie: [ear x3]

yehet: both of them are shorter than me

yehet: js 

Do Kyungsoo: shut up sehun no one asked

yeol: LMAOO

Kim Kai: how does it feel 2 b the only 1 shorter than minseok hyung, hyung?

Do Kyungsoo: how does it feel to never have evolved from middle school typing?

minseok: [fire x3]

minseok: also kyungsoo is my favorite so you can all suck it

baekhyunee: pls let me

jongdae: shut up bbh holy shit ur embarrassing

Kungfu panda tao: um. U said I was ur favorite just yesterday???

_ xingxing sent a picture. _

xingxing: “yixing you're so cute you're like everyone's favorite”

xingxing: true words from minseok hyung

Luhannie: okay but who's dating him???

Luhannie: as I expected, silence

Junmyeonie: oh please, you gave everyone like 3 seconds to respond

minseok: everyone shut up for a sex

minseok: sec*

yeol: *snickering*

minseok: especially you

jongdae: what's up?

minseok: seungho sunbaenim just texted me back

Luhannie: you actually texted him???

minseok: yeah see ya I'm going out

Luhannie: wait

Luhannie: wtf

Luhannie: what's haopening 

minseok: I'll be back before dinner though, can you make it?

Luhannie: uhhhhh

minseok: alright thanks babe

minseok: byye [peace sign]

Kim Kai: lmao u guys should see sehun’s face rn

_ Kim Kai sent a picture. _

Kungfu panda tao: he's such a meme

yeol: jaw lower than bbh’s standards

galaxy_fanfan: someone send me lu han’s reaction tho

xingxing: you can come see for yourself

galaxy_fanfan: no thanks i love myself too much to subject myself to pain like that

Junmyeonie: Im coming

galaxy_fanfan: nooo junmyeon

galaxy_fanfan: you're all I have left

 

[8:36 p.m.]

minseok: I can't believe you dumbasses came and stalked our meeting

Do Kyungsoo: again? I thought they were chill these past few weeks

minseok: I meant sehun and lu han

Kim Kai: that's new

galaxy_fanfan: but not unexpected

Luhannie: that wasn't us

Luhannie: it was CLEARLY two mustachioed men, I told you babe

yehet: oh give it up lu han hyung

Junmyeonie: LMAO

jongdae: [crying laughing face x5]

yehet: for the record, we were just getting bubble tea, that's not a crime

minseok: lmao it's okay

minseok: I had fun making fun of you two with seungho sunbaeim

minseok: he called you the twin towers of meme [crying laughing face x2]

Junmyeonie: LMAOO TRUE

Kungfu panda tao: holy crap

Kungfu panda tao: that's brilliant I'm never letting that go

yehet: I can't believe I would betray me like this zitao

Kungfu panda tao: I'll make it up to you if you come rn ;) ;)

Do Kyungsoo: um no I live here

yehet: be right there

Do Kyungsoo: noooooo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao hey. sorry for disappearing for like a month but it's getting to that point where all my teachers go after me with projects and tests and etc. so updates might be slow from now until like the end of second semester lol. thanks for reading i love you all


	20. lu han watches parks and rec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luhannie: you know all the extra question mark stickers Junmyeon printed?

[9:18 p.m.]

Luhannie: so I was watching parks and rec

minseok: who let him

Luhannie: and it gave me a brilliant idea

minseok: babe don't do it

baekhyunee: wait what is it? I want to hear his idea

Do Kyungsoo: yeah me too. if baekhyun approves then we know it's a stupid idea.

Luhannie: you know all the extra question mark stickers Junmyeon printed?

galaxy_fanfan: I don't like where this is going…

Luhannie: we should put them on stop signs!

minseok: lu han i stg

galaxy_fanfan: oh I thought you were going to say after the “Coolest Guy Alive” slogan on the Kris Wu Fanclub promo signs, pls proceed

Junmyeonie: what in the world…?

Kungfu panda tao: hyung you dont what you got urself into with yifan ge

Junmyeonie: is this why you think you're cool?

minseok: im surprised you haven't seen his fanclub before junmyeon

Junmyeonie: I might have, but I think I developed unconscious suppression of all things related to it while we were only hooking up

yeol: while all this is going on am i the only 1 who's wondering what happened to lu han hyung?

minseok: oh shit

minseok: where is he yixing report!!!

xingxing: I distracted him with your middle school pictures, dw hyung

minseok: my what

baekhyunee: HIS WHAT?!!

baekhyunee: oH MAN

baekhyunee: yeollie are you thinking what I'm thinking

yeol: im always thinking what ur thinking

minseok: what

Do Kyungsoo: lu han hyung’s about to be ambushed

minseok: yixing why do you even have pictures of me from middle school??

minseok: this is so embarrassing omg

baekhyunee: we KNOW, hyung [crying laughing face x4]

Do Kyungsoo: baekhyun seriously don't go over there.

Do Kyungsoo: leave your stalking days behind you. I know you can get through this.

yeol: aw kyungsoo

yeol: will u support us thru this long hard road ahead of us?

Do Kyungsoo: chanyeol,

yeol: soo

Do Kyungsoo: what the fuck are we doing?

jongdae: jesus this gc is making even less sense than usual, and we're all actually sober this time

 

[12:06 p.m.]

minseok: hey bby

Luhannie: [blushing smiley face x2] what's up honey?

minseok: so chuseok is next week

minseok: I was wondering if you'd like to go home with me over break?

minseok: if you're not doing anything else

minseok: I know it's kind of quick but I want you to meet my family?? I'm sure they'll love you ofc, they've been trying to get me to bring home an s.o. for years

Luhannie: oh baby

Luhannie: I really want to! And I'm sure your family is lovely and 400% worth meeting 

minseok: but

Luhannie: but my parents want me in beijing over chuseok

minseok: oh

Luhannie: yeah

Luhannie: I mean im not going to be doing anything interesting anyways, just going to boring company functions and dinners with family friends with them

Luhannie: is much rather go home with you

Luhannie: but I've kind of been absent from the social scene since I came here to study

Luhannie: and my parents want to take every chance to show that we're still a happy family

minseok: yeah babe

minseok: of course, I understand

Luhannie: I'll take you out to dinner at that place that you like?

minseok: lu han seriously it's okay

Luhannie: oh okay

Luhannie: idk you just seem disappointed

minseok: haha maybe a little, but it's nbd

Luhannie: okay

Luhannie: I love you <3

minseok: <3

 

[6:48 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: jongin I need you to pick me up

Kim Kai: now? y hyung?

Do Kyungsoo: yeah, my lecture ran late so my ride left without me, but lions and men performs at 7:10 and I have to be there.

Kim Kai: I don't have a car tho.

Do Kyungsoo: steal zitao’s, but don't tell him why.

Kim Kai: ???

Kim Kai: zitaos at work rn so he wont b back until 7

Do Kyungsoo: shit.

Kim Kai: lol dw, its just the hyungs, theyll understand if ur late

Do Kyungsoo: listen jongin.

Do Kyungsoo: if I miss the performance again, someone will be very disappointed and sad.

Kim Kai: who, chanyeol hyung?

Kim Kai: y do u care?

Kim Kai: sehun just told me that im v stupid bc any blind person can c that u and chanyeol have a thing

Do Kyungsoo: so you see why you can't tell anyone about this right? sehun can't either.

Kim Kai: wait I dont understand

Kim Kai: y do u act like hes a nuisance then?

 

[6:54 p.m.]

yehet: bc kyungsoo hyung’s into that

Kim Kai: u made a new gc for this?

yehet: I want to be part of the conversation too okay

Do Kyungsoo: oh my god I can't stand you both.

yehet: which translates to “I love you, my dongsaengs, but you guys are embarrassing me right now. I still would very much like for you to help me make the love of my life happy”

Kim Kai: jesus christ 

yehet: im an expert in kyungsoolish

Do Kyungsoo: if either one of you anything else unhelpful I'm blocking you.

Kim Kai: hyung, zitaos back

Do Kyungsoo: hurry!!! I'm at the science block

yehet: [okay sign]

 

[7:34 a.m.]

Luhannie: good morning babe!! [red heart x2]

minseok: I've been up for an hour already

Luhannie: I know, I just didn't get a chance to talk to you before you left this morning

minseok: okay

Luhannie: okay?

minseok: yeah

Luhannie: nothing else?

minseok: what else do you want? 

Luhannie: you sure you're okay with me going home for chuseok?

minseok: well

minseok: there's one thing

minseok: but I'll talk to you after I ask jongdae his opinion first

Luhannie: minseok come on

Luhannie: you haven't spoken to me since last night I'm sweating here

minseok: fine

minseok: so I was talking with yixing

minseok: and he kind of let it slip that your parents don't really approve of me

minseok: and that they'll probably try to introduce another girl to you once you go back

Luhannie: oh

Luhannie: I mean

Luhannie: this doesn't really change anything about us, does it? My parents will be my parents and I thought you'd know that whatever they try to do to get between us, it won't work

minseok: they're your parents lu han

minseok: their opinion matters

Luhannie: not if they're against you being in my life

minseok: you're either underestimating your parents’ power or overestimating your own

Luhannie: well what do you want me to do? I'm only going back to appease them. That doesn't mean I'll be willing to go along with whatever they throw at me. 

Luhannie: to be honest minseok

Luhannie: I'd thought you'd have more faith in me.

minseok: you know this trip back isn't just about being with your family

minseok: so why are you going?

Luhannie: are you saying I shouldnt see my family?

Luhannie: minseok, seriously.

minseok: this is why I wanted to have this conversation face to face.

minseok: but you're right, I guess.

minseok: let's not fight about this.

Luhannie: let's not.

 

[2:47 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: is it just me or has that guy been checking me out for the past 15 min?

Kungfu panda tao: he looks creepy

Kungfu panda tao: quick, yixing ge! hold my hand and pretend I said something really funny

jongdae: um? I am right here

Kungfu panda tao: listen jongdae you're dongsaeng’s virtue is more important than ur failed attempts at flirting rn

jongdae: yah this kid

jongdae: and it's your*

Kungfu panda tao: geeeeee

jongdae: hes not even checking his phone lol

jongdae: guess my attempts at flirting haven't failed much [jazz hands face]

Kungfu panda tao: >:((

jongdae: he wasn't even looking at you anyway

Kungfu panda tao: no way. TAHT lady???

Kungfu panda tao: she's like forty!!

jongdae: I guess he finds botox attractive

jongdae: maybe it's the boa feathers

jongdae: fr she's working it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so sorry this chapter was not that funny but plot is being developed and all that. spring break is next week for me so i'll try to write a lot to not leave you guys hanging for another month. thanks for sticking around and reading this tho!!! <3<3<3


	21. luhan is sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [2:40 p.m.]  
> jongdae: they broke up

[2:40 p.m.]

jongdae: they broke up

yeol: tbh i expected it

yehet: what? but they were so good together

xingxing: :((

 

[4:54 p.m.]

Luhannie: yo the weirdest fucking thing just happened to me?

Kungfu panda tao: wait what happened earlier? is hyung okay

Luhannie: im getting to it

Luhannie: so like

Luhannie: yifan and junmyeon broke up?

Luhannie: and junmyeon comes in ranting and he started throwing things

Luhannie: so now I'm hiding in my room b/c I can't be the support for emotions things

Luhannie: I need one of you to come over and talk to him

Kungfu panda tao: is he okay?

Luhannie: idk man

Kungfu panda tao: im coming

minseok: me too

Luhannie: what about yifan?

xingxing: im on it

jongdae: I'll go w/ yixing hyung

Kungfu panda tao: [thumbs up]

 

[11:45 p.m.]

baekhyunee: everyone good?

yeol: yeah? I think so

yeol: yifan hyung texted me that he's waiting for baekhyun’s offering of alcohol

baekhyunee: this is baekhyun’s offering of alcohol. Any takers?

Junmyeonie: let's go clubbing

Do Kyungsoo: hyung it's a school night.

Junmyeonie: you right, kyungsoo

Junmyeonie: but w hat is ir Point

Do Kyungsoo: fine.

Do Kyungsoo: but if you go, I'm following.

Junmyeonie: [thumbs up] np, soo-yah

Do Kyungsoo: and I will bring yifan hyung with me.

Junmyeonie: you'er literally satan

Junmyeonie: FINE I'll drink at home

Junmyeonie: terrifying lu han makes me feel better anyway

Luhannie: wHAT

baekhyunee: lmao I'll bring wine over for junmyeon hyung and also to take pics

Luhannie: stay away

Luhannie: I don't deserve this

minseok: aw poor bb

Luhannie: Minnie [teary face x2]

yehet: ewwwwwwwwwww

Kim Kai: *gagging*

Luhannie: jesus christ leave me alone

jongdae: I don't know how to tell you this hyung

jongdae: but jesus has left you looooooong ago

yeol: LMAO

 

[9:52 a.m.]

yeol: every1 happy now??

xingxing: yes chanyeol ^-^

Junmyeonie: hungover, but fine

Kungfu panda tao: I respire health

yehet: I dont think thats

yehet: nvm

galaxy_fanfan: [thumbs up]

yeol: lu han hyung?

Luhannie: *grumbling*

yeol: okay! It seems everybody is bak 2 normal!!!

yeol: so this is a good time to tell you we're performing at the snow festival on dec 14!!

baekhyunee: y'all better show up or I will find you :) :)

jongdae: baekhyun sucked many dicks for this

baekhyunee: wtf hop off my dick dino ditz

baekhyunee: I wasn't the one sucking dicks for the past week ;) ;) ;)

jongdae: shut up bacon holy shit

Luhannie: oh trust me everyone already knows

Luhannie: or at least I know and I know too much [puking face x3]

xingxing: come watch our performance!!!! we'll buy drinks after!!

Kungfu panda tao: done

Do Kyungsoo: im not turning down free alcohol

Kim Kai: free alcohol...sure

yehet: o ka y jongin!! Time to zip!!!!

minseok: will be there c:

Do Kyungsoo: wtf minseok hyung that's so cute

Junmyeonie: I feel...cured.

galaxy_fanfan: I suddenly respire health

Luhannie: akskjdjskshsjk

baekhyunee: llsjfjsjshsjdk

 

[4:20 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: AYYY 420 BALZEIT!!!!!!!

Luhannie: zitao what the fuck

yehet: yo where are you

galaxy_fanfan: ZITAO????

Kungfu panda tao: ayy don't worry I'm just at the burger place

Kungfu panda tao: im not on drugs this burger is just rly lit

Kim Kai: dude I told you

yehet: is this where you go when I can't find you for hours on end?

yehet: and wait you guys went to get burgers without me???

Kungfu panda tao: sorry babe but you were in class and we were dying, literally

Kim Kai: do u want us to get u anything?

yehet: loyalty

Kungfu panda tao: come oooon

Kungfu panda tao: well pay for dinner tonight?

jongdae: whoa zitao offering to pay that's new

Kim Kai: hes still splitting w me tho

yehet: nothing can make up for how #betrayed I feel

Kim Kai: brat

_ Kungfu panda tao sent a picture. _

Kungfu panda tao: look how good this is. And how cute I look.

yehet: you're right zitao. words can't describe how cute you are

Kungfu panda tao: [smiley with tongue] 

yehet: numbers can, tho. 2/10

Kungfu panda tao: -__-

 

[11:20 p.m.]

Luhannie: the people on this plane look unfriendly I don't want to go :(

_ Luhannie sent a picture. _

Luhannie: look at how sad I am

minseok: the people on the plane just want to mind their own business lu han-ah

Luhannie: :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

minseok: it's only four days bby

minseok: you'll be fine

Luhannie: okay but how will I know you're fine?

minseok: I'll call you

Luhannie: facetime

minseok: fine

Luhannie: every night

minseok: yeeees now turn off your phone your plan is about to take off

Luhannie: I miss you

minseok: me too

minseok: bye bye [peace sign]

Luhannie: :(((((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter this time, but expect the next one to be long!!


	22. jongdae is the Worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [6:20 a.m.]  
> jongdae: hyung  
> jongdae: why do I see you in your cubicle  
> jongdae: I thought you didn't work until 9?

[7:31 a.m.]

baekhyunee: kim jongdae is the Worst and I swear to Jesus AND his mother that one day, I will personally stab him in the eyes so he can feel the pain I am feeling

Kim Kai: whoa

yehet: I don't even think kyungsoo hyung has ever been this violent

Do Kyungsoo: yeah no even I can't top this

galaxy_fanfan: u airfight there kids?

galaxy_fanfan: alright*

baekhyunee: let this be known. I own the rights to kim jongdae’s homicide now.

Kungfu panda tao: what the hell happened?

baekhyunee: kim jongdae is the scum of this earth and deserves to be scraped out from the bottom of the dirtiest river on earth and thrown into the sewer he belongs.

jongdae: all I did was wake him up

Do Kyungsoo: …

Junmyeonie: literally what the fuck

yehet: I hate y'all

Kungfu panda tao: to think

Kungfu panda tao: I was actually concerned

jongdae: um. aren't you guys hearing this? he wants me dead

galaxy_fanfan: build and bridge and get over it jongdae

jongdae: wTF

jongdae: I hâte this family

 

[12:13 p.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: is it just me

Kungfu panda tao: or is something a bit out of place these days

Kim Kai: you feel it too?

Junmyeonie: it's luhan and minseok hyung

yehet: what with the hyungs?

jongdae: they're not speaking

baekhyunee: wait

yeol: wtf?

baekhyunee: ^^

Do Kyungsoo: ^

Kungfu panda tao: ^^^^

galaxy_fanfan: it's complicated

Kim Kai: um ok

Kim Kai: lets not talk abt them when theyre not here then

yehet: ^^

 

[6:20 a.m.]

jongdae: hyung

jongdae: why do I see you in your cubicle

jongdae: I thought you didn't work until 9?

minseok: jongdae-yah

minseok: im just taking the chance to collect overtime hours

jongdae: and luhan hyung agreed to not have you in the morning? I thought he always gets pouty when you aren't there

minseok: oh

minseok: I don't think he'll mind

jongdae: huh.

jongdae: you wanna talk about it?

minseok: not really.

jongdae: okay

minseok: why are you here so early?

jongdae: uncle yoonhyun brought me to the business dinner he had in his office last night and I crashed here since I drank too much

minseok: wild.

jongdae: yeah I mean

jongdae: why pass up free food and alcohol?

minseok: ah, to be young and carefree

jongdae: what are you saying hyung [lajghing crying face x2] you're only two years older

minseok: im graduating this year and i have a fairly steady job/paid intership

jongdae: and a sweetheart to go home to?

jongdae: right, sorry

minseok: get home safely, dae-yah

jongdae: I will ^-^

 

[4:42 p.m.]

Luhannie: I don't know why he's so bothered by it

Luhannie: it's not like they'll have any influence over our lives. we're adults who make our own choices

xingxing: maybe he's concerned since you guys are getting more serious

Luhannie: ok but I know they'll love him if they just meet him once. but he won't meet them!

xingxing: you know as well as i do that that has less to do with minseok’s wishes than your parents’, lu ge

Luhannie: that's stupid

Luhannie: they're all being stupid

xingxing: and youre not?

xingxing: lu han, you need to take the bull by its horns and fix this before it ruins your relationship

xingxing: you know minseok cares about your parents’ opinion of him, so arrange a meeting if you think it'll fix things

Luhannie: the thing is he shouldn't care!!!

xingxing: but he does and you can't just ignore that

Luhannie: no listen xing 

Luannnie: what pisses me off is that he thinks my parents’ opinion directly correlates with mine

Luhannie: like I get that he wants my parents’ favor. I want his’ too

Luhannie: but he's acting like them not liking him will diminish this relationship in some kind of way

Luhannie: like I love him. shouldn't that be enough???

xingxing: sometimes it's not.

xingxing: but you need to talk to him about this

Luhannie: he won't talk to me

xingxing: have you tried?

Luhannie: hes gone before I wake up every morning and he doesn't come back until late at night

xingxing: find him before he starts sleeping somewhere else

xingxing: you know it's over then, right?

 

[3:31 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: what the fuck lu han

galaxy_fanfan: you don't just do shit like that in the middle of starbucks

Kungfu panda tao: what happened?

galaxy_fanfan: I see this fucker walk in and sit in the corner all shady

galaxy_fanfan: and i was about to text him to look up

galaxy_fanfan: but then he gets a text from someone else, an informant or some shit

galaxy_fanfan: and he gets up and walks to the door where minseok haf just come in

galaxy_fanfan: and he just kisses him

Kungfu panda tao: aw

galaxy_fanfan: no. not aw

galaxy_fanfan: then minseok pushes him away and lu han’s like “I need to talk to you”

galaxy_fanfan: and minseok is pissed off bc he was ambushed in the middle of starbucks

galaxy_fanfan: and they have it out for a couple of minutes until minseok is like “let's not do this here”

galaxy_fanfan: and lu han is like “fine” and they leave

galaxy_fanfan: my point is lu han, knowing that minseok is a private person, why the fuck would you pull that shit in public

yehet: yeah there a lot of people saying shit about them now

Junmyeonie: the rumor mill is kind of...crazy

jongdae: you said they went somwhere else right?

jongdae: xing hyung, do you know how it went?

xingxing: um 

xingxing: not good?

Do Kyungsoo: wait

Do Kyungsoo: what’s going on? why are they fighting?

yeol: ????

xingxing: it's just

xingxing: complicated

baekhyunee: jongdae do you know?

jongdae: no

jongdae: and i wouldnt tell you if I did

Kim Kai: yea we shld keep out of this

xingxing: they just both need to get their shit together

 

[8:22 p.m.]

minseok: hey jongdae

minseok: you guys have a couple of extra rooms at the frat house right?

jongdae: hyung, I don't think this is a good idea

minseok: just a couple of nights

minseok: I don't

minseok: I don't think I could kick him out and I need a bit of space right now

jongdae: hyung…

minseok: I know

minseok: I'll try

minseok: im trying

minseok: the difference in our opinions is just making things a bit impossible right now

jongdae: just a few nights

jongdae: I want to see you two being disgustingly cute again after that, alright?

minseok: thanks man

 

[4:19 a.m.]

Luhannie: hes not here

Luhannie: I don't think he's coming back

 

[8:14 a.m.]

xingxing: oh, luhannie


	23. jongin joins the bandwagon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [9:37 a.m.]  
> yeol: kim jongdae  
> yeol: im reviving this chat to yell @ u

[9:37 a.m.]

yeol: kim jongdae

yeol: im reviving this chat to yell @ u

yeol: why the fuck is minseok hyung here

yeol: I mean

yeol: not that I don't like minseok hyung but

baekhyunee: is it really that bad?

jongdae: hes only staying a couple nights

baekhyunee: :/

baekhyunee: I just had the best breakfast I have ever had in my three years of university both in terms of food and visuals but I want him Gone

jongdae: me too bc hell be gone when theu make up

Do Kyungsoo: they better

Do Kyungsoo: what a clusterfuck.

 

[10:12 a.m.]

Kim Kai: yo roommate

Kim Kai: i think i want to move out

yehet: what the fuck brah

yehet: I kno everyone's breaking up right now but you want to join the bandwagon??

yehet: bandwagons aren't good dipwhip

Kim Kai: im just tired of walking in on u and zitao all the time

Kim Kai: plus kyungsoo hyung was thinking abt getting a new apartment so u sperm whales can live 2gether

yehet: u gonna move in with kyungsoo hyung then?

Kim Kai: and risk walking in on him and chanyeol hyung? Nah

yehet: they ain't fucking tho

Kim Kai: if ive learned anything from uni

Kim Kai: is that everyone in our group will fuck at some point or another

yehet: tru

yehet: so what do you think abt me and minseok hyung?

Kim Kai: dude. hes going thru sumthing rn that's not cool

yehet: ur right my bad

Kim Kai: but yea I think I might join baekhyun hyung’s frat or maybe taemin’s since they're offering

yehet: a frat?? jongin ur idea of partying is eating nacho cheese Doritos and streaming premier league games at 1 am

Kim Kai: I kinda want a change of pace, yk

yehet: ye, ye, ok

yehet: I'll bring it up w/ the bae

 

[6:28 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: yo so

galaxy_fanfan: jj Lin is coming to Korea in frebruary

galaxy_fanfan: feburary

galaxy_fanfan: februayr

galaxy_fanfan: however it's spelled

galaxy_fanfan: we should go to his concert

Kungfu panda tao: hell yeah

xingxing: bonding time?

Kungfu panda tao: yeah boiii

galaxy_fanfan: bonding time for chinaline

Kungfu panda tao: well since we're going to his concert we should go all out

Kungfu panda tao: front row tickets and everything

galaxy_fanfan: yesssss let's do it

Kungfu panda tao: we need to start looking for tickets months in advance tho

Kungfu panda tao: here I'll snoop around the fansites, yifan hyung u look at the ticket websites,

galaxy_fanfan: dw about it yixings got it

Kungfu panda tao: you do?

xingxing: do you want backstage passes as well?

Kungfu panda tao: do I

Kungfu panda tao: do want

Kungfu panda tao: what

galaxy_fanfan: I told u, hes int he mafia

xingxing: im not in the mafia I just know people 

Kungfu panda tao: yeah

Kungfu panda tao: uh huh

xingxing: u okay there taotao?

Kungfu panda tao: yeah.

Kungfu panda tao: not like I once tried for six months to get balcony seating for jj Lin and still failed ahahahaha

Kungfu panda tao: ((yifan ge come to my room asap))

galaxy_fanfan: ((I fucking told u))

xingxing: um.

xingxing: ok

galaxy_fanfan: aNYWAY

galaxy_fanfan: how's the relationship going zitao

Kungfu panda tao: great?

galaxy_fanfan: rEALLY

Kungfu panda tao: im not discussing my relationship w you guys, you're like my parents

galaxy_fanfan: lots of physical activity *wiggles eyebrows*

Kungfu panda tao: EWWW

xingxing: yikes

galaxy_fanfan: how's YOUR relationship going yixing?

xingxing: what relationship??

Kungfu panda tao: oh boy

galaxy_fanfan: r u denying that u have relations w a certain mr kim jongdae

xingxing: w hat

xingxing: I do nt

xingxing: how dARE

xingxing: you're suggestin

xingxing: how do I know YOU don't have relations w jongdae huh? ur just trying to deflect. check and mate.

Kungfu panda tao: AHAHAHHAHAHA

Kungfu panda tao: oh man

Kungfu panda tao: I've never??? Seen xingxing ge flustered over anything before this?

galaxy_fanfan: careful zitao

galaxy_fanfan: xingxing ge is what jongdae calls yixing

galaxy_fanfan: that gets him

galaxy_fanfan: excited 

Kungfu panda tao: HAHSHSHSHHAHAHAH

xingxing: I stg

Kungfu panda tao: HAHA

Kungfu panda tao: is it just me

Kungfu panda tao: or does it feel like something's missing

galaxy_fanfan: yeah it's kind of not fun to do this w/o lu han

galaxy_fanfan: how's he doing, yixing?

xingxing: he still won't leave the house

xingxing: but I'm working on it

Kungfu panda tao: :(((

galaxy_fanfan: u know what

galaxy_fanfan: that's bullshit

galaxy_fanfan: I'm going over there and dragging him out

galaxy_fanfan: call it payback for all those tones he came over and disturbed the sanctuary of my home

Kungfu panda tao: we’re coming with you ge

 

[1:46 p.m.]

baekhyunee: so are we going to ignore the fact that he never wears a shirt around the house and he's still hot as fuck

jongdae: YES we are baekhyun

yeol: uM

yeol: speak 4 urSELF

yeol: u might have built up immunity by going to the gym with him

yeol: but some of us have only gotten to experience minseok hyung’s washboard abs the day be4

Do Kyungsoo: oh yeah chanyeol’s that loser who hasn't seen minseok hyung shirtless even though he's always stripping.

yeol: exCUSE ME

baekhyunee: mm those abs tho

jongdae: can u not

jongdae: I can sense ur hard on from here

baekhyunee: u can sense it? that's disgusting jongdoodoo

jongdae: jongdoodoo? weak

baekhyunee: as if you can think of any good insulting nicknames

jongdae: brathyun

jongdae: baekhoe

jongdae: baked potato

jongdae: buttlicker

jongdae: basic bitch

jongdae: motherfucker.

baekhyunee: bRaThYuN

baekhyunee: bAeKhOe

jongdae: rly

baekhyunee: we all know I'm petty enough to go through the whole list

Do Kyungsoo: god shut the fuck up.

yeol: u no

yeol: there r still rooms left in this house 4 u Kyungsoo

Do Kyungsoo: I told you I'm not living with you.

Do Kyungsoo: I’m moving into a new apartment anyways.

yeol: whoa wtf

yeol: when

Do Kyungsoo: Soon.

baekhyunee: chanyeol stop texting ur crush break is over time to keep practicing the festival is in less than two weeks!!1!

yeol: alRIght damn

Do Kyungsoo: Wait.

Do Kyungsoo: his crush?

 

[5:57 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: when's the best time to go to the dentist?

Junmyeonie: tooth hurty! lololololol

_ Kim Kai has left the chat. _

_ Junmyeonie added Kim Kai. _


	24. kyungsoo screams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minseok: I said I was only going to stay at your frat house for a couple of nights, so  
> minseok: I’m going to go talk to lu han

[3:01 p.m.]

Kim Kai: HELP ME

yehet: ?

Kim Kai: kyungsoo hyung made me cum over and hes been screaming abt chnayeol hyung at me for an hr straight

yehet: first of all,

yehet: nvr write come like that again

yehet: second,

yehet: wt

yehet: f

yehet: kyungso hyung does not scream.

yehet: unless its from anger

Kim Kai: y do u think i need help

Kim Kai: im confused and alrmed rn

Kim Kai: sum1 pls come

Kungfu panda tao: sry bro im at work

Kim Kai: sehun?

yehet: um no, you betrayed me remmeber?

Kim Kai: ?

Kim Kai: me moving?

Kim Kai: I thot u didnt care bc u can move in w/ zitao now

Kungfu panda tao: ???

Kungfu panda tao: this is the first i’ve heard of this

yehet: we’ll talk about thsi l8r babe

yehet: jsut concentrate rn

Kim Kai: r u coming or not?

yehet: cant, im getting blown

Kim Kai: but zitaos @ work?

yehet: exactly ;)

Kim Kai: ew wtf

Kungfu panda tao: ;) ;) ;)

Kim Kai: i shouldnt have asked

 

[6:42 p.m.]

minseok: so uh,

minseok: I’m sticking to my word

minseok: I said I was only going to stay at your frat house for a couple of nights, so

minseok: I’m going to go talk to lu han

jongdae: good luck hyung

minseok: thanks dae-yah

 

[7:10 p.m.]

Luhannie: yixing

Luhannie: yIXING

xingxing: what’s up man?

Luhannie: minseok’s here

xingxing: what??

xingxing: then why are you texting me talk to him!!!

Luhannie: hes outside the door right now

Luhannie: but he hasn’t knocked yet

Luhannie: I’m sort of just watching him from the window? fuck that’s kind of creepy

Luhannie: I cant blieve im creeping on my own boyfriend

Luhannie: well

xingxing: don’t say it

xingxing: don’t you dare say it asshole

xingxing: he’s still going to be your boyfriend after this, you got that?!!?

Luhannie: fuck man what do i do

Luhannie: im not good at words

Luhannie: especially w/ minseok

xingxing: don’t be a dick

Luhannie: you know what you guys said about me taking the first suggestion to heart and ending up doing it?

xingxing: fuckk

 

[7:15 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: hey, so I’m throwing the kids a congrats party after their performance on the 14th.

Junmyeonie: I need someone responsible to help me organize it, and well. You’re it.

galaxy_fanfan: uh…

galaxy_fanfan: are you sure that’s me?

Junmyeonie: yeah I mean.

Junmyeonie: minseok hyung has relationship drama, kyungsoo is more likely to mess it up on purpose because he doesn’t like chanbaek, and, well, that’s it, really.

galaxy_fanfan: our friend group is

Junmyeonie: difficult?

galaxy_fanfan: mostly annoying as fuck

Junmyeonie: tru

galaxy_fanfan: alright fine.

galaxy_fanfan: but I get to make some of the decisions too, this isnt just going to be you ordering me around and me doing all the grunt work

Junmyeonie: ofc not, when have I ever?

galaxy_fanfan: oh jesus christ, I am not emotionally confident enough to that conversation

 

[8:32 p.m.]

Luhannie: it’s over man.

Kungfu panda tao: what’s over?

yeol: sounds serious

jongdae: park chanyeol, you dumb fuck.

Luhannie: shit wrong chat

Junmyeonie: lu han, is that you at the door right now?

xingxing: shiiiit

baekhyunee: what

baekhyunee: what’s happening?

galaxy_fanfan: oh my god.

yehet: no fucking way

yehet: did you guys seriously break up?

Kim Kai: guys lets rmbr 2 remain tactful alright

minseok: honestly whatever.

minseok: this relationship is already such a shitshow, why deny everyone front row seats?

Kungfu panda tao: noooo

galaxy_fanfan: jesus christ lu han, what did you say why is minseok so bitter????

galaxy_fanfan: yixing, did you know they were going to meet up?

xingxing: yeah, fuck

galaxy_fanfan: yeah, fuck what?

xingxing: i told him not to be a dick

Kungfu panda tao: so he was one?

Kungfu panda tao: jeeeeesus

 

[8:39 p.m.]

jongdae: you didn’t mean that, minseok hyung

 

[8:40 p.m.]

yeol: wait im so confused how did it even get 2 this point?

yeol: i thought everything was fine until a few days ago?

Do Kyungsoo: sometimes, things just happen to your life that you have no control over.

Do Kyungsoo: no matter how hard you try to stop it.

Kim Kai: is this abt urself, hyung?

Do Kyungsoo: not now, jongin.

Junmyeonie: lu han wont talk to me

Junmyeonie: I can see that youre reading the chat right now lu han.

Junmyeonie: if you need anything, i’m here.

Junmyeonie: I’m your roommate for a reason.

yehet: i’m still hung up on the lu han hyung being a dick part

yehet: it doesn’t feel like this is all his fault

xingxing: it’s not

Kungfu panda tao: i didn’t even know they were meeting up today

yehet: me neither

jongdae: minseok hyung went to talk to lu han hyung about two hours ago

jongdae: I guess it didn’t go well

yeol: u guess??

yeol: note the sarcasm

baekhyunee: yikes

baekhyunee: just, yikes

 

[9:06 p.m.]

minseok: no, i didnt


	25. baekhyun has a Very Important Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kungfu panda tao: it could have been any one of us. Me and sehun, the drama hoes. Junmyeon hyung, the mom. Minseok hyung and yifan ge, the old men. But its you guys, the frat boys.

[12: 14 p.m.]

baekhyunee: hey hyung

baekhyunee: this might be a bad time for me to ask this

baekhyunee: but when have I ever been known for my tact, right?

baekhyunee: aha anyway

baekhyunee: you’re good at statistics and programming, right?

minseok: don’t worry about it, ask away

minseok: and yeah, why?

baekhyunee: I have this huge project thats worth like 70% of my grade

baekhyunee: but I just 

baekhyunee: can’t do it?

baekhyunee: like idk if its b/c my professor is SHIT at teaching us hwo to apply theory to programming

baekhyunee: fuck this is a really bad tim eto ask this isnt it im sorry hyung

minseok: no no no

minseok: i told you don’t worry about it

minseok: your problem sounds like something right up my alley I can help you with it no problem

baekhyunee: fuck im just dumb sry

minseok: no youre not

minseok: when is it due?

baekhyunee: uh

baekhyunee: in three days?

minseok: byun baekhyun i stg

baekhyunee: i rly tried to do it at first i sWEAR

baekhyunee: on mY LIFE

baekhyunee: but it was hard so I gave up

minseok: what, after reading the instructions once?

baekhyunee: …

minseok: ok listen

minseok: the room I stayed in at the frat is still untouched right?

minseok: knowing you guys, you probably havent even gone in once since I left

baekhyunee: I mean you left it so clean hyung we didn’t really need to do anything… 

minseok: I’m going to crash there the next few nights and we’re going to work on that shit, okay?

baekhyunee: are you sure?

baekhyunee: i feel really bad about this

minseok: dw about it. really.

minseok: it’s good for me.

baekhyunee: ah, really?

minseok: yeah

baekhyunee: then come on over, hyung! You have me to cheer u up now!!!

baekhyunee: ew that was so cringey what the fuck

minseok: lol

minseok: yeah whatever brat

 

[2:11 p.m.]

yeol: hey so remember my mysterious benefactor?

yehet: no

yehet: no one keeps up with your shit

yeol: rUDe

yeol: anyway

yeol: weve ben hanging out lately

yeol: and I invited him to our performanec!

yeol: so you all can meet him

Junmyeonie: that’s great chanyeol!

Junmyeonie: we’re happy to meet your friend!

Junmyeonie: what’s his name?

galaxy_fanfan: um chanyeol

galaxy_fanfan: isnt this the same guy that pays for everything when you go out, buys you expesive hats you dont need, and left you 300k won in a fake will?

galaxy_fanfan: because im pretty sure that makes him your sugar daddy

galaxy_fanfan: and hella shady

yeol: his name is sungwoo

yeol: and hes not shady, hes just a friend

galaxy_fanfan: oh yeah

galaxy_fanfan: what’s his surname then?

yeol: ?

yeol: i dont remember

Kungfu panda tao: wait chanyeol hyung has a sugar daddy and no one knows about this except yifan ge?

yeol: he’s a f r i e n d

Junmyeonie: sungwoo as in lee sungwoo?

yehet: why is he a chaebol or something?

Junmyeonie: chaebol? oh no no no no

Junmyeonie: he owns teh company

Junmyeonie: my boy,

Junmyeonie: you have got yourself a sugar daddy.

yeol: what

Do Kyungsoo: what

yeol: exactly, what

Do Kyungsoo: out of all people, CHANYEOL’s the one whos caught the attention of a billionaire thats okay with spoiling him for only the pleasure of his company

jongdae: yeah lmao pretty unbelievable

Do Kyungsoo: chanyeol.

yeol: hey

yeol: whats wrong with me?

Do Kyungsoo: where do i start?

yeol: [angry face]

Junmyeonie: down, kyungsoo.

Kim Kai: dw, hyung ill be over in five

yehet: wow look at that, he even spelled five out

yehet: its a miracle

galaxy_fanfan: okay but back to the fake will/pretending to be a dealer

yeol: oh yeah

yeol: thats just bc hes eccentric

yeol: its a long story

jongdae: damn i want details tho?

yeol: lets get brunch then

Kungfu panda tao: why are you guys actually a group of middle aged housewives?

jongdae: *sips mimosa*

Kungfu panda tao: it could have been any one of us. Me and sehun, the drama hoes. Junmyeon hyung, the mom. Minseok hyung and yifan ge, the old men. But its you guys, the frat boys.

yeol: [sunglasses face]

 

[9:18 p.m.]

xingxing: go home, lu han

Luhannie: what

xingxing: theres no reason for you to be out practicing football at 9pm in the middle of winter, football season doesnt even start until the spring

Luhannie: i want to though

xingxing: there are better ways to work out your frustrations

xingxing: ones that dont involve getting pneumonia and me spending a night in the hospital for you

Luhannie: that was one time

Luhannie: and it was because I fell in the lake

xingxing: bc you insisted on ice skating even though we weren’t supposed to go on the ice

Luhannie: good times

xingxing: lu han

xingxing: im serious

Luhannie: let’s go clubbing

xingxing: no

Luhannie: lets goooo, xingxing

Luhannie: you know im going to go with or without you

Luhannie: might as well come so you can watch me ;)

xingxing: its a school night

Luhannie: you only have afternoon classes

xingxing: [sighing face]

xingxing: fine

xingxing: meet @ bronze man statue in five

 

[3:25 a.m.]

_ baekhyunee sent a picture. _

baekhyunee: IT IS DONE

baekhyunee: DONE, COMPLETED, SUBMITTED, ACCOMPLISHED, CONQUERED

minseok: good job baekhyun-ah :)

baekhyunee: thaaaank you so much, my lord and savior

minseok: ok well moving on from you calling me god beacuse what’s new

minseok: im really proud of you baekhyunnie

minseok: you actually put in the work and focused while we were working on this

minseok: I believe 100% that youll get a good grade on this

baekhyunee: yes ofc i AM a genius

minseok: pfft

minseok: ofc you’re like this

minseok: get a good night’s sleep, baekhyun-ah

 

[3:31 a.m.]

baekhyunee: jongdoodoo wAKE UP

baekhyunee: im having a cRISIS, i need you

jongdae: waht the fuc k man its 3 in the faucking mornign

baekhyunee: listen

baekhyunee: minseok hyung just helped me finish a Very Important Project that we worked on together for three days straight

jongdae: i know, he was here

jongdae: its kind of hard to miss a Very Buff Guy walking around your house, especially when they somHOW manage to keep ur loudass friend quiet for three days straight

baekhyunee: no but the problem is

baekhyunee: the PROBLEM IS, jongdae

baekhyunee: sometime during the course of those three days

baekhyunee: i started liking him

jongdae: what

jongdae: baekhyun youve literally been lusting after him for three years, this isnt news to me

jongdae: u wake me up at THREE AM

baekhyunee: nOO, liSTEN TO ME, jongdoodoo

baekhyunee: i lIKE HIM

jongdae: oh no

jongdae: oh no, baekhyun

baekhyunee: oH NO, BAEKHYUN


	26. minseok is sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [6:47 a.m.]  
> jongdae: ok, what the FUCK  
> jongdae: did i dream that conversation?

[6:47 a.m.]

jongdae: ok, what the FUCK

jongdae: did i dream that conversation?

jongdae: no, i scrolled up and it”s still there

jongdae: fuckk

baekhyunee: jnog daE

baekhyunee: wtf do i do

jongdae: the fuck are you supposed to do?

jongdae: stop liking him!!

baekhyunee: i cANT

jongdae: baekhyun let me remind u the last time u liked someone u drOPPED choir and almost had to redo ur entire sophomore year of college

baekhyunee: tf

baekhyunee: why does this happen to me

baekhyunee: why dont u like him, uve spent 10 times more time alone w/ him than me

baekhyunee: fuck lu han hyung’s going to kill me

baekhyunee: IM TOO YOUNG AND CUTE 2 DIE

jongdae: listen asshole

jongdae: just keep ur distance for now

jongdae: and hope its just a phase, alright?

jongdae: u cant catch feelings when ur 3km away from minseok hyung at all times

baekhyunee: yes

baekhyunee: that is a Good Plan

baekhyunee: ofc kim jongdae is an intellectual

jongdae: also whatever you do

jongdae: dont tell anyone else

baekhyunee: yes

 

[10:14 a.m.]

yeol: yo baekhyun

baekhyunee: I LIKE MINSEOK HYUJG

yeol: wtf

baekhyunee: sHIT

yeol: um

yeol: i mean

yeol: me 2???

baekhyunee: oh you do

baekhyunee: good we can suffer together

yeol: im pretty sure we all like him, like every1 in the gc

yeol: or else we wouldnt b friends, ukno

baekhyunee: [gaping face x3]

baekhyunee: i meant romantically

 

[10:18 a.m.]

_ yeol sent a picture. _

yeol: what does he mean romantically??

Do Kyungsoo: baekhyun you DUMBASS.

 

[10:32 a.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: byun baekhyun.

Do Kyungsoo: i need to have words with you.

yehet: oh shit what he done now

jongdae: uh what is this about?

Do Kyungsoo: He knows.

Do Kyungsoo: I can see that you’re reading this conversation, Baekhyun. If you don’t want to talk about this, then you can just delete yourself from the chat.

_ baekhyunee has left the chat. _

_ yeol has added baekhyunee. _

yeol: sorry, man i just panicked

jongdae: you told chanyeol?

jongdae: baekhyun

jongdae: we JUST talked abt his

baekhyunee: its ok

baekhyunee: i kno i fucked up

baekhyunee: soo message me privately

yehet: um???? What

Kungfu panda tao: honestly this is too much drama in such a short span of time, even for ME

galaxy_fanfan: who knew sehun and zitao would be the only couple to not have drama

Kim Kai: abt that

Kim Kai: sry in advance sehunnie

yehet: why

Kungfu panda tao: who and zitao? Im sorry im not dating anyone

yehet: wth

yehet: babe?

yehet: tf u going on about

Kungfu panda tao: :))

yehet: uh??

yehet: did I do something?

Kim Kai: more like u DIDNT do sumthing

yehet: …

Kungfu panda tao: you know, it’s fine if someone doesnt want me to live with them

Kungfu panda tao: but you get to a certain point in a relationship, you knid of expect them to b honest with you and talk it out

Kungfu panda tao: esp when on eof the reasons the previous roommate is leaving is bc even HE thought we had reached that point

yehet: oh

yehet: shit

yehet: no listen

yehet: zitao

Kungfu panda tao: but I mean its fine

Kungfu panda tao: Im just thinking that it was more serious than it actually is

Kungfu panda tao: my mistake

yehet: zitao pls

_ Kungfu panda tao has left the chat. _

galaxy_fanfan: what in the fuck

xingxing: he must be really upset... 

Kim Kai: sry man i thot u asked him already

yehet: I

galaxy_fanfan: do you actually not want him to live with you?

yehet: no its not that

yehet: im just

yehet: a coward, i guess

yehet: ive been too afraid of asking him something so serious out of fear that hell reject me

yehet: that i didnt think about how NOT asking him looked

Junmyeonie: sehunnie

Junmyeonie: I understand that it’s a really important step and you have the right to be nervous about taking it,

Junmyeonie: but if you feel a certain way about zitao and you know he reciprocates your feelings, you shouldn’t be afraid to express those feelings

Junmyeonie: otherwise misunderstandings might occur, like this one.

yehet: yes, hyung.

xingxing: go talk to him, alright?

xingxing: we dont want anymore sad friends in this group chat

yehet: okay.

 

[6:34 p.m.]

Luhannie: I left my toothpaste at your place.

Luhannie: The one I need for my teeth to feel clean.

minseok: I’ll give it to Junmyeon to give to you.

Luhannie: K.

 

[7:06 p.m.]

_ Luhannie sent a picture. _

Luhannie: the conversation just died like our relationship lol

xingxing: lu han…

Luhannie: my fault

xingxing: no

xingxing: im coming over

Luhannie: im not home

xingxing: where are you then?

xingxing: ge

xingxing: lu han

 

[7:15 p.m.]

xingxing: yo do you know where lu han is

galaxy_fanfan: hes here, dw

xingxing: where is here?

galaxy_fanfan: student representatives office

galaxy_fanfan: he was looking for junmyeon

xingxing: oh

xingxing: why are you at the student reps office?

galaxy_fanfan: same reason

xingxing: ?

xingxing: just dont let him out of your sight until junmyeon takes him home

galaxy_fanfan: got it

 

[11:21 p.m.]

jongdae: baekhyun where are you

yeol: yo were abt to start just dance

 

[11:28 p.m.]

baekhyunee: i didnt wnat soo to know this but

baekhyunee: im at minseok hyung’s place

jongdae: what the fuck, baekhyun

baekhyunee: what was I supposed to do

baekhyunee: he called me crying

baekhyunee: im freaking out jongdae pls say something

jongdae: dude.

jongdae: you canNOT try to get him by helping him get over his ex

baekhyunee: im nOT trying to get him

jongdae: are you with him right now?

baekhyunee: hes sleeping

baekhyunee: when I came there were like, two empty bottles of liquor on his kitchen table

jongdae: fuck hes goin to get alcohol poisoning

baekhyunee: which was why i was cONCERNED

jongdae: dude just.

jongdae: dont do anything stupid.

baekhyunee: hA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eVERYONE IS SAD IM SORRY there was no humor in this chapter sorry guys but the angst has to live on a little longer. thank you all for sticking with this i promise i will write happy, funny stuff later on
> 
> that being said hOLY SHIT were almost at 30 chapters. I originally only planned for this to be around 30 chapters but then I kept adding more plot elements I wanted to expand upon and now... I do really love writing this fic and am extremely grateful for all the support I've received so far. I'm a lot busier this summer than I was last summer but I do want to write more fics both with other fandoms and exo (esp with the comeback coming up yES) BUT I wILL keep updating this fic as regularly as I can. 
> 
> Stay tuned for chanyeol's mysterious benefactor, possible krisho revival (?), xingdae dates, and a definitive answer to the question: is yixing part of the mafia?


	27. jongdae gone girls chansoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [4:32 p.m.]  
> galaxy_fanfan: yo i want to go to noraebang who wants to come with  
> Luhannie: and listen to you try to rap macklemore for four hours? no thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up!
> 
> there are three main types of chats in this fic. i havent really given them names but theyll be easy to figure out from the people in them.  
> ot12 gc (main): used to be the chinaline gc, now everybody's there. usually easily distinguishable bc ppl from different "groups" will interact there  
> private messages: between two members  
> chinguline gc: w/ baekhyun, jongdae, chanyeol, and kyungsoo
> 
> idk if anyone has had difficulty distinguishing the chats but I try to make it p obvious from the first few messages. lmk if something is unclear!

[10:15 a.m.]

Junmyeonie: ehy so

Junmyeonie: can i talk to u

Junmyeonie: i may have made

Junmyeonie: a teensy tiny mistake

jongdae: um???

jongdae: okay

jongdae: why are you typing like that?

Junmyeonie: m drunk

jongdae: its 10 in the morning

Junmyeonie: ahd to get drunk to cure m hangoaver

jongdae: ...k

Junmyeonie: so liek

Junmyeonie: wahtkdoyoua do

Junmyeonie: if yuo sleep with uyor ex

Junmyeonie: but liek

Junmyeonie: u don really wnat to get back tgether

Junmyeonie: uk now what im sayign?

jongdae: jfc

 

Junmyeonie: jondae?

Junmyeonie: jonngggdae

Junmyeonie: whered he go

 

[10:34 a.m.]

jongdae: hyung pls

xingxing: what is it?

jongdae: junmyeon hyung and yifan hyung

xingxing: they fucked didnt they?

jongdae: yea

jongdae: howd you know?

xingxing: dae-yah,

xingxing: all of our friends are messes.

jongdae: statement of the century ^

xingxing: it’s hard to be surprised at this point

 

[10:42 a.m.]

yeol: r u

yeol: smiLING at ur phone kim jongdae?

yeol: oooooohhh

yeol: jongdaes got a boyyyyyfren

jongdae: stfu

yeol: jongdae and yixing hyung

yeol: sitting in a tree

jongdae: why are you like this

yeol: K I S S

jongdae: sTOP

yeol: I N G

jongdae: i hAVE RECEIPTS

jongdae: I will expose u

yeol: wat receipts

_ jongdae sent a picture. _

yeol: ALDJSLFAJLKFALHDLAS

jongdae: SHIT

yeol: LDKSJFLSHWEHLKFADSAKJHSDFLKAHE

jongdae: WRONG PIC WRONG PIC

yeol: U TAKE PICS OF YIXING HYUNG

yeol: WHIHLE HES SLEPING ALKJDFLKAHLKDF

jongdae: HES CUTE

yeol: HE IS CUTE BUT I CSJTL

yeol: OOOOHHHHH

jongdae: DONT FUVKING START-

yeol: OOOoooooHHHHHhhhhhHHHHH

Do Kyungsoo: jongdae’s got a boyfriend~

jongdae: KYUNGSOO KJKJKJKJKLJKLJLKJLJLJ

yeol: CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

Do Kyungsoo: oooooooohhhhhh

jongdae: FUCK ALL OF YALL

jongdae: LETS SEE HOW UR LAUGHING WHEN IM GONE GIRLING U

jongdae: HAVE FUN EXPLAINIGN MY DEAD BODY TO THE PoLICE

jongdae: SEE U IN COURT BITCH

_ jongdae has left the chat. _

Do Kyungsoo: [crying laughing face x3]

yeol: ah

yeol: that was so funny im irl cryin

Do Kyungsoo: :))

yeol: we havent pulled out his drama side in so long

Do Kyungsoo: it’s all the time at the gym.

Do Kyungsoo: it’s making him all mentally healthy and shit.

Do Kyungsoo: Disgusting.

yeol: lskdfj right?

yeol: btw do u know if zitao’s moving in w/ sehun now or?

Do Kyungsoo: I haven’t heard from him.

Do Kyungsoo: But since this is Zitao we’re talking about that’s probably a good thing.

Do Kyungsoo: They’re probably having gross makeup sex or something.

yeol: well if he leaves u

yeol: u can always move in with us ;)))

Do Kyungsoo: piss off

yeol: seriously tho

yeol: i mean i know we ask u like all the time

yeol: mostly to annoy u

yeol: but we actually do want u to live here

Do Kyungsoo: yeah maybe

Do Kyungsoo: I kind of want to live on my own though.

Do Kyungsoo: I’ve always lived with other people before, whether it’s my family or roommates.

Do Kyungsoo: I think it’s time to meet another one of those “life milestones.”

Do Kyungsoo: Also, now that Minseok and Lu Han hyungs are messes I have to take back Ghostrider.

yeol: so just you and your 3 cats in an apartment together lol

Do Kyungsoo: Ghostrider is one cat.

yeol: no i swear that thing had 3 heads the last time i saw it

Do Kyungsoo: You were probably high.

yeol: um!!!!

yeol: bbh can testify that that is in fact a cat from hell!!!!!

Do Kyungsoo: Shut up I don’t take opinions about my cat from dog people.

Do Kyungsoo: Where is Byun Baek anyway?

Do Kyungsoo: he’s been suspiciously quiet this entire time.

yeol: idk he went out last night and

yeol: hold on hes here

 

[11:05 a.m.]

baekhyunee: thanks for lending me clothes hyung!!!

baekhyunee: im sorry for falling asleep

minseok: no its okay!!!!

minseok: I should be the one saying that!

baekhyunee: lmao dw about it

minseok: hey baekhyun.

baekhyunee: yes, hyung?

minseok: thanks for being there for me.

baekhyunee: ofc!!!

baekhyunee: always

 

[11:08 a.m.]

_ baekhyunee sent a picture. _

baekhyunee: four exclamation points!!!

baekhyunee: what does it mean!!!

jongdae: it means

jongdae: it’s time to [stop sign x3]

baekhyunee: alksdjfls

jongdae: baekhyun

baekhyunee: [check] Seen 11:13 AM

 

[4:32 p.m.]

galaxy_fanfan: yo i want to go to noraebang who wants to come with

Luhannie: and listen to you try to rap macklemore for four hours? no thanks

galaxy_fanfan: umm youre DEFINITELY coming

galaxy_fanfan: after ive seen you cry I own ur LIFE man

Luhannie: uggggghhhhh fine

Kungfu panda tao: I want to go!

yehet: ehhhhhh

Kungfu panda tao: cmon babe!!

yehet: ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

yehet: fine

galaxy_fanfan: so I take youve made up kids?

Kungfu panda tao: yup!

Kungfu panda tao: im going to talk to it to kyungsoo hyung first, but we might be moving in together soon!!!

xingxing: congratulations!!!!

yehet: thanks hyung

galaxy_fanfan: great, son. did you remember to use protection?

Luhannie: and on that note, let’s just leave

Kim Kai: [confounded face]

galaxy_fanfan: xing, jongin, you coming?

Kim Kai: buy me chicken

galaxy_fanfan: [rolling eyes face] sure, w/e

Kim Kai: [thumbs up] coming

Luhannie: xing?

Luhannie: aaaand he’s gone

galaxy_fanfan: where! does! he! disappear! off! to!

Kim Kai: now lets RLY go b4 yifan hyung starts 1 of his theories again

Kungfu panda tao: yikes not going through tHAT again

yehet: ive wasted six hours of my life before… 

galaxy_fanfan: >:(((

galaxy_fanfan: i hate this family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry for not updating in like a month but I've been busy with exo's comeback. stream kokobop yall get them another triple crown!!! (also 600k+ sales in a week :OOOOO exo 2016 is shaking)


	28. kyungsoo is a genius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Luhannie has left the chat._

[4:13 a.m.]

xingxing: hey asshole

xingxing: yeah, you

xingxing: dumbass

Luhannie: um?

Luhannie: hi?

xingxing: i’ve had enouhg of yuo

xingxing: you*

xingxing: fvck

Luhannie: yixing

Luhannie: are you drunk??

xingxing: no im PERFECtly coherent tyvm

Luhannie: yixing where are you

Luhannie: do u want me to come pick you up

xingxing: no asshole

xingxing: i dont want to see ur dumb face again

xingxing: esp since youre always crying like just sTOP

xingxing: do you even think about how it hurts me

xingxing: to see my best friend, someone i would gladly call my family sad like this

xingxing: no

xingxing: you dont

Luhannie: xing

Luhannie: seriously are you okay

xingxing: hey sorry this is jongdae

xingxing: yixing hyung’s with me, i left to go to the bathroom and came back to find him drunk texting you im sorry

Luhannie: jfc

Luhannie: are you guys out?

xingxing: no we’re at his place

Luhannie: is yifan there? Tell him to come to the phone

xingxing: uh no yixing hyung told him to stay somewhere else since im over??

Luhannie: fuck

Luhannie: you shouldnt have gotten him drunk

Luhannie: what the fuck was yifan thinking, leaving you guys alone like this

xingxing: i

xingxing: i didnt know???

Luhannie: its whatever just let him sleep it off, he’ll be fine in the morning

xingxing: okay

 

[9:56 a.m.]

jongdae: what the fuck do you do when your bf invites you over to spend the night and instead of fucking he gets drunk and has an emotional breakdown over his best friend

jongdae: im asking for a friend

galaxy_fanfan: which friend lmao

galaxy_fanfan: sounds like a poor fuck

Luhannie: hes asking for himself, dipshit

galaxy_fanfan: oh

galaxy_fanfan: yeah that makes a lot of sense

jongdae: fuck wrong gc

jongdae: you know what, idgaf anymore

jongdae: at least this one has actual adults thatll give me mature advice

yeol: r00d

Do Kyungsoo: you’re right to assume and neither of us knows anything about relationships

Do Kyungsoo: but fuck you anyway

jongdae: anYway

jongdae: Junmyeon hyung what do i do

Junmyeonie: choke

jongdae: I?????

Junmyeonie: you left me on read about my problems remember??

jongdae: you’re really holding that against me

jongdae: when i have a whole 2 years worth of resentment to hold against you

Junmyeonie: jfc youre bringing THAT up again?

yeol: um

yeol: guys

yeol: why are we all fighting?

baekhyunee: because junmyeon is a petty bitch but wont let anyone else off for the slightest mistake?

baekhyunee: that why he and yifan hyung broke up isnt it??

Junmyeonie: what the fuck

Junmyeonie: how the fuck do you know

baekhyunee: i have eyes

galaxy_fanfan: stay out of this, baekhyun

Kungfu panda tao: well we know how baekhyun has a hard time staying out of other people’s relationships

baekhyunee: what

Kungfu panda tao: yeah i saw you leaving minseok hyung’s house yesterday morning

yehet: wait

yehet: wht are you talking about

Kungfu panda tao: he was wearing minseok hyung’s clothes too

yehet: !!!

baekhyunee: i was

baekhyunee: sleeping

Luhannie: jesus fucking christ

_Luhannie has left the chat._

jongdae: holy shit no

jongdae: he really was only sleeping

yeol: why did you guys bring it up like that??

yeol: do you not ever sleep over at a friend’s house?

yeol: or is it only suspicious when baek does it?

Kungfu panda tao: listen, im just stating what i saw

Kungfu panda tao: i never claimed to know what was up

galaxy_fanfan: this wouldn’t have happened if hed just kept my relationship out of his mouth

Junmyeonie: yeah but let’s be honest, zitao only brought it up because he likes the drama

yehet: excuse me?

yehet: this is coming from the guy who cut off jongdae hyung because he didnt wnt to deal with your drunk messages??

Junmyeonie: wow sehun

Junmyeonie: that’s really fucking rich, coming from you

Junmyeonie: especially when I constantly wake up in the middle of the night to entertain your late night ramblings

Junmyeonie: see if I ever try to be your support again

Junmyeonie: all of you

galaxy_fanfan: if you left the chat now, itll be a real fucking cliche

Kim Kai: he muted it

yehet: god who gives a shit about him

Do Kyungsoo: um, we all do sehun, dont be an ingrate

jongdae: what the fuck is happening to us

 

[11:14 a.m.]

minseok: for the record

minseok: I was the one who called baek over since I was dealing with

minseok: you know

xingxing: yeah

xingxing: i know

minseok: he fell asleep, so

xingxing: got it

 

xingxing: im not really the one you need to explain this to, but

minseok: yeah ik

minseok: but we’re not exactly on speaking terms right now

xingxing: yeah same

minseok: ??

xingxing: i drunk texted him

xingxing: in the middle of my “emotional breakdown”

xingxing: and said some pretty shitty things

minseok: god

xingxing: yeah

minseok: you alright now?

xingxing: mhm

xingxing: i shouldnt have drank

minseok: wow thats like the opposite of my mindset

xingxing: take care yourself, hyung

minseok: you too

xingxing: [thumbs up]

 

[10:07 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: I can’t believe I’m doing this but

_Do Kyungsoo added Luhannie._

Do Kyungsoo: I’m calling an intervention

Do Kyungsoo: Everyone show up at this address in 20 minutes or I will bring Hell upon your life

 

[10:10 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: Jongin-ah can you make sure that they all leave the house

Kim Kai: already on it hyung [thumbs up]

Do Kyungsoo: Bless

 

[7:40 a.m.]

jongdae: morning assholes!!!! ^-^

yeol: again w/ the waking people up before theyre ready!!!

yeol: jongdae 1st u leave early,

yeol: then u wake up the rest of us normals who love our friends and all stayed up 2gether until 3

jongdae:

baekhyunee: jondad i fukcing h8 u

baekhyunee: we gET IT, you go to the gym! U can wake up earlier than the rest of us mortals

Kungfu panda tao: speak for urSELF

Kungfu panda tao: ive been up since 6

jongdae: tf u doing at 6am??

Kungfu panda tao: prospering

yeol: stfu

Kungfu panda tao: okay but real talk tho I can’t believe going to a place where we smashed plates together in silence really fixed our friendship

Kungfu panda tao: kyungsoo hyung is a genius

yeol: i mean

yeol: some ppl still have tension

yeol: but all in all we’re still one big happy family [blushing smiley face x2]

jongdae: yeah, unfortunately

baekhyunee: ctfu bih u lOv E us

jongdae: yah w/e


	29. chanyeol is dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do Kyungsoo: He’s so dumb.  
> yehet: mhm  
> Do Kyungsoo: He’s literally dating this guy and he DOESN’T KNOW.

[9:41 p.m.]

_ yeol sent a picture. _

yeol: wtf r yixing hyung and jongdae so cute for??

yeol: u mgoals?

xingxing: thanks chanyeol ^-^

Kim Kai: um hyung rn’t u literally @ a yacht part that ur sugar daddy invited u 2

Kim Kai: other ppl shud b envying u

Kungfu panda tao: like Me

yehet: rude

Kungfu panda tao: i dont see you taking me to any yacht parties

yehet: i dont see you taking me either

Kungfu panda tao: why dont neither of us have rich friends

yehet: um bc were poor university students who hang out with people that are also poor university students??

Kungfu panda tao: point

yeol: but its boRING here

yeol: whats the point of drinking that good alcohol if im not w/ my buddies??

_ yeol sent a picture. _

Luhannie: is that

Luhannie: cHAMPAGNE???

yeol: um hello

yeol: r u just going to ignore the main poin of the pic

yeol: my bored face

Junmyeonie: Not just any champagne,

Junmyeonie: That’s a pyramid of Dom Perignon [shocked face][heart eyes face]

yeol: the disRESpect--

yehet: chanyeol hyung rn: [skull x2]

galaxy_fanfan: so have you given up denying that what’s his face is your sugar daddy now

yeol: nO

yeol: hes not

yeol: hes my rich friend that invites me to yacht parties

Kim Kai: dam i wish i had 1

Kungfu panda tao: ????

Kungfu panda tao: shut ur fuck off

Kungfu panda tao: ur literally joining taemin’s frat, and theyre the ones who have $50 bottles of liquor at parties

jongdae: damn thats lit

yeol: rly you show up now but not when i was saying nice things abt you?

jongdae: i only just opned the chat thas not my fault

yeol: lies i could see you lurking

Do Kyungsoo: We can all see you

Do Kyungsoo: You’re not good at it

Junmyeonie: Words from the true lurking master

jongdae: fake

yehet: also @ kim kai where tf are you zitao and i have been waiting outside this theatre foREVER

Kungfu panda tao: its freezing hurry tf up

Kim Kai: oh yea

yehet: ??

Kim Kai: thats what i forgot oops

Kungfu panda tao: i sWEAR TG kim jongin

galaxy_fanfan: you called?

Kim Kai: u go on w/o me, im busy rn

yehet: busy? You’re literally never busy

Kim Kai: im

Kim Kai: bsuy

yehet: ???

yehet: who are you

Kim Kai: hi this is taemin jongin cant answer your texts right now

yehet: um wtf why??

Kungfu panda tao: he’s with you?

Kungfu panda tao: or hes /with/ you

Kim Kai: yes. -taemin

Kungfu panda tao: DAMN GET IT

Kim Kai: [blushing smiley face] -taemin

jongdae: are we just going to ignore the fact that yifan hyung got swerved so hard there are skid marks on the metaphoric road

galaxy_fanfan: every day gets a little bit harder,,,,

 

[6:15 p.m.]

xingxing: this is a call out post to wu yifan

xingxing: kris, kevin, galaxy fanfan, buddy

Luhannie: dAMN he pulled out the “buddy”

galaxy_fanfan: why do you always show up when something bad is about to happen to me?

Luhannie: bc i love u

galaxy_fanfan: fake

Luhannie: ur right.

galaxy_fanfan: why i oughta--

xingxing: STOP HAVING WEIRD SEX IN OUR HOUSE WHEN WE ARE LITERALLY SEPARATED BY JUST /ONE/ FLIMSY WALL

xingxing: SERIOUSLY IT’S SIX PM WHO DOES THIS SHIT AT 6 PM

Do Kyungsoo: [eyes x3]

Kungfu panda tao: tea so good even kyungsoo hyung is coming out of lurking

Luhannie: wait who is he even boning i thought he lost his cool image after serenading junmyeon in public with that godawful rap

minseok: junmyeon ofc, who else would take him after that

Luhannie: .

 

[6:22 p.m.]

minseok: why did i answer why did i answer why did i answer

minseok: I want to delete myself

 

[6:22 p.m.]

jongdae: shit why is everyone boning

Kungfu panda tao: what are you talking about ur literally boning yixing ge

jongdae: …

galaxy_fanfan: holy shit your NOT?

xingxing: you’re*

Luhannie: @ yifan Smackdown

galaxy_fanfan: right okay i just wont speak anymore

xingxing: if only.

Kungfu panda tao: aldskjfaldhf yixing ge is so savage today i cant [crying laughing face]

yeol: it’s bc he’s spending time w/ JONGDAE

jongdae: y did u capitalize my name

yeol: [middle finger] thats y

jongdae: goT IT

jongdae: guess whos rilakkuma is going to be hung from my barbed wire fence

yeol: U WOULDNT

jongdae: wouldnt i

baekhyunee: speaking from experience

baekhyunee: do NOT test him

yehet: what experience lmao i want to know

baekhyunee: i...cant

baekhyunee: it was too traumatic

baekhyunee: i am haunted To This Day

yehet: so are junmyeon hyung and yifan hyung back together again?

Junmyeonie: nah

galaxy_fanfan: nah

Junmyeonie: We decided to go back to how we were before

Junmyeonie: but with more friendship

galaxy_fanfan: it’s not even an open relationship bc we’re not really ready for that

xingxing: look at my kids

xingxing: making Smart Adult Decisions :’)

 

[6:40 p.m.]

baekhyunee: sorry hyung i just came online

baekhyunee: and don’t worry about it, hyung

baekhyunee: whatever awkwardness or sad times you go through now, you’ll overcome it

baekhyunee: fighting!

minseok: :’))

 

[6:45 p.m.]

baekhyunee: i want to marry him

jongdae: for the purposes of not being an accomplice to this im going to ignore that

baekhyunee: fair enough

 

[6:47 p.m.]

minseok: sos

minseok: how do i turn off emotions

Junmyeonie: Well, first you go to settings,

minseok: oops that was meant for jongdae

minseok: your names are next to each other on my contact list

Junmyeonie: aw okay

Junmyeonie: but you can talk to me, hyung, if you need it.

minseok: thanks junmyeonie

Junmyeonie: I know the break up has been hard on you,

Junmyeonie: but if you just need someone to listen or offer you a broad selection of self-pity alcohol, I’m here.

minseok: wow im

minseok: touched

minseok: thanks man

Junmyeonie: <33

minseok: <3

 

[7:05 p.m.]

Do Kyungsoo: how do i turn off emotions

yehet: are you

yehet: are you actually coming to mE for advice??

yehet: you sure you dont have the wrong person???

Do Kyungsoo: well you’re one of the two people who know, so

Do Kyungsoo: and the other one is currently preoccupied

yehet: ejlkdjfslkf

yehet: fuck im an Adult now

yehet: thats so much responsiblity

yehet: i gotta start thinking of taxes and pensions now

Do Kyungsoo: can you

Do Kyungsoo: Chill for a second, I’m in a crisis

yehet: yeah yeah sry hyung

Do Kyungsoo: He’s so dumb.

yehet: mhm

Do Kyungsoo: He’s literally dating this guy and he DOESN’T KNOW.

Do Kyungsoo: The other day I was at their frat house and I accepted a delivery of roses for him.

Do Kyungsoo: It was a full, nicely arranged BOUQUET with gold ribbons and shit.

yehet: damn

Do Kyungsoo: Yeah what the FUCK.

yehet: so what did you do with them?

Do Kyungsoo: Burnt them and dumped the ashes in his pencil case.

yehet: nICE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the struggle when you want to write a halloween chapter bc its FALL now but you realize that in the continuity of your own story halloween is already over :////


	30. everyone texts while doing the do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [7:54 a.m.]  
> baekhyunee: GOOD MORNING KDIS  
> baekhyunee: KIDS*  
> baekhyunee: UP AND AT EM, ITS D-DAY MOTHERFUCKERS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, sorry for the delay. it took me a while to figure out how to write this chapter since it's really the chapter where everything goes down. as always, I appreciate each and every one of you who read this fic!!

[7:54 a.m.]

baekhyunee: GOOD MORNING KDIS

baekhyunee: KIDS*

baekhyunee: UP AND AT EM, ITS D-DAY MOTHERFUCKERS

jongdae: y

jongdae: tf??

jongdae: its not even 8am

baekhyunee: NO REST FOR THE WICKED, JONGDOODOO

baekhyunee: WE’RE AT T-MINUS 8 HRS FROMT EH BIGGEST PERF OF OUR CAREERS

baekhyunee: nay, our LIVES

xingxing: baekhyunnie? Up before 11? Thats unusual

baekhyunee: COME ON, XING HYUNG

baekhyunee: ARENT YOU EXCITED TO PLAY AT A FESTIVAL

baekhyunee: AN ACTUAL FESTIVAL, WHERE ONLY THE TRIED AND TRUE

baekhyunee: ARE SELECTED- NO, CHOSEN- TO PLAY

Kungfu panda tao: its a family fun festival, hyung

Kungfu panda tao: the main attractions are the 1 meter sledding slope and the snow globes

baekhyunee: eNOUGH

baekhyunee: I WILL HEAR NO NEGATIVITY ON THIS DAY

baekhyunee: WHERE’S CHANYEOL, MY HYPEMAN SIDEKICK #1

Kungfu panda tao: probably categorizing his rilakkuma collection aGAIN

jongdae: lmao how did u know he does that?

Kungfu panda tao: i kinda just assumed all rilakkuma collectors did

Kungfu panda tao: since i know one rather personally [eyes]

yehet: hmph. I take no offence bc haters are ones biggest fans

jongdae: wait why is chanyeol hypeman sidekick #1 and i’m #2?

baekhyunee: who said u were second?

baekhyunee: kyungsoo is my numero dos

baekhyunee: i’ll let u beg for the third spot

jongdae: man fuck you man

xingxing: i’m excited for the festival!! Since we’re all up, let’s begin rehearsing now!

jongdae: but… bed

xingxing: dae-yah, dont make me come get you… ;)

galaxy_fanfan: kinky

jongdae: nO, not kinky

jongdae: im up! time to start the day!!! when’s our check in time?

baekhyunee: 2pm, but we can arrive as early as 10

baekhyunee: let’s hustle!!!

Do Kyungsoo: Never say that again.

baekhyunee: yeah, yeah. ksoo can u arouse chanyeol for us

Do Kyungsoo: Why would I? You live with him.

baekhyunee: umm after that time i woke him up and he tried to strangle me? Nope

galaxy_fanfan: Kinky

baekhyunee: nO

baekhyunee: okay, a lil bit kinky

baekhyunee: but not in that situation bc i almost dIED

jongdae: baekhyun he flailed around and accidentally hit you in the neck no one was dying

jongdae: except maybe me now that im having this conversation

Do Kyungsoo: I wish I never asked.

 

[3:48 p.m.]

Junmyeonie: dO YOU SEE MY KIDS??

Kim Kai: no hyung thyre not even onstage yet

Junmyeonie: OKAY BUT, DAMN LOOK AT THEM GO. STANDING! WITH THEIR INSTRUMENTS.

Junmyeonie: YIFAN GET PICTURES

galaxy_fanfan: i took some but theyre hella zoomed in gah

galaxy_fanfan: yo lu lemme use ur camera

Luhannie: nah man this was like a million won im not letting you smash it

galaxy_fanfan: i woulndt!

Kungfu panda tao: yifan ge ur clumsy enough w/o a huge ass crowd pushing at you from all sides

minseok: who knew this many people would come out to see them?

Kungfu panda tao: yeah lions and men are actually p popular? who knew

yehet: unless theyre here for the clog dancers

Luhannie: thats what I’M here for

galaxy_fanfan: …

galaxy_fanfan: wow, speechless

galaxy_fanfan: isnt your BEST FRIEND in lions and men

galaxy_fanfan: unless hes NOT your best friend

yehet: oh boy here we go

galaxy_fanfan: are you being pressured by yixing’s mafia family to befriend their son, lu han?

Junmyeonie: yifan, now is now the t i m e

Junmyeonie: theyre coming out now tak e pics!!!

galaxy_fanfan: you may all be under yixing’s spell, but you’ll never silence me!!!!

galaxy_fanfan: i’ll uncover the tRUTH

Kungfu panda tao: shhh no texting at a concert

 

[10:11 p.m.]

yehet: yo has anyone seen my mans

jongBAE: last i saw he was doing complicated wushu stances by the bar

baekhyunee: heyyy

baekhyunee: yyou changed ur na Me

jongBAE: xing hyung changed it for me [smiling blushing face]

Kungfu panda tao: y’all cUTE

yehet: babe wya

Kungfu panda tao: hang on ill come to u

yeol: yo baekhyun

yeol: did u kno that the amuont of interests u have ina persno is shown in the number of ys in hey

yeol: r u

yeol: i NTR ersetsed in jondad

yeol: jongdaee*

baekhyunee: man u R drunk

yeol: so r u man

baekhyunee: fucckk

baekhyunee: aLso,

baekhyunee: ill haVE u kno

baekhyunee: i have zero(0) interstses in jongade and 100 inetsests in someone else

Junmyeonie: why is that eve ry time we go out as it group it ends u p with thhe mjoairty of us getting pissed d runk

yeol: aND huntao fucking

Do Kyungsoo: ?? why arent u typing right junmyeon hyung?

galaxy_fanfan: can u

galaxy_fanfan: not text the gc while were trying to do the do

jongBAE: “do the do”

xingxing: y’all nasty

xingxing: i can't believe the voyeurism is extending into the gc

galaxy_fanfan: what happens when u expose me in said gc, xingxing

Junmyeonie: now YOU need to stop texting and focus on making out

Luhannie: both of you jsut shut up and fuck in peace

Kungfu panda tao: pls tell me ur not in the same restroom as we are

Do Kyungsoo: does everyone text during sex???

yehet: we’re not, we finished

Junmyeonie: nah were not tHTA nasty

Junmyeonie: we went home to do this

yehet: r00d

Kim Kai: hey kyungsoo hyung can u com over here

Kim Kai: taemin jus called and some1 has to take care of chanyeol hyung after i leave

Kim Kai: hes a mess

baekhyunee: story of his life lmAo

yeol: outright

yeol: obtruse

yeol: ojbte

yeol: objcte

Do Kyungsoo: object?

yeol: yE

yeol: u get me soo

Do Kyungsoo: right. okay ill be there in a sec.

Luhannie: lol this is kind of nice tho

Luhannie: the crew all together, doing dumb shit like always

Luhannie: good times

Kungfu panda tao: aww is hannie ge getting sentimental on us??

Luhannie: suck twelve dicks, zitao

Kungfu panda tao: <33 love u too

 

[9:32 a.m.]

baekhyunee: man do i hvae the worst of all mornign af ter headaches

baekhyunee: and also backache??

baekhyunee: oh fffu

baekhyunee: there is another body beside me

baekhyunee: oh.

 

[9:33 a.m.]

baekhyunee: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

baekhyunee: jongdae!!

baekhyunee: A N S W ER NOW!!!!!!

 

[9:35 a.m.]

jongBAE: what a coincidence, i always went home with somebody

Junmyeonie: good for you, jongdae, but i hope that somebody was your boyfriend

jongBAE: it IS, thanks for asking

Kungfu panda tao: i like you felt the need to specify you had sex in the gc

jongBAE: um yeah, since LOTS of people werent letting it go that some people choose to take their relationships more slowly

jongBAE: this is a callout post for everyone in this chat by the way

yeol: okay but u?? fucked right in front of us for like a week and then u act like u never fuck?

jongBAE: yeah but that was b4 we decided to actually date

Junmyeonie: makes sense

Junmyeonie: in any case I am all for my kids making smart adult relationship decisions

 

[9:42 a.m.]

baekhyunee: i mADE A POTENTIALLY VERY BAD DECISION

jongBAE: whats up

baekhyunee: lkwefajlknclkjdkjfihadsexwithminseokkfelhfsldjslkcjselkjf

jongBAE: what?

 

[9:42 a.m.]

minseok: jONGDAE

minseok: i went home with a guy

minseok: that guy is baekhyun

jongBAE: oh jesus christ

 

[9:44 a.m.]

jongBAE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jongBAE: okay, i mean

jongBAE: what happened????

baekhyunee: idk we were both pretty drunk right

baekhyunee: and we were dancing

baekhyunee: and then at one point his face was really close to mine

baekhyunee: and i realized my hands were like, all over him

baekhyunee: like what a realization amiright ahah. ha.

baekhyunee: and he sort of

baekhyunee: licked his lips

baekhyunee: and im like, GONE, at this point. I was a done man. my entire life and good sense went out the window.

baekhyunee: so i do the thing

baekhyunee: and kiss him

baekhyunee: and he kissed back and he was like “i really like you, baekhyunnie, what do i do?”

baekhyunee: and i remember

baekhyunee: distinCTLY

baekhyunee: thinking about what to say,

baekhyunee: it was between “i really like you too” and “fuck me” so i sort of said both at once rly fast

baekhyunee: “i really like u too now fuck me”

baekhyunee: so now we’re here.

jongBAE: wait

jongBAE: are you hERE, right now, as in the frat house?

baekhyunee: yeah

 

[10:00 a.m.]

jongBAE: sorry, hyung just give me a second?

minseok: um

minseok: im also

minseok: kind of at your house right now?

jongBAE: yeah i know

jongBAE: i’m coming to find you

minseok: wait is yixing

jongBAE: he’s in bed

minseok: jongdae

minseok: you cant let him see me

minseok: not yet, please

jongBAE: yeah

jongBAE: i got it

 

[10:01 a.m.]

jongBAE: xing hyung, i went to pick up baekhyun from wherever he stayed the night. bringing coffee and breakfast on the way back!

jongBAE: last night was amazing, by the way

jongBAE: you were right, it was so worth the wait


	31. lu han has 3 oral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [10:42 a.m.]  
> Kungfu panda tao: whomst teh fuck  
> Kungfu panda tao: came uo with the idea of finals week bc I just want to talk

[10:42 a.m.]

Kungfu panda tao: whomst teh fuck

Kungfu panda tao: came uo with the idea of finals week bc I just want to talk

Luhannie: I’ll join u

Luhannie: I have three(3) oral 

galaxy_fanfan: three oral? damn boi moves fast

Luhannie: oral presentations* stfu

baekhyunee: helpp me i just drank a monster coffee vodka spritzer and i can hea r colors

Luhannie: shit are you okay

baekhyunee: nO

Junmyeonie: Should I even ask what that is?

yehet: ure going to die lmao

xingxing: so am I

xingxing: i havent slept in three days

galaxy_fanfan: yixing omg go to bed

xingxing: I caNT I have 14 more chapters to read for physics

xingxing: apparently I slept through most of that class

yeol: umm yeah thatll fuck u up

xingxing: seemed like a good idea at the time

minseok: sleeping is always a good idea

Kungfu panda tao: word

xingxing: by the way has anyone seen jongdae?

xingxing: i havent seen him in two days :(

yeol: hes been stressing out Hardcore

yeol: i think hes at the library? im not sure

yeol: idk what hes so worried abt, asshole is the only 1 in our class who actually does teh reading

Do Kyungsoo: He’s not at the library. I asked him to study with me and he said no.

Junmyeonie: wait then where is he?

yehet: dk

Luhannie: i havent seen him

baekhyunee: jondaaaaeeeee

baekhyunee: where r u

baekhyunee: i need u to come take care of me

jongBAE: no you don’t.

xingxing: dae!!!

Do Kyungsoo: Where were you?

 

[11:07 a.m.]

xingxing: he just left again?

yeol: smh

 

[11:08 a.m.]

yeol: bro

yeol: where art thou

yeol: jongdae???

yeol: ???????????????

 

[11:12 a.m.]

minseok: you ok?

 

[6:46 p.m.]

baekhyunee: hyung?

baekhyunee: sorry to bother you but jongdae still hasnt come back and me and chanyeol are getting kind of worried

baekhyunee: kyungsoo’s here too

minseok: he hasn’t been answering my messages either

baekhyunee: what if something happened to him shit

minseok: i’ll be over in a few

minseok: we’ll find him, okay?

baekhyunee: yeah

 

[8:20 p.m.]

minseok: can everyone send out a message to everyone you know and ask if theyve seen jongdae?

Do Kyungsoo: Tell them to keep a look out if they haven’t, too.

Junmyeonie: yes, that’s a good idea!

Luhannie: Done

yehet: done

Kim Kai: done

Kungfu panda tao: me too

xingxing: no ones seen him though

galaxy_fanfan: xing you want me and junmyeon to come back to our room to wait with you?

xingxing: yeah thatll be great

galaxy_fanfan: on our way

 

[10:48 a.m.]

Kim Kai: jongdae hyung is fine!

Kim Kai: taemin’s friend just saw him walk out of his econ final

Junmyeonie: Where has he been??!!??

Kim Kai: idk but im omw there now

 

[10:56 a.m.]

jongBAE: yo

baekhyunee: EHRE

baekhyunee: WEHREL

baekhyunee: WHERE THE F

yeol: WERE YOU?

jongBAE: sorry for worrying you guys

jongBAE: i just needed some time for myself

baekhyunee: oK BUT

baekhyunee: you just disappeared!! U cnat just do that!!!!

Kim Kai: let the man do what he has to do baekhyun hyung

Luhannie: you’re okay now though?

jongBAE: yeah im fine

jongBAE: sorry

Do Kyungsoo: You don’t need to apologize

jongBAE: yixing hyung?

xingxing: .

xingxing: did you ace your final?

jongBAE: oh yeah

jongBAE: it was easy peasy

xingxing: good

jongBAE: ...

xingxing: ^-^

Kungfu panda tao: JONGDAE HYUNG YOURE BACK I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

Kungfu panda tao: where are you im going over their to hug you

jongBAE: um thanks zitao but it’s okay

jongBAE: i was only gone for like two days

baekhyunee: !!!!

baekhyunee: let’s all have a dinner party tonight at our house!!

yeol: so we can all hug jongdae for hours and hours

jongBAE: no

Junmyeonie: Sounds good!

Luhannie: im in

yehet: well be there

jongBAE: … what did i get myself into

 

[2:14 a.m.]

baekhyunee: hey

baekhyunee: did you like your welcome home party?

jongBAE: it was nice

jongBAE: but why are you messaging me at 2am to ask

baekhyunee: couldnt sleep

baekhyunee: jongdae, you didnt leave because of me, did you?

baekhyunee: like all the secondary stress from mine and minseok’s relationship problems

baekhyunee: not that we have a relationship

jongBAE: idk baek

jongBAE: kind of? it was stressful watching my friends go through all that

jongBAE: since i am friends with you, minseok, AND lu han hyung

jongBAE: but theres also other stuff? Like finals and yixing hyung and not being able to go home for break

baekhyunee: whoa whoa whoa you cant go home? why didnt you say anything i would have invited you to my house

jongBAE: no it’s… it’s because of stuff with my uncle

jongBAE: if i want job at his firm right after i graduate i have to do this program

jongBAE: i didnt say anything because the details were muddy for a long time

baekhyunee: and yixing hyung?

jongBAE: it’s just,

jongBAE: i’ll tell you another time

baekhyunee: oaky

baekhyunee: u know u can always talk to me about all this any time right? and everyone in the group, really

jongBAE: ofc

jongBAE: ur the bestest friends ever and all that

baekhyunee: …

baekhyunee: thats gay

jongBAE: fuck u

baekhyunee: okay but

baekhyunee: good news?

jongBAE: what

baekhyunee: i probably wont come to you with anymore minseok hyung problems any time soon

baekhyunee: 1. bc we can and will figure this out on our own and 2. when he came over to help us look for you we took some time to actually talk

jongBAE: thats

jongBAE: how did junmyeon hyung put it?

jongBAE: im glad my kids are making good adult decisions

baekhyunee: yeah lmao

baekhyunee: it went… p good?

baekhyunee: he thought a lot about and sorted through a lot of his feelings about lu han hyung and everything

baekhyunee: and he thinks itll be good for him to move on

baekhyunee: we’re taking it slow tho

jongBAE: [okay sign] good shit

jongBAE: let him properly romance you

jongBAE: also properly romance him

baekhyunee: yuhh im excited

jongBAE: are you going to tell the group?

baekhyunee: lmao r u kidding

jongBAE: yeah maybe wait a little

jongBAE: it shouldnt be too hard if ure taking it slow right?


End file.
